When All is Blank

2XL · 06-02-2014, 01:38 AM

good piece here. I like the concept. Usually hear it told in the reverse roles.

diction was the trust in which I founded the forgery
her curves - how they tortured me! moans the sound of her sorcery
every idiosyncrasy her lips would bow to explore of me
led to laden lies I'd pray at night, endowed in her porous sheen

"promise you'll never leave..."

I promised - and it was honest - like every yearning she said to me
cuz truth only reciprocates upon the burden to set it free
but it's a thin line, so I obliged to spurn the discrepancy
that if my life was a stage...I always thought of her as the mezzanine...

really liked these two parts. Felt they displayed the most emotion and the stage mezzanine line painted a great picture.

she was peaking as she squeezed me, feelings inches from the summit
while every tear of hers felt like syringes to my stomach...

first line was great second part felt like it didnt come across right. It is supposed to represent pain or like just annoying little uneasiness in your gut feeling. Plus a syringe is just the actual tube not the needle.

plus thismisfired with the aiming of a musket
Just feels worded wrongly and doesnt fit. The end overall was satisfying though

under the mistletoe of power lines buzzing above me
I abandoned my search for love...and settled for the one who could love me
loved it. Strong statement which sums up the tone

It seemed like it was written quick but it was focused and easy to follow with some good imagery. Good shit

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06-02-2014, 01:38 AM	#1
2XL Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 22 Rep Power: 7297	good piece here. I like the concept. Usually hear it told in the reverse roles. diction was the trust in which I founded the forgery her curves - how they tortured me! moans the sound of her sorcery every idiosyncrasy her lips would bow to explore of me led to laden lies I'd pray at night, endowed in her porous sheen "promise you'll never leave..." I promised - and it was honest - like every yearning she said to me cuz truth only reciprocates upon the burden to set it free but it's a thin line, so I obliged to spurn the discrepancy that if my life was a stage...I always thought of her as the mezzanine... really liked these two parts. Felt they displayed the most emotion and the stage mezzanine line painted a great picture. she was peaking as she squeezed me, feelings inches from the summit while every tear of hers felt like syringes to my stomach... first line was great second part felt like it didnt come across right. It is supposed to represent pain or like just annoying little uneasiness in your gut feeling. Plus a syringe is just the actual tube not the needle. plus thismisfired with the aiming of a musket Just feels worded wrongly and doesnt fit. The end overall was satisfying though under the mistletoe of power lines buzzing above me I abandoned my search for love...and settled for the one who could love me loved it. Strong statement which sums up the tone It seemed like it was written quick but it was focused and easy to follow with some good imagery. Good shit