AOWL Week 7: Kuja (2-3) vs. ZenLand (3-3) [ZENLAND WINS BY FORFEIT.]

Soulstice · 04-01-2013, 06:38 PM

zen - first of all, myriad. loved the rhyme scheme. it seems to stutter but in a way that it is almost designed to, because the way it bounces around is consistent and then a kicks back up for an assault of multi rhymes until the next stagger. the duality in this piece was excellent, i just wish you wouldve expanded more on the inner darkness that both characters shared. there was a lot of room for potential. the imagery was solid too (cavern of brains) and i wont nitpick any wording because it all went towards a real slick scheme. also, the obnoxious dave bit and the "better days" refrain added some dark humor and another dimension towards the piece. all of this couldve been expanded upon in my opinion.

kuja - well, i think neither verse here was developed as much as it could be. jack the ripper is a chilling character with sociopathic motives (hopefully) nobody on this site can relate to, and a short verse depicting jack the ripper as someone who sees himself as an artist certainly couldve been expanded upon. there wasn't enough evidence for me in this self-analysis for more to really be convinced that jtr truly thought of himself as an artist, or even an author, and one of peace for that matter. the gruesome psyche of the famous character shown through, certainly, but the motives (the main purpose of the piece) were a little grey to me. technically speaking, it was fine, although some multis wouldn't hurt to improve it and really catch someones eye aesthetically speaking

v - zenland

on what turned out to be a battle between exposes on the murderers psyche, vote goes to zenland for a deceptively multidimensional piece.

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04-01-2013, 06:38 PM	#10
Soulstice native system Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 387 Battle Record: 18-21 Champed - Short-Verse Topical Rep Power: 4453411	zen - first of all, myriad. loved the rhyme scheme. it seems to stutter but in a way that it is almost designed to, because the way it bounces around is consistent and then a kicks back up for an assault of multi rhymes until the next stagger. the duality in this piece was excellent, i just wish you wouldve expanded more on the inner darkness that both characters shared. there was a lot of room for potential. the imagery was solid too (cavern of brains) and i wont nitpick any wording because it all went towards a real slick scheme. also, the obnoxious dave bit and the "better days" refrain added some dark humor and another dimension towards the piece. all of this couldve been expanded upon in my opinion. kuja - well, i think neither verse here was developed as much as it could be. jack the ripper is a chilling character with sociopathic motives (hopefully) nobody on this site can relate to, and a short verse depicting jack the ripper as someone who sees himself as an artist certainly couldve been expanded upon. there wasn't enough evidence for me in this self-analysis for more to really be convinced that jtr truly thought of himself as an artist, or even an author, and one of peace for that matter. the gruesome psyche of the famous character shown through, certainly, but the motives (the main purpose of the piece) were a little grey to me. technically speaking, it was fine, although some multis wouldn't hurt to improve it and really catch someones eye aesthetically speaking v - zenland on what turned out to be a battle between exposes on the murderers psyche, vote goes to zenland for a deceptively multidimensional piece.