Dear Maker, I've Met My Demise...Exis&Vulg

[Certain]

I've read better from each of you. The verses were disjointed topically, with Exis telling a story of sorts while Vulgar basically provided a character sketch, which felt even stranger because his verse came second. Some minor touchups would have allowed his verse to go first and give us a better sense of the character for Exis' story.

The flow of the opening section of the first stanza was difficult to pick up. Ellipses are a poor choice because they are used stylistically to indicate a trailing off of a thought. The rhymes were sort of scattered anyway, and the extra pauses made them feel even more spaced out and unrelated. By the time I was adjusted, the stanza had become more conventional anyway. The sections in quotes in the first stanza were weak. The dialogue wasn't real dialogue, and the narration was very inconsistent. Crisper imagery would have been appreciated, too. The key to imagery is specificity, but you dwelled instead on generic body parts without much in the way of description.

The second stanza flowed more smoothly, but some of the same problems continued. The two lines of dialogue were weird, simply not the types of things people say. The ending felt rushed, as though you decided it was time to return to the story but only wanted to cut it short with one couplet. And again, the story didn't move much in this couplet, so it felt like a stall tactic to get to that end.

Generally speaking, collaborative storytelling is difficult and not even really worthwhile. I appreciate the effort, but I think both of you could have done a better job with this topic individually.