Week 5 - PancakeBrah (1-1) vs. breathless (1-2) - PANCAKEBRAH WINS 7-0

zygote · 10-23-2013, 10:50 PM

For Breathless, enjoyed the cyclical beginning and ending device that was a good way to show the 'continuous grind' grey atmosphere. Did not think that the portrayal of bleakness was backed up enough by language choice especially in some of the middle sections. E.g., "Shocked that I lost potential yet still amped up to get it through, my head, like a cannonball that hits the truth, but missed it too," - it was some nice language play (the 'shocked' and 'amped up' part) but it does not feel like it is fitting. While reading it I wanted the language that was more bleak, more pointless, less fancy and more depressing. This is a good example of language that was better; "I had to watch this clock tick" More parts like that would have been nice.

For PancakeBrah, enjoy the character study where the focus is not so much on any plot but rather on the characters internal motives. It was similar in style to a few good ones you've written like this (the one that stands out most is the "Gloves and hammer" one). The first half works well for what it is, the character description/set-up and the second half was a great portrayal of phantasy mind trapped within a bleak environment. The comparisons of reality; "He stared, affixed and straight, to one wall of the cell" and internal wish "he grew. Gave to new palettes. The freedom of blues and reds" were the deciding factor. Voting for PancakeBrah.

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10-23-2013, 10:50 PM	#8
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	For Breathless, enjoyed the cyclical beginning and ending device that was a good way to show the 'continuous grind' grey atmosphere. Did not think that the portrayal of bleakness was backed up enough by language choice especially in some of the middle sections. E.g., "Shocked that I lost potential yet still amped up to get it through, my head, like a cannonball that hits the truth, but missed it too," - it was some nice language play (the 'shocked' and 'amped up' part) but it does not feel like it is fitting. While reading it I wanted the language that was more bleak, more pointless, less fancy and more depressing. This is a good example of language that was better; "I had to watch this clock tick" More parts like that would have been nice. For PancakeBrah, enjoy the character study where the focus is not so much on any plot but rather on the characters internal motives. It was similar in style to a few good ones you've written like this (the one that stands out most is the "Gloves and hammer" one). The first half works well for what it is, the character description/set-up and the second half was a great portrayal of phantasy mind trapped within a bleak environment. The comparisons of reality; "He stared, affixed and straight, to one wall of the cell" and internal wish "he grew. Gave to new palettes. The freedom of blues and reds" were the deciding factor. Voting for PancakeBrah.