ROUND ONE: (1)dead man vs. (32)breathless - (DEAD MAN WINS 5-0)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
@dead man @breathless

Topic


Check In Deadline: 1/11/2014
Verse Deadline: 1/15/2014,11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/18/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Good luck to both.

[breathless]

I used to write to get my feelings out... but I'm thinkin now,
I might have expressed em all... or at least,
suppressed the ones I couldn't deep down until this mess was solved.
Yea, I guess it's the small things that follow you.
So, if you have a thought, think tomorrow too.
Honest truth, like, what kind isn't though? When you've gotta choose?
... Here's your options dude, it's your choice of obstacles.
With a hoarse voice on the constant move, hustlin high and grindin,
or bustin the nine to five shit. Whatever dream you find to strive for
remember, this is the real world you're livin in,
and it's streamin live on your lifeforce...

Distant memories never fully for sure fade...

I can still see the kid's face from when I was bullied in third grade.
How, everything became red, and then, it all turned grey.
I pulled a blade out, told him "Hey, now, I don't want no trouble...
and I'm positive you don't either..." As our egos struggled
he called my bluff, at least, what he thought was one...
Them brawny tough guys become wimps once the crimson starts drippin.
Color me wrong, but I thought cuttin myself wasn't a victim's decision.

These scars, aren't for glory, or, the marks of a warrior,
they're the lines I write my memories on, carved as a reminder of how poor we were.
Always in long sleeves, telling stories for peace of mind.
Etchings of a past life I felt clever for leaving behind.
Regretfully, I still ask why it'd be better if some pieces find
their place and just stay there, even if it means they die.
Everything laid bare, clear to see, apparently.
Where it seems to turn weird is when here becomes the there could be.
A fleeting marriage, carriage free, I don't think I care enough to dare conceive.
But what scares me the most about this approach toward barren hopelessness,
isn't the miracle of ghost worlds, it's the air breathed in emotional whims.
Comin close to the dim side, I suppose if I did try
I'd have something to boast about that isn't a big lie.

It's time, to pick which goals I won't get done, right?
Another sunrise..., a different moon cycle,
the same old ride down a misled route, I know.
It ain't worth it, I'm the same person, just with less youthful rivals.
So if it proves as vital as the missin truth, its final.
I'm on a mission to survive all of these visualized denials
But limited by blind views that have given me my prime groove
I've been minimized to surface scratches that barely let these lines move.

How rare we think this single file sting of childhood grinds through.
Comparably, it'll be awhile before I realize what it binds to.
It brings about an odd kind of nostalgia I wouldn't mind losing.
A feeling down deep inside the part of my subconscious I tried removing.

It's like, my human role's The Truman Show, but I write the movie.
So, who would know if I choose to go to the light just to spite what the crew thinks.
Every single night's the same fight, and I'm too weak.
Somehow, I gotta make this slate shine with a new me.

[dead man]

check



Ren and Aki, identical. born 7 seconds apart
rice paddy marsh village near Tiananmen park
poor and humble. born to struggle through a destiny darkened
breathing symbols of the coldness in an emperor's heart
Ren would carve rocks until their edges were sharp
write his world into cherrywood to leave it a mark
while Aki carved those rocks into a usable blade
threatening his classmates when excluded from games
two in the same. you know how the rest of it goes
twin genetics exposed, ye olde environmentalist woes
young adults working hard to set a table for 4
but approached their objectives in a dissimilar form
Ren would swim in the lake and wrangle dinner for days
Aki walked. saved his spearheads for a fisherman's face
both resistant to change. they would argue and scream
but their folks remaining fed is where they always agreed.
achieved the same ends, through a separate device:
Ren was married at 20. Aki slept with his wife
there was love, there was deviance, a pulsing disdain
Ren grew tired of playing Jiminy and pulling a chain
took his brother on a pilgrimage to gather some grain
past the fields, past the forests, unfamiliar terrain
Aki stopped. asked Ren where they were headed and why
he'd promised Ma and Pa to have their dinner at 5
Aki's face soon twisted into fear and surprise
his little brother - dagger in hand and tears in his eyes
whispered something quiet. something shameful and sad, then
Ren became an only child with a wave of the hand.



dinnertime at Ren's - tonight's trout and filet
many moons after Aki slipped and drowned in the lake
there was a knock on the door. Pa answered. he swooned,
cooling flesh now at the feet of an assassin in blue
dark eyes behind a mask. wiped the blood from his boot
held his knife to Ma. said to Ren, reward or rebuke
Ren pleaded, take it all. argued reason and logic
said he didn't need to do this. told him he was beyond it
what progress he made didn't matter at all
the second Ma's spinal fluid splattered his wall..



gentle childen. strong providers, innocent souls
pressured into murder as the dissonance grows
sacrificed for peace of mind. discovered remorse
poetic justice lives inside the edge of a sword
so with his dying breath,
Ren said goodbye and welcomed his fate
while the killer unmasked -
sat down, and fixed him a plate.






DEADMAN

[zygote]

breathless, focusing mainly on the actual act in the picture rather than the background details. Some cool switch up parts, initially thought it was going to be just a straight story about bullying or something, but then it turned into kind of a 'fight against my own ego' type of thing. Pretty good, simple narration fit well with the journal entry style of the writing. Kind of like you saw the picture and it jogged your memory, whether fabricated or not, it was still interesting.

dead man, focusing on the background aspects, the language was crafted to heavily reflect the ethnicity of the individuals in the image. I liked the names of the characters and the use of Ma and Pa. The story itself was kind of a Cain and Abel biblical story with a central Asian steppe setting. Enjoyed the nameless character 'the assassin in blue' - I think the blue color was deliberate to describe a kind of Tengri version of the grim reaper. The recurring interplay between food and life, then turning into food and death at the end was also powerful. Voting for dead man.

[NYCSPITZ]

breathless you've elevated a lot man props, enjoyed the smattering of dialogue mixed in with an entertaining verse. Black's was nasty and fluid, smooth wording and had ridiculous mechanics to back it up. He won it this time.

V/black

[big baby]

The number one seed vs the last seed. Well, this was cool. It wasn't a blow out, really. And by saying that I guess I'll have to say my vote goes to deadman, but heres why, based on mechanics alone, if breathless were to have deadmans story, i still think he wouldve lost, and that's just it, in words, even with a mediocre story, deadman can recreate a plethora of sceneries, just with the way he describes certain things. Since most of his wording is deemed in a philosophical ambiguous light, and that's his ace in the hole. Like pancake said he's sharpened this sword so that it can't really be countered, unless you have a sharper sword. And breathless's sword isn't sharper, so deadman uses this to his advantage. Which is okay, because well, that's what he does. Breathless it would be awesome if you stripped this away from him, and it almost seems unfair to pair you up in this manner, but that's the way the seeding works, no disrespect. You're a decent writer. Keep expanding and one day when your skillset is sharp enough, you can take on deadman. Until then, this was a good battle, enjoyed it. Thanks guys.

[PancakeBrah]

breathless-

The best verse I've read from you. Your overarching approach to the topic was metaphorical (captured most pointedly with the "It ain't worth it, I'm the same person, just with less youthful rivals." line) with a few dashes of more concrete references to the topic ("How, everything became red, and then, it all turned grey." for example). This was a very existential and contemplative piece, tackling a lot of ideas and questions. I don't think you wrote anything incisively perceptive or unique but you were able to write towards the essence of being, and all of the trials and tribulations that go with that, without losing my interest which is a strong feat in and of itself. Your wording has really tightened up since I last read one of your verse; there were a handful of lines that were good simply by how you worded them. Also, you were more coherent and focused than from what I remember. A lot of people throw the term 'elevating' around loosely but I think you truly are, as evidenced by this piece. I know you have a history of writing, so I say elevating in relation to the netcees brand of writing and zeitgeist. Well done.

dead man-

Very good, as always. I think if you were strip down your story to a point by point outline, I would be left wanting. It's a bit run of the mill, the whole brother/familial story of murder and vengeance. Then the writing comes in and everything clicks, and a dope verse is presented. Everything was in the details of wording and pure technical prowess. You created a lush and interesting piece, one most people would be envious of, out of a weak backbone. That's a compliment. I often find story pieces hard to write; it's hard not to be cliched, and every twist has been twisted and unwound for examination already. So it's hard to fault a writer for writing this type of story, the key is execution. And you out wrote your opponent. Everything was dialed in.

I think breathless wrote an impressive verse, definitely the best I've seen from him on the site. Like big baby said, as bare bone ideas he probably had the upper hand on black here. But the difference in ability and experience was just too much. There's no shame in this battle for breathless, he made it much closer than I expected. Well done by both.

v/dead man

[trap.]

Breathless, you should've taken out that first part. It didn't belong here in my mind and without it would've made the whole of your piece a lot better. I loved the first line of the third paragraph about being a warrior and poor. I could totally relate to that with my childhood. All in all this was a good introspective verse. Nothing flashy, just honest and you, which I think is what you were going for.

deadman. Very good verse. As far as the story goes, succinct and to the point. The picture and your verse reminded me a little of the video / song "Not Giving In" by Rudimental and John Newman. Check it out if you have the time. But this was really fluid, kept my attention, and I wanted more of the story. It needed more details to me, a longer storyline, but with a restriction in lines you could only do so much. You did what you could, and well.

Vote, deadman.