Suicide Birth Canal

Defy Gravity · 08-18-2013, 11:29 PM

Before I exited the Birth canal

My thoughts are an infermary swirling like a cumulus cloud
As my corpse is squirming about, I let the noose be my uvula's crown
Staggering emotions, aggravating thoughts traveling waves of provocation
Slashing my wrist open, the aftermath taste like a comatose mint
Tailored in plaid pants and elephants dancing under a closed tent
My inner child lost, closed in, spawning demon disguised with shard toe tips
Heavy perspiring, being transported in a cabby steadying a siren
Mince my arteries to confetti as I close my eyes & let the silence in
Serene Moments interrupted, dreamy whispers to lean forward in the suffix
I see love ones that once been, feeling weightless and now an abrupt lift
Paramedic pray for a sudden rift to contain my vital signs
Visioning the straight line on the heart monitor mimics a wave tidal rise
No love ones by my side, no two step to cupid's harpoon
Life flashes before my eyes while drool wept a lucid harsh pool
In the wake of my demise, their hearts will ache,
As tears trapes a million summer skies/
As life summersault from somewhere high,
tell El Mundo adios
While precipitation conjure from under my eyes/
Taking this illuminated tunnel ride, I see countless cries in my stretch casket/
Death is excruciating, gruesome, vile As paramedic try to revive my flesh cabinet/
Please god welcome my madness in your bosom with a snug grasp
With the sneeze guard over my face as the handlers tug & give rescue breathes
My soul drift like autumn leaves caught in a draft of the coldest breeze
While EMS spar & plead for my life like gladiators in a coliseum
I bid farewell bullies, school yard crushes and so forth
While stomach pumps pry poison pills as I transcend into ghost form
But the suction tubes can’t remove the death I induce from every crevice
As I am far remove from the sheriff who produce suicide hotline pamphlets
They called my time of death as I move towards the light in tiny steps
Let the rope ring my neck, I'm finished, now I surrendered my final dying breathe

I'm Alive!

Nigma · 08-19-2013, 01:12 AM

you had some really good advanced assonance based transitions that were pretty dope

Quote:

Paramedic pray for a sudden rift to contain my vital signs
Visioning the straight line on the heart monitor mimics a wave tidal rise

fav line, really dope

really nice concept for this one and an even more interesting angle at that concept, well done. i liked this one

Defy Gravity · 08-19-2013, 10:22 PM

netcees.co/showthread.php?t=11234

@Vulgar

Vulgar · 08-19-2013, 11:27 PM

What's good sir,

My thoughts are an infermary swirling like a cumulus cloud
As my corpse is squirming about, I let the noose be my uvula's crown
Really like the opening wording, interested to see where this goes
Staggering emotions, aggravating thoughts traveling waves of provocation
Slashing my wrist open, the aftermath taste like a comatose mint
Wack follow up, sorry
Tailored in plaid pants and elephants dancing under a closed tent
My inner child lost, closed in, spawning demon disguised with shard toe tips
'shard toe tips' feels forced. I like the inner child reference, you just need to build on it
Heavy perspiring, being transported in a cabby steadying a siren
Mince my arteries to confetti as I close my eyes & let the silence in
Dope
Serene Moments interrupted, dreamy whispers to lean forward in the suffix
I see love ones that once been, feeling weightless and now an abrupt lift
Paramedic pray for a sudden rift to contain my vital signs
Visioning the straight line on the heart monitor mimics a wave tidal rise
In this last line the wording is a bit of a jumble, otherwise cool
No love ones by my side, no two step to cupid's harpoon
Life flashes before my eyes while drool wept a lucid harsh pool
'drool wept' is extremely forced. I would've maybe said 'lucid, dark pool'
In the wake of my demise, their hearts will ache,
I don't mean to sound condescending but aching hearts is very cliche
As tears trapes a million summer skies/
As life summersault from somewhere high,
tell El Mundo adios
While precipitation conjure from under my eyes/
^ehhh
Taking this illuminated tunnel ride, I see countless cries in my stretch casket/
Death is excruciating, gruesome, vile As paramedic try to revive my flesh cabinet/
The second half of the second line I liked a lot
Please god welcome my madness in your bosom with a snug grasp
With the sneeze guard over my face as the handlers tug & give rescue breathes
My soul drift like autumn leaves caught in a draft of the coldest breeze
While EMS spar & plead for my life like gladiators in a coliseum
I bid farewell bullies, school yard crushes and so forth
While stomach pumps pry poison pills as I transcend into ghost form
But the suction tubes can’t remove the death I induce from every crevice
As I am far remove from the sheriff who produce suicide hotline pamphlets
Very fragmental and disjointed. Not sure why the story is a blur but it is.
They called my time of death as I move towards the light in tiny steps
Let the rope ring my neck, I'm finished, now I surrendered my final dying breathe

I'm Alive!
^Nice concept

Overall a bit underwhelming since you are hot and cold constantly. Just my personal taste I would recommend that you aim for smoother more simplistic language development. It feels like you go on shopping sprees and can't concentrate on selecting the important items first: you ferociously pursue everything in every aisle but unfortunately it doesn't equal a complete, well rounded verse, IMO. Good writing though.

Keep doing you

Defy Gravity · 08-20-2013, 12:08 AM

@Vulgar

This is what you get when you say ...write a piece from the heart. since I'm heartless I wrote a Suicide piece.

the critique is appreciated. The Comatose mint line is epic...to bad you hated it

Vulgar · 08-20-2013, 12:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Defy Gravity

@Vulgar

This is what you get when you say ...write a piece from the heart. since I'm heartless I wrote a Suicide piece.

the critique is appreciated. The Comatose mint line is epic...to bad you hated it

lol I got you.

also I think I have a personal vendetta against the word 'comatose'
maybe an English teacher criticized me for misusing it in the past...anyways, it wasn't a terrible line. I don't see how those two words go together @ comatose, mint

Stay up

Eŋg · 08-21-2013, 07:24 PM

fundamentals before (florid) articulacy.

even in this here arena; writing pseudo-poetry,

fundamentals. before.

08-18-2013, 11:29 PM	#1
Defy Gravity The Dominican Prince Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 264 Battle Record: 1-3 Rep Power: 476	Suicide Birth Canal Before I exited the Birth canal My thoughts are an infermary swirling like a cumulus cloud As my corpse is squirming about, I let the noose be my uvula's crown Staggering emotions, aggravating thoughts traveling waves of provocation Slashing my wrist open, the aftermath taste like a comatose mint Tailored in plaid pants and elephants dancing under a closed tent My inner child lost, closed in, spawning demon disguised with shard toe tips Heavy perspiring, being transported in a cabby steadying a siren Mince my arteries to confetti as I close my eyes & let the silence in Serene Moments interrupted, dreamy whispers to lean forward in the suffix I see love ones that once been, feeling weightless and now an abrupt lift Paramedic pray for a sudden rift to contain my vital signs Visioning the straight line on the heart monitor mimics a wave tidal rise No love ones by my side, no two step to cupid's harpoon Life flashes before my eyes while drool wept a lucid harsh pool In the wake of my demise, their hearts will ache, As tears trapes a million summer skies/ As life summersault from somewhere high, tell El Mundo adios While precipitation conjure from under my eyes/ Taking this illuminated tunnel ride, I see countless cries in my stretch casket/ Death is excruciating, gruesome, vile As paramedic try to revive my flesh cabinet/ Please god welcome my madness in your bosom with a snug grasp With the sneeze guard over my face as the handlers tug & give rescue breathes My soul drift like autumn leaves caught in a draft of the coldest breeze While EMS spar & plead for my life like gladiators in a coliseum I bid farewell bullies, school yard crushes and so forth While stomach pumps pry poison pills as I transcend into ghost form But the suction tubes can’t remove the death I induce from every crevice As I am far remove from the sheriff who produce suicide hotline pamphlets They called my time of death as I move towards the light in tiny steps Let the rope ring my neck, I'm finished, now I surrendered my final dying breathe I'm Alive!

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08-19-2013, 11:27 PM	#4
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	What's good sir, My thoughts are an infermary swirling like a cumulus cloud As my corpse is squirming about, I let the noose be my uvula's crown Really like the opening wording, interested to see where this goes Staggering emotions, aggravating thoughts traveling waves of provocation Slashing my wrist open, the aftermath taste like a comatose mint Wack follow up, sorry Tailored in plaid pants and elephants dancing under a closed tent My inner child lost, closed in, spawning demon disguised with shard toe tips 'shard toe tips' feels forced. I like the inner child reference, you just need to build on it Heavy perspiring, being transported in a cabby steadying a siren Mince my arteries to confetti as I close my eyes & let the silence in Dope Serene Moments interrupted, dreamy whispers to lean forward in the suffix I see love ones that once been, feeling weightless and now an abrupt lift Paramedic pray for a sudden rift to contain my vital signs Visioning the straight line on the heart monitor mimics a wave tidal rise In this last line the wording is a bit of a jumble, otherwise cool No love ones by my side, no two step to cupid's harpoon Life flashes before my eyes while drool wept a lucid harsh pool 'drool wept' is extremely forced. I would've maybe said 'lucid, dark pool' In the wake of my demise, their hearts will ache, I don't mean to sound condescending but aching hearts is very cliche As tears trapes a million summer skies/ As life summersault from somewhere high, tell El Mundo adios While precipitation conjure from under my eyes/ ^ehhh Taking this illuminated tunnel ride, I see countless cries in my stretch casket/ Death is excruciating, gruesome, vile As paramedic try to revive my flesh cabinet/ The second half of the second line I liked a lot Please god welcome my madness in your bosom with a snug grasp With the sneeze guard over my face as the handlers tug & give rescue breathes My soul drift like autumn leaves caught in a draft of the coldest breeze While EMS spar & plead for my life like gladiators in a coliseum I bid farewell bullies, school yard crushes and so forth While stomach pumps pry poison pills as I transcend into ghost form But the suction tubes can’t remove the death I induce from every crevice As I am far remove from the sheriff who produce suicide hotline pamphlets Very fragmental and disjointed. Not sure why the story is a blur but it is. They called my time of death as I move towards the light in tiny steps Let the rope ring my neck, I'm finished, now I surrendered my final dying breathe I'm Alive! ^Nice concept Overall a bit underwhelming since you are hot and cold constantly. Just my personal taste I would recommend that you aim for smoother more simplistic language development. It feels like you go on shopping sprees and can't concentrate on selecting the important items first: you ferociously pursue everything in every aisle but unfortunately it doesn't equal a complete, well rounded verse, IMO. Good writing though. Keep doing you

08-21-2013, 07:24 PM	#7
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,150 Rep Power: 0	fundamentals before (florid) articulacy. even in this here arena; writing pseudo-poetry, fundamentals. before.