AOWL Week 5: Mac (1-1) VS. patrown (0-1) OPEN FOR VOTES!!!

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due FRIDAY 3/15 at 11:59 PST.

Extensions are due SATURDAY 3/16 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

You MUST check in.

You must vote on at least 4 other battles. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.


TOPIC: “Black holes are where God divided by zero.” -Albert Einstein



Good luck to both participants. @Mac @patrown

[Mac]

ahoy

[patrown]

check.

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...1830#post31830

[Mac]

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

.
.



i born in a world where misery and pain reigned in the humanity
the demons managed to control their souls, led them to insanity
money is vanity, the economy and politic was already forgotten
taunts & threats all over the way of the society's actual problem
the police was absent, chaos and criminals all over the streets
peace's concept was missing and the havoc would never cease
situation was not nice, homeless and scared families suffering
while the rich part of the population was supposedly restructuring
a nightmare without ending, negative emotional responses from the minds
the only thing left is to let ourselves be carried away by the winds
government is blind, they don't take actions about the situation
while the nation is on crisis the president is taking vacations
encountering with piles of dead bodies was the worst type of perturbation
the neighbors tried to hold an evacuation but there was no salvation
the lack of collaboration from other parties caused desesperation
the lack of orentation made us fall in some type of precipitation
different accusations caused the wrath of guilty persons
then the innocents started sliding in the bad side of the population
the worst situation, all houses and businesses are looted
lost the feelings and hopes of the controversy be concluded
we wasn't included in the plan of 'bring everything back to normal'
they wanted to kill the poorest and re build with the most importants
as mortals fought with stick & stones agaisnt the evil force
no matter if we die since the problem couldn't get any worse
the more poor the bravest is the heart, holding an open mind
we just couldn't let ourselves be killed by the arrogance we left behind

i'm always thinking in the past, i don't see a future ...
... there is black holes all over the society's structure


i'm tired of fighting.. fuck this shit

[patrown]

Extension please ? Away from what ihad so far and had to borrow a phone to request ..

[Mac]

extensions all cool wit me

[patrown]

a solemn singularity shone with clarity in His palm
when the varying rates of gravity end a final dawn
and being recedes into a single spot that forms
its weight's draws on the soul like the calm after the storm
where waves of being flee from a single spot
a wrinkle marks a thought on a brain holding its place
as sprinkled spots of dust created Earth before it's fate
soon torn to atoms, then to less than thought describes
all in the viscous cycle that physics help bring to life
through rings our lives are joined, as suns hold satellites
that fling themselves around 'til each's had it's time
climbing inward away from light shining past prime
are souls finding reasons they have to climb
onward to a sunset an eye can never see
inside of a hole as dark as a pupil could ever be
a galaxy forms an iris with hints of color surrounding
molding a new existence born in a stellar foundry
when fusion lost its fight against the forces pulling in
the stars alter their courses, new ones are born and ends begin
emptiness holds within more matter than eyes can see
and readiness to let go finds belonging as time recedes

[PancakeBrah]

I've got patrowns.

I'm prone to exaggeration. And I might alienate this dude. But Mac's verse is utter dogshit and I hate it. He seemed like a novice. And that's fine. But his brain is feeble, and he's going off on dumbass tangents for no reason unrelated to the heart of the topic. patrowns had some cool rhymes. His content was solid. Felt like he wrote something to write something because he knew he'd win if he did. And he did.

Sorry for the hate. But fuck. Give me something to read.

[zygote]

Mac, good writing but just some wording issues lessen the strength of each phrase. E.g., "money is vanity, the economy and politic was already forgotten". Criticism as a reader is it is too vague, especially when your next line mentions the "actual problem." - was thinking "What is this Actual Problem?" The economy and politic was forgotten in what way, by who etc? Can imply the meaning you intended, but writing would be stronger if more specific throughout.

Patrown, part enjoyed most was the description of stellar fusion. Comparing galaxy to iris (macro to micro) was creative and well executed. Only criticism is those spiritual allusions you had in the first line and the last line could have been more spread throughout. They seemed more like an afterthought rather than interwoven with the physical descriptions of creation.

Voted for Patrown.

[IamBenT]

Mac - Work on being more concise with your form. You have great ideas, and I can see the images forming, but then you leave us hanging with some vague language without bringing it home. I liked the concept of black holes in society, sucking away at what's truly vital in life, making that more transparent from the start would have been helpful in tracking and getting involved with this verse.

also this bothered me:
a nightmare without ending, negative emotional responses from the minds
the only thing left is to let ourselves be carried away by the winds

I understand it is a visual rhyme, and that's cool, but I am not a fan of visual rhymes being used as end rhymes in RAP battling, the idea being that we should be able to at least somewhat be able to spit this verse.

Patrown - solid showing, flow was high caliber, images were vivid and creative, and you can sense a controlled yet vivid imagination driving the entire piece, which is focused on the topic in a more real way that Mac's verse.

also I liked this line:

all in the viscous cycle that physics help bring to life

but was not sure if you meant "Viscous" or "vicious" lol good verses yall.

Vote - Patrown

[Inno]

looks like its a language problem to me..seems like english isnt macs first language..and so some of the meanings and imagery get left
behind in the translation...thats waht it seems like to me..cuz i see the ideas forming but when they dont it just feels like you didnt know
how to word your thoughts properly..i say working on your craft man..you def got the potential to write some dope shit.

pat.

dope ryhming son. i mean your verse seemed to flow effortlessly..your subject a bit vague, but coherent enough to get the imagery, plot and
theme across to me just fine...

vote- pat.

[Dove Dozer]

Mac - you had the potential to bring a real dope verse. Had you included some mechanics and whatnot it wouldve been more interesting to read. Given what you wrote, I found it ok, but lacked cadence and that fluid flow. A lot of long sentances to end rhymes. Decent, but not mind blowing.

Pat - you had a more cohesive flow, which made it easy to read and follow. story was good as well, littered with some dope rhymes. I felt this attributed to you winning this week. Just a stronger showing imo.


v/Patrown

[Zen]

Mac I've read somewhere before that english isn't your first language and I can tell that now no offense intented. But the wording was fucked in a number of areas in this piece which in turn fucked up the flow, which in turn fucked up the message you were trying to get across. I respect the content of this piece but just practice your wording and everything else will fall into place holmes.
patrown you came with what you had to come with this week to get the win and you had enough. I wasn't overly impressed with the content of your piece but the flow was top notch and it was enough to garner you the W.

Vote patrown.

[Mike Wrecka]

mac - the message was there. just the wording was off and the flow didn't work that well. it needed more inners and multis to be effective. I also caught the wind and mind end rhymes. that really confused me as to how someone would use those two together. but like I said the message was cool and I respect that.

patrown - used the more complex rhyme scheme and structure and was able to get an easy win. it was a little vague and abstract but it was more than enough to win. good job.

vote- patrown

[Witty]

Mac - This was a huge leap in your elevation imo Most of these dudes probably haven't seen your pieces as much has I have, but this shows just how better you are getting all the time. The wording was the major problem here, probably because of the language barrier, some things seemed to be out of place, and the flow suffered because of it. You went off on a few tangents here and there but the ideas you had were pretty impressive, some deep shit...you have good thoughts, just need to focus on getting the most out of those thoughts, read other pieces and see how others do it, I think if you fixed your wording and focused more on making sure you say what you want to say, don't rush it...plan it out and make sure it ties in with the rest of the piece, no filler. The piece was good man, nothing to be ashamed of at all...but you can definitely do better, keep doing your thing bro.

Patrown - This was a cool little piece, you kept it tied into the topic really well...there wasn't really a story, more a piece full of pretty interesting thoughts and metaphors. The one thing I would say is to do more with your rhymes, throw some inners in there...it was just too simple for my liking, a lot of one syllable rhymes, which can be effective from time to time in a piece, but too often can make it seem a bit elementary. That's really the only qualm I have here....you wrote well, great vocab and you went outside the box as the topic was begging for, you wrote the sort of thing I would have been aiming to write to this, wish it was a little longer...but it was dope for what it was.

Vote - Patrown.

[Ink]

Mac:
The wording and grammatical issues throughout made this read a bit hard. The depth of the piece was also quite shallow, as it didn't offer much for the reader to chew on and basically just rehashed at least a dozen verses we've all read/heard before. I think if you worked on your grammatical issues, used spellcheck, and then came from a more creative angle, rather than just throwing your ideas at us, your verses would be much better..

Patrown: This read smooth... though, I wish you had been more creative than just literally tackling the topic.. but to each his own. I did like, however, how you chose to go the descriptive route and just keyed in on that moment of creation. I don't think I've seen you do that before

when fusion lost its fight against the forces pulling in

thought that was nice

Vote: Patrown. He had a solid verse and that was really all that was needed to take this one..

[Frank]

Mac, good shit son. You elevated. Everbody is talking about the ''wind line''. Oh it didn't rhyme, causing a controversy because the line looks like it's supposed to rhyme. The words look like they are supposed to rhyme. W-I-N-D. M-I-N-D. The word WIND looks at itself in the mirror and sees MIND. They are ying and yang. Polar opposites. Line really had me boggled. But I chalked it up to brilliance. You had a raw way with words eg; be concluded, most importants. I liked this verse. Even though people may not cause they some TION haters. Good shit dun. No more leeway for you. Patrown... You may be the best voter in the AOWL at the moment. I am impressed with how genuine and insightful and articulate your responses have been thus far. You truly are an amazing voter. This week you showed the world you can write as well. I heard somebody say I was laid back this week, whoever that was needs to read your shit. It;s mellow. I thought your verse had a soft pallet that was similar to the 3rd dimension. This is BOTW. Vote to Mac.

[Frank]

PATROWN WINS 9-1