Week 5 - Mike Wrecka (1-3) vs. Adonis (2-1) - MIKE WRECKA WINS 7-6

[PancakeBrah]

Wish I could give in depth break downs but I'm relatively busy. With procrastinating.

Adonis -

Another centered verse *furiously makes jerk off motion*. Anyways, this was okay. The language and rhythm of the piece, in my read, was better than the one you wrote last week. There's still some clunky wording here and there, and a few overly simplistic rhymes, but overall this was an improvement. This line in particular

"A burst of light absorbs a face, such scorching hue,
A reddish gold entwined leaving humankind to bid adieu,"

was really enjoyable. This is a specific instance where a 'simple' rhyme doesn't detract from the reader's experience because the bar is chock full of imagery without being superfluous. It just rolls off the tongue and paints a scene. 'such scorching hue' was great wording. There was a running theme of handicapped people (person?) experiencing the apocalypse and how they would interpret or deal with it differently which was sort of nifty but you didn't make it the main point of your verse and as such it feels like a incomplete idea, a strand that leads the reader to a conclusion that doesn't exist. I thought your take on the topic this week was okay, but wonder if using a second picture, albeit in the same color as the topic, isn't a bit of a cop out. I think this verse would've been more subtle if you had actually just used the topic image and allowed the reader to fill in the blanks instead of hitting him/her over the head with it. Ending was okay. Overall, a solid piece that needed a little more fine tuning.

MW -

Same critique I had for Adonis in using a second picture applies here.

A bit uneven here. Your wording is redundant in a few spots;

"so the cycle continued, over and over in this cyclical nature,"

"lava sat atop a mountain top,"

Also the use of 'prayer' or 'praying' a couple times seemed redundant. Some of your language was pretty basic as well. "but the volcano became angry" could work if you had set the piece in a different tone, maybe from the point of view of a villager, but as a piece of third person wording this was a little cringeworthy. The story itself left a lot to be desired. I think if you had expanded this piece and given more character to the villagers and more detail to the 'cycle' itself then the twist ending would've hit a bit harder. As it stands now, this definitely feels like a rushed verse. I know you said you didn't really have time to write for this and that you signed out for next week, so I assume this is the case. I know you can write to a much higher level than this.

v/ Adonis