Why can I sleep no more?

Vulgar · 02-21-2014, 01:03 PM

@dead man

Not feeling the title. I'll give my thoughts line by line since I'm not really in an analysis mood right now.

these walls are fluctuating at night
morning-time they wheeze through respirators for life
^second line is very vague. I can't quite imagine that.
deerskin shaved for a kite. windswept meadowy lawn
rearranging basic structure into legible song
demonstrable horror. the last house on the left
finger pluck a vital artery straight out of your chest
^More visceral.
break glaciers into angel food. a powdery mess
arrive outside the Grammys in an hour or less
^Red carpet provoked. The question is...who, or why?
sour or pensive. if you give a mouse an infection
he'll want penicillin with it. don't know what you expected.
we've accomplished retention - ibuprofen, lozenges, breath mints
you hear it echo, in your hallway, for a second. then it vanishes
way beyond your vanity fair, behind the cabinets
^Plastic surgery can prolong beauty only for so long.
banging on the walls to beg for sacrilege. imagine this,
plastic covered canisters. dampened wicks for ammunition
ruby panther amulet. a dying family's last tradition
^'A dying family' is incomplete, IMO. A dying family legacy maybe, but dying family, period? Don't know about the wording. Wish I had a little more info on the ruby panther amulet.
creaking boards, apparitions. sarsaparilla, bad decisions
crack addiction, television. jacking off to Maggie Simpson
lol
hold your tongue. it's bad for business, keep to yourself
the people you relate to are the people that melt
^...under the pressure of stardom?
skin pops like Stouffer's tops. it's radiation that sells
it grows difficult to feel beneath these measles and welts
lead me to Hell. be my guardian. my conduit often
dull my blade post haste. close shave. Wallace and Gromit
^never watched the show/cartoon. I like the rhyme schemes.
distonic, dystopian problem-child roped into promises
^Impressive line.
living just to voice an opinion i'll later contradict
sometimes it's the opposite and humans are right
you can catch me at the hospital for soup and a sprite
putting Lucy in the skylight suite for 60 a night
daydreaming into darkness to resist the enticement
of recidivistic reprise, i've experienced a minute's escape
caterpillars of strength. i crawled away. the clinic can wait
licking to taste. devoid of any physical traits
still i miss you like a saturday at Michigan Lake
am i liquid or lace? craving a resentful embrace
i've built a mask so fucking intricate it mimics a face
^Illuminating last set of lines.

I think I get what you're saying here. There are so many snaking avenues this goes into or can go into...what I take from the general design is that Hollywood personas, the cartoonish people who occupy space on the big screen are mostly artificial or masquerading as others - even when they're not exactly playing a role in a film. They get caught up in drugs, i.e. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Heath Ledger, occasionally overdosing not only on fame, but the substances that turn the seven seasons haywire. IV's replace Oscar nominations. I hope I'm not too off.

An insomniac celebrity goes to drug rehabilitation after a heart attack due to heavy Nickoledeon studios stress. The mention of Sprite also accentuates the artificial flavoring of this character. Soup... and a sprite.

caterpillars of strength. i crawled away.
^lol, this was tight.

This left me with a lot to think about. One of your stronger verses as of late.

Keep doing you

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Switch to Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Threaded Mode

02-21-2014, 01:03 PM	#10
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	@dead man Not feeling the title. I'll give my thoughts line by line since I'm not really in an analysis mood right now. these walls are fluctuating at night morning-time they wheeze through respirators for life ^second line is very vague. I can't quite imagine that. deerskin shaved for a kite. windswept meadowy lawn rearranging basic structure into legible song demonstrable horror. the last house on the left finger pluck a vital artery straight out of your chest ^More visceral. break glaciers into angel food. a powdery mess arrive outside the Grammys in an hour or less ^Red carpet provoked. The question is...who, or why? sour or pensive. if you give a mouse an infection he'll want penicillin with it. don't know what you expected. we've accomplished retention - ibuprofen, lozenges, breath mints you hear it echo, in your hallway, for a second. then it vanishes way beyond your vanity fair, behind the cabinets ^Plastic surgery can prolong beauty only for so long. banging on the walls to beg for sacrilege. imagine this, plastic covered canisters. dampened wicks for ammunition ruby panther amulet. a dying family's last tradition ^'A dying family' is incomplete, IMO. A dying family legacy maybe, but dying family, period? Don't know about the wording. Wish I had a little more info on the ruby panther amulet. creaking boards, apparitions. sarsaparilla, bad decisions crack addiction, television. jacking off to Maggie Simpson lol hold your tongue. it's bad for business, keep to yourself the people you relate to are the people that melt ^...under the pressure of stardom? skin pops like Stouffer's tops. it's radiation that sells it grows difficult to feel beneath these measles and welts lead me to Hell. be my guardian. my conduit often dull my blade post haste. close shave. Wallace and Gromit ^never watched the show/cartoon. I like the rhyme schemes. distonic, dystopian problem-child roped into promises ^Impressive line. living just to voice an opinion i'll later contradict sometimes it's the opposite and humans are right you can catch me at the hospital for soup and a sprite putting Lucy in the skylight suite for 60 a night daydreaming into darkness to resist the enticement of recidivistic reprise, i've experienced a minute's escape caterpillars of strength. i crawled away. the clinic can wait licking to taste. devoid of any physical traits still i miss you like a saturday at Michigan Lake am i liquid or lace? craving a resentful embrace i've built a mask so fucking intricate it mimics a face ^Illuminating last set of lines. I think I get what you're saying here. There are so many snaking avenues this goes into or can go into...what I take from the general design is that Hollywood personas, the cartoonish people who occupy space on the big screen are mostly artificial or masquerading as others - even when they're not exactly playing a role in a film. They get caught up in drugs, i.e. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Heath Ledger, occasionally overdosing not only on fame, but the substances that turn the seven seasons haywire. IV's replace Oscar nominations. I hope I'm not too off. An insomniac celebrity goes to drug rehabilitation after a heart attack due to heavy Nickoledeon studios stress. The mention of Sprite also accentuates the artificial flavoring of this character. Soup... and a sprite. caterpillars of strength. i crawled away. ^lol, this was tight. This left me with a lot to think about. One of your stronger verses as of late. Keep doing you