The Cave

[Zen]

I start depictions of Mars descendin near the atmosphere
In large descriptions as I lay scarred but ridden
Of bizzare inflictions. Which I soon removed
With carved incisions into the hull of my skull
Down in my brain where horrors remain charred but livin
As memories of miseries which turn into bars I've written
With jarred precision til I learn lessons of my transgressions
And they are forgiven. Until then they stand guard of forbiddens
As I lay trapped in a cave, where minutes lapse in a day
As I'm clasped, A slave of the past I face,
My laughs decay into a drastic craze of wrath and rage
Til I collapse and pray and synapses portray imagery near me
Of lastin praise which last and stays
And which maps away across the paths in the brain
And I master the waves and crack the chains as sparks flew,
And I chart my cruise through the passageways
And I start anew but my hearts confused, Earthly gains, Is it a worthy game?
Its hard to choose with only but bizzare clues,
I can only hope and plead that this isn't what's supposed to be
As serotonin pleas for me to go to sleep,
Rest in peace, I scream into the morning breeze.

[Coup]

sup Zen

lot's of interesting snippets and lines here...the opening was a little jarring not because of the mechanics, but rather because (for me) it was a confusing way to open..By 'start deceptions', do you mean "you see", in any sense of the word?

I perceive this piece to be you receiving some rather graphic or even prophetic vision, and you are hashing them out for the reader. If this be true, you are marked somehow by this event or by your memories that they sparked, as you say by 'writtens' and are reacting accordingly...but we the readers were not told by hinting nor by your narration on this...it was open to interpretation, that has some problems within, in this piece you did. I could make up anything to explain what happened and why in this, because nothing is said of it...which if you filled that in would have been a payoff (this can be achieved by taking a different tone, scheme, pattern of flow, or voice to pull on the reader with alliteration, and other devices.)

I lay this all out and ask questions because your detail here in this, in each bar was very micro and up close...each line very specific, ultra specific, which taken as an whole and compared to the rest, confuses a bit as a general rule. Only carefully studying this piece I found out what's up wit it. I think a problem was that in the first 10 lines you have so much location, time, space and action all going against each other, fight to grab attention that all is lost to it, giving this a convoluted feel, and not unified theme...: running themes like Mars, being stitched up, being precise, writing, doing this and that...learning something. Be forgiving, transgression.

That confused me a bit.


I think you brought it in a little bit in the rest of the lines: (compare the last 10 lines to the first and you tell me)

Til I collapse and pray and synapses portray imagery near me
Of lastin praise which last and stays
And which maps away across the paths in the brain
And I master the waves and crack the chains as sparks flew,
And I chart my cruise through the passageways
And I start anew but my hearts confused, Earthly gains, Is it a worthy game?
Its hard to choose with only but bizzare clues,
I can only hope and plead that this isn't what's supposed to be
As serotonin pleas for me to go to sleep,
Rest in peace, I scream into the morning breeze.

see how the bold phrases all match up with eachother in all the lines ? that's great and enjoyable. See the "Jezebel" peice in the OM and notice how it is not so micro and is more telescoped out for understanding...


As for the mechanics, great job there..you ahve a good sense of rhyme and just by reading 4 pieces from you I think I would never mistake a piece by you with another....


and lastly, these aer just my thoughts and I understand that I'm not the best writer or trying to sound it...just have that critic in me.

peace

[Zen]

Originally Posted by Coup

sup Zen

lot's of interesting snippets and lines here...the opening was a little jarring not because of the mechanics, but rather because (for me) it was a confusing way to open..By 'start deceptions', do you mean "you see", in any sense of the word?

I perceive this piece to be you receiving some rather graphic or even prophetic vision, and you are hashing them out for the reader. If this be true, you are marked somehow by this event or by your memories that they sparked, as you say by 'writtens' and are reacting accordingly...but we the readers were not told by hinting nor by your narration on this...it was open to interpretation, that has some problems within, in this piece you did. I could make up anything to explain what happened and why in this, because nothing is said of it...which if you filled that in would have been a payoff (this can be achieved by taking a different tone, scheme, pattern of flow, or voice to pull on the reader with alliteration, and other devices.)

I lay this all out and ask questions because your detail here in this, in each bar was very micro and up close...each line very specific, ultra specific, which taken as an whole and compared to the rest, confuses a bit as a general rule. Only carefully studying this piece I found out what's up wit it. I think a problem was that in the first 10 lines you have so much location, time, space and action all going against each other, fight to grab attention that all is lost to it, giving this a convoluted feel, and not unified theme...: running themes like Mars, being stitched up, being precise, writing, doing this and that...learning something. Be forgiving, transgression.

That confused me a bit.


I think you brought it in a little bit in the rest of the lines: (compare the last 10 lines to the first and you tell me)

Til I collapse and pray and synapses portray imagery near me
Of lastin praise which last and stays
And which maps away across the paths in the brain
And I master the waves and crack the chains as sparks flew,
And I chart my cruise through the passageways
And I start anew but my hearts confused, Earthly gains, Is it a worthy game?
Its hard to choose with only but bizzare clues,
I can only hope and plead that this isn't what's supposed to be
As serotonin pleas for me to go to sleep,
Rest in peace, I scream into the morning breeze.

see how the bold phrases all match up with eachother in all the lines ? that's great and enjoyable. See the "Jezebel" peice in the OM and notice how it is not so micro and is more telescoped out for understanding...


As for the mechanics, great job there..you ahve a good sense of rhyme and just by reading 4 pieces from you I think I would never mistake a piece by you with another....


and lastly, these aer just my thoughts and I understand that I'm not the best writer or trying to sound it...just have that critic in me.

peace

Well in the first line I say start depictions not start deceptions that may be why that confused you. But as you said I left this piece open to interpretation because I tried to lay out three possibilities of what it may mean. It could mean that the cave is his brain and hes stuck in it and wants out through suicide, hes literally stuck in a cave and trying to find a way out, or the cave is his alienation by being cast out of society. Very complicated process of writing this short piece actually. Appreciate the feed @Coup

[Fig]

And which maps away across the paths in the brain And I master the waves and crack the chains as sparks flew, And I chart my cruise through the passageways And I start anew but my hearts confused, Earthly gains, Is it a worthy game?

^^^
That was just great representation of the piece as a whole. You have a very unique structure that is fun to read alongwith. Also, i love the interpretation you leave up to the reader. There were some points where you started a line with the same word, like as. You should find a way to diversify the way you begin lines. Break up the monotony. Overall, good piece, I'll be looking out for other drops.

[Zen]

I agree about startin lines with the same words I'm workin on that. Appreciate the feed

[Zen]

Up

[Witty]

I really enjoyed this, it was short but there was a lot of detail in it and you said a lot of pretty interesting things. The flow was dope, didn't have any problem with that at all, and I don't particularly think any part of the piece was sacrificed for this...the rhyming was great, and the imagery and emotion seemed both effortless and real, I could feel what you wanted the reader to feel and I understood everything clearly. I agree with being more diverse with your word choices but honestly I don't think it is a huge problem, just something that needs a bit of polishing. You have the basics down and much more, a dope writer and a dope piece.

It was a pleasure to read, really enjoyed it...keep writing man, props.

[Zen]

Appreciate that Witty. Much love

[Zen]

Hey assholes drop feed. Up

[IamBenT]

Very dope. What I say mirrors kind of what was said before.

"Its hard to choose with only but bizzare clues"

- i would reword that.

At line 10 is where this really picked up imo and got hot with the flow, the
word choice, everything. the first part was a bit slow.
really liked the last floating image at the end too. The title left me
expecting like darkness and stalagmites and shit lol
but this was cool, how its kind of a hiding place in the mind.

plus you start off with these bizarre inflictions, i was expecting more on that.

all in all a dope verse i think. a bit abstract

[Just Write]

thought you didnt get any feed on this lol.. anyways yea i enjoyed this man. from "and they are forgiven" on the flow was very smooth. idk about that first part but i dont usually see that scheme from you. it wasnt as smooth or crisp as im used to from you. content wise i like this, kinda dark emoish which isnt what im used to you doing. i love when i read something from someone and its different from their normal steez. anyways good piece my brotha. stay up, pm me a verse and lets collab

[Zen]

Appreciate that @IamBenT and @Just Write and I'll get a verse to you as soon as I can. And I said it hardly got any feed not no feed at all lol

[Natural]

I was more intrigued by the scheming tbh. I thought i was unique because tbh i really don't recall anyone else doing that. I'm the type of person who is interested in the technical ryhming mechanics of rap. As far as flow is concerned it was on point majority but i thought some of your end rhymes threw off the flow in spots.

I just may have to collab with ya at some point. If i had any real advice to give for your improvement it would be to just be careful not to fall into one particular style because experimenting with different ones is what allows such variety between drop to drop.

Good use of vocabulary...because tbh i have no idea what synapses means lol

Stay up dude.
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