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#5 |
Tsk Tsk
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
Battle Record: 36-34
Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association
- NFL Pick'em 2016-17
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First verse - I didn't like the opening where you explained your use of concept, to me that cheapens the effect a bit and makes me feel a bit dumbed down for voting's sake...Moving on. "we're being slaves," Not sure if that works really wording wise in my opinion. This is a true or original topical to me. I liked the style, not loved, but it was effective. Strong message even if a bit "out there" in normal standards. Decent writing, flow wise it was sub-par to be honest. But you started slow and picked up nicely in all aspects talent.
second verse - "artificial night" I liked that considering route you chose. There were parts I enjoyed such as the the tone and pace of the actual accounts of the fire. Then parts I didn't like at all such as "it was like she was cleansed in the purest of waters".... I mean that seems cliche as well as simple as shit, which leads me to believe you wrote this up in one sitting. Maybe you played to your opponents level to a fault, but the writing talent is showcased in some bits of solid writing, then hidden behind some simple writing. Tough vote, I wasn't particularly WOW'd by either, both had positive and negative moments. In the end I will go with the verse that I feel simply had the better writing overall 2nd verse.
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