new song in the works

[breathless]

The first 4 bars are the definite hook and the 2nd 4 will be the chorus (possibly) I would like some feedback on that mainly...

If there ain't no rest for the wicked...
Then I might as well not have eyelids at all
Been awake so stressed with this sickness...
But I'm high as hell nonstop and I've had a ball

Could my good times turn into what would I do with worthless lines?
Certainly, a perfect kind of conundrum comes from work this fine.
It's hurts my mind to think hard, but I'm numb inside, I wonder why
Undermined, to sink farther and stumble by this troubled life

Thunder, lightning and tons of other natural actions happen
But the fact is, none combine with actual satisfaction
I've ran the gamut, and its runnin fine, and my ampersands are sands of time
Hour glasses and granite shrines stand in line with passive masses
as this passion grinds to a halt with exalted Christ's at fault
It's man's divine stance on compassion mined from Thoth
did they graft an ibis skull onto a canonized thought
Or are the grey believers just not seein Shiva as a sign?
I applaud, the audience for denial of my features
It cauterized these countenance reprisals from my speech bursts
Feet first, I walk along the ceilings aligned with creatures
of the night, but its all for nought, I've reached for the sky

[e11even]

damn. please upload audio once you get to it.


the second four of the hook went harder than the first four of the hook. i don't know if that means you should verse it or keep it, but i think for a trial version you should record this version so i can hear the cadence and conviction in the delivery. afterall, thats what usually makes a good song great. good shit.