Week 7 - symetrik (2-1) vs. ThisIsDam (0-0) - THISISDAM WINS 7-4

[Mike Wrecka]

Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic





Good Luck @symetrik @ThisisDAM

[symetrik]

There Are Seasons In A Phone Call

He springs to his feet,
seems to not've just been woken from his sleep.
Receiver to the ear, mouth to the mouth-piece.
Disbelief sneaks and he lacks speech.
Tact-free cops can't keep peace… let alone tell him that his daughter's dead.
Mindset sealed, resets to post-kill watershed,
gives himself the go-ahead,
and hangs up.

"Summer" on his tongue-tip.
The child of his first wife… the kid he fell in love with.
He's tough shit, flashback to pre-kill,
Doesn't cry when his kids die or prescribe to any refills.
"be still" hits like a kiss to the lips with a clenched fist.
Tensed up muscles? Check. His own sweat? Drenched in.

The best six years of his life, gone.
Autumn colours leaves but his mind doesn't move on.
He prays wrong. "God would never do that", the priest says.
"Try to let your hate cease, and seek rest,
at the very least, keep it close to the vest. You're the Lord's son."
Close to the vest indeed, trigger finger pressed to his gun.
Done.

The Autumn colour leaves.
Death on his tongue-tip, face to the trees.
College ruled note on his nicely folded sheets.
"Tell my mother that I loved her. Please."

[ThisisDAM]

Here I was.. a motionless being
This box that I lay in, the coldest, Un-freeing
Untold are it's seedings, behold it's deceiving
A life full of roses disposed of it's meaning
The rows of the bleating, my families cries
Their hands in the skies,
Screaming & hollering, "the damn its & why's"
No bandage devised, I managed to die
The panic, its size, gigantic & wide
My wife, in front, was stronger then the darkest storm
My twins, so young, no longer share their fathers warmth
I lost my chance to watch them branch out & grow
To teach them all the things I've been proud to know
Life was never easy, things were grim for years
Then diminished fear arose from within my tears
I met their mother, she brought me hope & love
A rope to tug, some kind of hocus pocus stuff
How volcanoes erupt, the way the smoke arose above
Emotions, trust, All delivered within a stroke of luck
But.. I waited decades to see my life transform in shape
To watch who formed the clay,
Destroy & take, everything I felt I was born to make
My kids first crawl, steps, words, date & prom
Not to be erased, embalmed to taste the sod
Okay Okay, i'm staying calm
I always had a backup plan arranged
To span the days, watching as my kids began a phase
Before my last breath, I reached into my pockets quick
These magical seeds, I was given as an offering, gift
I swallowed them whole, then waited for the moment of truth
I will always be here, in tune, & they'll be knowing it soon
As they laid me to rest, within seconds I felt growing anew
Within days, I peeked out to the world, over the tomb
I could observe the life I lost, a new birth it's given me
Transfer this energy that I've been cursed with physically
No longer motionless, I sprouted, it's worth the imagery
I grew with my kids, flora & fauna, in perfect symmetry

[Geno]

Love this battle

Symetrik, you tied seasons into your verse nicely.
Only thing I couldn't quite grasp though, and hopefully I'm in the ballpark here at least. Was weather or not your character was a heart broken parent. Or a disgruntled student.. or perhaps both? Or maybe I'm totally off. Read the verse a couple times and it was tough to follow exactly what was going on.
Mechanically I feel like it started a tad slow and then built along with the content.. which to me is a dope touch, so no complaints there.

Dam
I sense the typical life/death sort of content I've seen a lot. What makes your verse dope though, is the technicals you pulled off. Had a very nice rhythm and then switched and then back and then forth and stayed. Thoroughly liquid imo. Thought it read superbly, not much unlike symetriks verse.
I dug the story, seen it done in different ways here and there a few times before but I'm gonna get over that in this particular situation. You have a slight advantage as far as I'm concerned this week, and that is because you wrote a touch longer verse that had enough details for me to fully understand what was going on. Not to say that its going to seal a. Victory for you, not by any meaans is that what I'm trying to say.. because perhaps my comprehension will differ from everyone elses..

But anyhow, having said all that, this was a very tough call for me. I knew what symetri was capable of and even predicted in his favor this week.. wasn't sure about dam because its just been too long since I've seen him active anywhere. He surprised, aso I was a little surpised that symetrik didn't bring a more thorough verse. But again.. maybe my comprehension skills are lacking tonight?

I gotta go ahead and vote for dam this week, with what to me, would be considered an upset win

V-dam
Could still go either way. Good battle

GL to both here

[Mr. J]

I enjoyed this battle, I felt both verses were dope
one with the shorter view at it, the other long winded
the difference showed and both came with a great idea
I thought the tree was just a tree at first..but then I was like ohhh
illusionist ordeal eh...

Sym, I felt your verse was nice, the fluent vibe you gave off was smooth
you delivered a simple yet idealistically a very potent verse which I enjoyed
I kind of felt that you could have went longer with this and brought more depth
but what you did spoke for itself regardless of length (that's what she said)
a great verse my dude...

DAM, I believe this is the first time I am reading any of your work, at least I think it is,
but either way you didn't disappoint with what you had, it flowed well
it had it's high points and low, but nothing strong enough to impact your verse
it was written perfectly to imperfection, a very strong showing for your first appearance
nice drop

I feel that this really boils down to my interest
who kept it long enough to stay in my thoughts
and I feel like DAm may have done that well enough
Sym delivered a great verse, which seemed poetic
very poetic, it spoke many volumes to me...
but didn't stay captivating enough to win...
maybe a little more focus on the seasons would have helped
either way it was a great battle from both writers....

v/DAM

[timeless]

This battle was dope.

Sym, I loved the story and all, but the your flow lacked at times and threw me off. Every time I was actually saying to myself 'that's dope', the next line just took a turn towards the end of this battle.

"be still" hits like a kiss to the lips with a clenched fist.
Tensed up muscles? Check. His own sweat? Drenched in.
By far my favorite line.

Dam, shit was on point. Your wordplay could've been a little better but I liked how it all came together.

But.. I waited decades to see my life transform in shape
To watch who formed the clay,
Destroy & take, everything I felt I was born to make
highlight reel material

Vote - Dam

[Vulgar]

symetrik - I like how you used the picture. The story rung of a father's melancholy, and it was spruced with flashback memory fibers that worked. Not a "full meal" type of verse if that makes sense. You seem to enjoy offering photographs rather than albums. Overall, it was cool.

DAM - Welcome back, D. You are 80% rusty, I think, but this was a step above what I expected to read from you on your first topical back. I thought it came through successfully. Nice integration of the picture into key areas of the piece, cool tempo, experienced writing, and a satisfying closer. Good work.

Vote - DAM

[Certain]

symetrik: The tie-ins to the seasons saved this verse from feeling too simplistic. But that feeling was still there because the story line was kept surprisingly surface-level. Perhaps you were worried after so many misinterpreted your last verse, but that subtlety was gone in this one, and I missed it. You still used strong imagery that kept things vivid and interesting. I liked the "mouth to the mouth-piece" line in the context of the rest of your verse. It fit. You tell your stories like a writer with more potential than you've shown here. It would be very interesting to see a fully invested verse.

ThisisDAM: I read a similar verse by Mr. J about an hour ago in the championship match, one that hinged on a big reveal at the end after a very vague and meandering verse. Like that one, I had a hard time getting into this verse. I found the big twist to be a bit implausible, and I don't know what "fauna" had to do with anything in your verse. You dug in too deep on your metaphor. I grasped your perspective early on, but the way you wrote made it sort of make half-sense as a straightforward (human) parent-children relationship and half-sense in the metaphorical sense. As a result, the entire read was awkward. The rhymes were a highlight, even though you did let them carry you a bit too much. You obviously are a good writer, and perhaps you're rusty at this point. But this verse was a bit uneasy for me because of the conflicting images. To properly execute a personification/twist verse, it should make complete sense when read before and after the big twist. Here, I don't think it made complete sense in either case.

Vote: symetrik

[symetrik]

Vote links:
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=30093
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=30094
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=30095
@Certain tag swag.

[King Ra.]

Welcome back, DAM. This match was really good. I feel both competitors did a great job tapping into this picture. Both directions were very different.

symetrik, from what I've read from you so far this season, you pack a lot of deep thought for such short pieces. Reading over your story a few times, the feelings were very heavy. You approached this image very uniquely (whereas DAM took the expected route) and that really reeled me in. The way you wrote everything may seem off, but it actually comes together. I would say, your story could have used some stronger wording but you do a good job using simple terminology to relay a solid message. I actually liked your piece from beginning to end, the ending being very strong, and you transitioned to it well, and it astounds me how you are able to do this with the little that you share each week. Maybe my favorite from you thus far.

DAM, first off, I liked how smoothly your piece read from start to finish. You definitely have that going for you. I'll agree with Geno here, in that the direction you took isn't fresh, but you did a good job still putting together a touching story. There are some things, in this first piece of yours, which showed your rust. Some of your lines could have been worded differently- this was particularly in the early part of your piece for example: "the damn its whys"- it took from what you were saying, possibly sacrificing the content to keep the rhythm of your piece, I think you could have phrased that better, but it's not so much a big deal, I kind of saw the difference between the first half from the second. Your ending is my second knock. I liked it, but there wasn't enough written before that led into it, unless I'm missing something, but from what I read, nothing sort of tied into the icing you put on the cake. In comparison to symetrik's ending, it's pretty even in intensity, but the transition to it hurt here. All in all, very good story for getting back into the write life.


Impressed with both pieces here, but one stood out more than the other to me, and that was symetrik's story. While very short, it packed a solid punch. The ending I really liked, very powerful and the direction he took was very fresh from the image. DAM did a good job, but I feel the route he took was less risky from the one his opponent went.

MVGT: symetrik. Good job by both competitors.

[patrown]

symetrik - good shit. the story was complete but you really were missing detail here. you basically tried to capitalize on a tough situation and draw emotion from it - but i didn't know enough about your character to truly be involved with the story or get any emotion from it. all i know is this guy definitely sleeps sometimes, had a daughter, had a divorce, doesn't take medication. well you know what? ig uess i do know a lot. i didn't really grasp this as a whole picture or feel much from it, only knew what was going on and how it ended. so i guess you told a decent story. it just lacked development.
thisisdam- wow. i haven't really read you before, although you remind me of someone from RM. completely developed story. you went through the whole scale of human worth. and that's something i have to respect. i like how you said you ate the seeds that grew, and said within days you were sprouting above the ground. almost as if with death, you gave birth to new life. but you really said it in a beautiful way. and i appreciate the piece in it's entirety.

/v dam - mechanics really made the decision for me... although this was a close battle, i felt like your story was more complete.

[Diode]

this battle obviously resonated with me given what happened in my personal life. two verses about death. thanks, jerks.

i love symetrik's schemes. i don't know what it is, but the constant switchbacks throughout the verse put me in a happy place. i have yet to be disappointed on the technical front. tying in the season both subtly and blatantly was an interesting touch. i liked the story, though like most, the end confused me a little bit. the stitled nature might have hurt you here. that's my only real negative feedback.

dam, i went into yours thinking symetrik had this locked up. at the start i still felt that way.. but as the story was revealed, i felt it was much more cohesive and thought out than what symetrik offered. your flow was smooth, though there wasn't anything "wow". what was "wow" was the ending and the seeds that tied the picture in with your tale. it wasn't so much a twist as it was pulling back the curtain on the setup. i loved it. a lot.

with that said.. this is a very close battle. but after some thought, i have to give it to dam for the story. symetrik, keep doing what you do.. just try to weave everything together a little more comprehensively. the ending lost me.

v/ dam

[Inno]

dam.

welcome back man you still dropping heat my nigga..this was some cool ass storytelling man very fluid and each line seemed to transition the story along seamlessly. great storyline and concept to the topic..from beginning to end it was flawless in the scheme and flow..couple of cool lines through out the piece..very solid stuff man..welcome back.

sy.

I thought ths was fuck dope..the format the poetic feel, atless that's how I got the vibe..great storytelling..each stanza was strong and blended to each other well..the imagery you created was dope tho that was my favorite part of your writing, a lot if little small shit here and there ad really impressed me like the season thing..very cool and really played well with the topic.


overall i think ama give this to symetrik i thought his verse gell better to the topic at hand..i think the seasons thing did it for me..aside from the great language and fluidity of each stanza..

symetrik

[NYCSPITZ]

DAM yours was dope and ended in a great creative flourish. Symmetrick I liked the suspense you used and the emotional impact in a concise verse. Dam's was a little bit more long-winded and while I enjoyed the peaks of his verse a lot, I feel symmetrick had the better verse by a little this time around. DAM, good to have you back in the game...

v/ sym

[ThisisDAM]

I forgot to post my links, give me a pass this week, I voted on 3

[e11even]

Sym- This was a solid and enjoyable effort. The story was beyond relatable, and your subject inclusion was slick. There were a few potholes, the last one most likely intentional, but overall a great read that I could resonate with. Well done.

Dam- Damn, Damn. This was tight, focused, and technically superb as far as rhyme mechanics. Your story went leaps and bounds, came off pretty damn complete, and left me with that "oh shit" at the end. I loved this verse.

Great battle guys. I am only slightly familiar with Sym, but I had no idea what kind of matchup this would be. I loved the take you both took on this. Sym- I felt the conviction and how you killed the topic, but the picture wasn't as fleshed out as I'd wanted. Dam- beyond solid execution and equally interesting spin of the topic. MVGT Dam Great job this week guys, and I hope you both show next week.