Week 8: 13. Vividlyvague (4-2) vs. 14. Adonis (3-4) \\ Vividlyvague wins 5-0

Soulstice · 04-20-2014, 11:19 PM

adonis - wish you had developed the imagery a little more. lightswitch pieces like this are dope, good/evil contrasts, especially when the concept is applied to something specific. the language and flow was cool, but i wouldve liked to see, idk, not literally longer bars, but you did chop up the imagery instead of creating an organic scene imo, where things can more easily exist as a metaphor. like a sinking boat in choppy water off the coast of the island could represent someone going through hard times and going from good to bad, which works well into the literal island-flip ending. im not nitpicking like an asshole with this vote, just giving a quick example of a development i personally wouldve enjoyed

vv - the story was dope. the name pall was also clever, a little foreshadowing there. the language of the narration couldve used some work but the natural dialogue, something a lot of writers find hard to create especially when trying to adhere to a flow, was good and it helped immerse the reader in a story. there was definitely some off-putting wording in there though.. so i wouldve focused on making that more penetrable... for instance "dehydrated untrained" and "orbiting the diminished squad".. theres a better way to put those things.. orbiting? so yeah, for someone who clearly has an idea on how to immerse the audience with dialogue your narration was a little strange at some points. the story was tight, and the imagery and atmosphere was dope when it wasnt cluttered with some of your word choices

vote - vv

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04-20-2014, 11:19 PM	#7
Soulstice native system Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 387 Battle Record: 18-21 Champed - Short-Verse Topical Rep Power: 4453411	adonis - wish you had developed the imagery a little more. lightswitch pieces like this are dope, good/evil contrasts, especially when the concept is applied to something specific. the language and flow was cool, but i wouldve liked to see, idk, not literally longer bars, but you did chop up the imagery instead of creating an organic scene imo, where things can more easily exist as a metaphor. like a sinking boat in choppy water off the coast of the island could represent someone going through hard times and going from good to bad, which works well into the literal island-flip ending. im not nitpicking like an asshole with this vote, just giving a quick example of a development i personally wouldve enjoyed vv - the story was dope. the name pall was also clever, a little foreshadowing there. the language of the narration couldve used some work but the natural dialogue, something a lot of writers find hard to create especially when trying to adhere to a flow, was good and it helped immerse the reader in a story. there was definitely some off-putting wording in there though.. so i wouldve focused on making that more penetrable... for instance "dehydrated untrained" and "orbiting the diminished squad".. theres a better way to put those things.. orbiting? so yeah, for someone who clearly has an idea on how to immerse the audience with dialogue your narration was a little strange at some points. the story was tight, and the imagery and atmosphere was dope when it wasnt cluttered with some of your word choices vote - vv