Week 9 - Contender Match - Vividlyvague (6-2) vs. Vulgar (4-2) - VULGAR WINS 7-4

zygote · 11-23-2013, 09:28 PM

For Vulgar, enjoyed the characterization giving the turtle a name and personality was a nice touch. Also, I really enjoyed this format of writing you did, it is like a 'monologue' format. Just one big chunk of dialogue, it is a very effective format for putting things across, and also it was good how you were able to stay committed to it throughout and not dilute the focus and cohesion with other parts.

Vividlyvauge, perhaps it reads a bit like too much attempting to perfect individual lines in a poetic way rather than focussing on keeping a coherent thread throughout the whole thing. Yes, there was the overall message and the same underlying theme throughout of the cosmic turtle (so-called “Akapura”) but the language was so verbose and unfitting it became off-putting. E.g., “a frustration bored down to a jester's lore. “ + “a caste decomposed.” all the mixed metaphors and stuff felt like it detracted from rather than added to it overall. It’s like if perhaps you were more restrained and brought in the sun and moon God characters earlier and focused the relationships between these 3 entities within that universe you were onto a good idea. Voted for Vulgar.

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11-23-2013, 09:28 PM	#8
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	For Vulgar, enjoyed the characterization giving the turtle a name and personality was a nice touch. Also, I really enjoyed this format of writing you did, it is like a 'monologue' format. Just one big chunk of dialogue, it is a very effective format for putting things across, and also it was good how you were able to stay committed to it throughout and not dilute the focus and cohesion with other parts. Vividlyvauge, perhaps it reads a bit like too much attempting to perfect individual lines in a poetic way rather than focussing on keeping a coherent thread throughout the whole thing. Yes, there was the overall message and the same underlying theme throughout of the cosmic turtle (so-called “Akapura”) but the language was so verbose and unfitting it became off-putting. E.g., “a frustration bored down to a jester's lore. “ + “a caste decomposed.” all the mixed metaphors and stuff felt like it detracted from rather than added to it overall. It’s like if perhaps you were more restrained and brought in the sun and moon God characters earlier and focused the relationships between these 3 entities within that universe you were onto a good idea. Voted for Vulgar.