Castles in the air

patrown · 11-06-2013, 03:40 AM

Frank - what the fuck. seagulls shitting on this girls face. why?
why would seagulls be shitting on this girls face? idk. they're perilously turning,

her mother is covering her to avoid her child getting covered with .. perilous turds.
in her curls.

almost felt like she was slingshotting stale pieces of sourdough at the birds.
malicious like. not that thats not cool, i mean. i used to do that with like.
pellets and stuff. but still. interesting.
so the mothers voice is an abstract concept.

almost as if , the child was being given a warning from parents.
but that wasn't truly evident. just an everyday event, conversation.

aquarium urns was a little bit stretched for me. seriously, too in depth.
not going to be caught. still, deep. i appreciate that line. just still.
try harder. use more syllables to communicate the deeper meanings.
that was seriously important.

still more about the bird dookie. what the fuck. conchlier implants? turn for the better. i kinda see where the degrading aspect of the verse is coming from. notthat..
being deaf is bad. just .. well. i saw your angle when i read that.

volley balls impaled by berserk what? monster?
etc etc. tell more there for such strong language. easy to do in 3-5 syllables.

ahh. children, welfare. far away from them. thats a little diddy in and of itself.
transparencies is very openly interpreted. i think you were trying to allow for some sick shit along with the wholesale widely accepted regular run of the mill meaning people can swallow.

her conchlear eroded, from the sea salt and the bird shit that went through her hair and churned her ear to a mur-mur-
fuck you. i love you. but fuck you farhter than i love you. k? cool.
shark attacks.. warnings.. to pearl. i just wrote on a bitch named pearl.
you ... contraversial ass. well spoken person. seriously, idk. what to say about you.
honestly. you're way too abstract here. i've read your shit so much more descriptive. but this piece feels like you're drawing in your audience through allusions and vague statements.
enjoyed it very much. so much. great piece Frank. great piece. Thank you. Keep these coming.

Much love. All in all, I feel like you need to make some more pointed statements to get your general meaning across to the masses. but as far as this piece goes and i am concerned.. you killed it. Great drop. Thank you.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Switch to Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Threaded Mode

11-06-2013, 03:40 AM	#14
patrown ‹^›ô¿ô‹^› Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 596 Battle Record: 13-19 Rep Power: 0	Frank - what the fuck. seagulls shitting on this girls face. why? why would seagulls be shitting on this girls face? idk. they're perilously turning, her mother is covering her to avoid her child getting covered with .. perilous turds. in her curls. almost felt like she was slingshotting stale pieces of sourdough at the birds. malicious like. not that thats not cool, i mean. i used to do that with like. pellets and stuff. but still. interesting. so the mothers voice is an abstract concept. almost as if , the child was being given a warning from parents. but that wasn't truly evident. just an everyday event, conversation. aquarium urns was a little bit stretched for me. seriously, too in depth. not going to be caught. still, deep. i appreciate that line. just still. try harder. use more syllables to communicate the deeper meanings. that was seriously important. still more about the bird dookie. what the fuck. conchlier implants? turn for the better. i kinda see where the degrading aspect of the verse is coming from. notthat.. being deaf is bad. just .. well. i saw your angle when i read that. volley balls impaled by berserk what? monster? etc etc. tell more there for such strong language. easy to do in 3-5 syllables. ahh. children, welfare. far away from them. thats a little diddy in and of itself. transparencies is very openly interpreted. i think you were trying to allow for some sick shit along with the wholesale widely accepted regular run of the mill meaning people can swallow. her conchlear eroded, from the sea salt and the bird shit that went through her hair and churned her ear to a mur-mur- fuck you. i love you. but fuck you farhter than i love you. k? cool. shark attacks.. warnings.. to pearl. i just wrote on a bitch named pearl. you ... contraversial ass. well spoken person. seriously, idk. what to say about you. honestly. you're way too abstract here. i've read your shit so much more descriptive. but this piece feels like you're drawing in your audience through allusions and vague statements. enjoyed it very much. so much. great piece Frank. great piece. Thank you. Keep these coming. Much love. All in all, I feel like you need to make some more pointed statements to get your general meaning across to the masses. but as far as this piece goes and i am concerned.. you killed it. Great drop. Thank you.