Final Flight

Frank · 01-31-2014, 07:19 PM

ويسرني في نظر هذا. يمكنك الفضوليين. هذا سجع ما جرئ معظمهم Font. السندات.

2XL · 02-01-2014, 12:12 AM

Not a bad little piece. I think your wording needs to improve a little. Im also kinda new hear and haven't really read much of your stuff.

a hijackin skyjacker in command son, this phantom don't take ransoms

I don't get why you need to say your a hijackin skyjacker. It just seems like reiteration for no reason. And calling people son just doesn't sound authentic with the piece being a 9/11 terrorist

better reminisce, you filthy pigs need a bloodbath, it's your last hour
we're just pawns in a game, but like chess, even they can blast towers
our God is not some odd fraud, we on some Jihad shit to strike the rich
fight for this, in cold wars the warrior refuse to freeze up like a bitch

I did like this part nice flow and meta use displayed

I think it suffered from lack of length. no real buildup and the character seemed extremely confident considering he's about to martyr himself. Virgins in heaven or not. Your rhyming ability is def there though. Cool for a small piece but I would have liked more

01-31-2014, 07:19 PM	#1
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853347	ويسرني في نظر هذا. يمكنك الفضوليين. هذا سجع ما جرئ معظمهم Font. السندات. __________________ *VETWORK*

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02-01-2014, 12:12 AM	#2
2XL Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 22 Rep Power: 7297	Not a bad little piece. I think your wording needs to improve a little. Im also kinda new hear and haven't really read much of your stuff. a hijackin skyjacker in command son, this phantom don't take ransoms I don't get why you need to say your a hijackin skyjacker. It just seems like reiteration for no reason. And calling people son just doesn't sound authentic with the piece being a 9/11 terrorist better reminisce, you filthy pigs need a bloodbath, it's your last hour we're just pawns in a game, but like chess, even they can blast towers our God is not some odd fraud, we on some Jihad shit to strike the rich fight for this, in cold wars the warrior refuse to freeze up like a bitch I did like this part nice flow and meta use displayed I think it suffered from lack of length. no real buildup and the character seemed extremely confident considering he's about to martyr himself. Virgins in heaven or not. Your rhyming ability is def there though. Cool for a small piece but I would have liked more