AOWL Week 5: Mac (1-1) VS. patrown (0-1) OPEN FOR VOTES!!!

zygote · 03-17-2013, 04:37 AM

Mac, good writing but just some wording issues lessen the strength of each phrase. E.g., "money is vanity, the economy and politic was already forgotten". Criticism as a reader is it is too vague, especially when your next line mentions the "actual problem." - was thinking "What is this Actual Problem?" The economy and politic was forgotten in what way, by who etc? Can imply the meaning you intended, but writing would be stronger if more specific throughout.

Patrown, part enjoyed most was the description of stellar fusion. Comparing galaxy to iris (macro to micro) was creative and well executed. Only criticism is those spiritual allusions you had in the first line and the last line could have been more spread throughout. They seemed more like an afterthought rather than interwoven with the physical descriptions of creation.

Voted for Patrown.

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03-17-2013, 04:37 AM	#9
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	Mac, good writing but just some wording issues lessen the strength of each phrase. E.g., "money is vanity, the economy and politic was already forgotten". Criticism as a reader is it is too vague, especially when your next line mentions the "actual problem." - was thinking "What is this Actual Problem?" The economy and politic was forgotten in what way, by who etc? Can imply the meaning you intended, but writing would be stronger if more specific throughout. Patrown, part enjoyed most was the description of stellar fusion. Comparing galaxy to iris (macro to micro) was creative and well executed. Only criticism is those spiritual allusions you had in the first line and the last line could have been more spread throughout. They seemed more like an afterthought rather than interwoven with the physical descriptions of creation. Voted for Patrown.