Week 4 - Innovator vs Certain Serpent - CS WINS

zygote · 08-14-2013, 05:37 AM

Enjoyed how both submissions started with the word I. Considering the topic translates to roughly "your own choice," it was a fitting way for both to start. Certain Serpent, liked the repetition. It is a simple technique and the repeated phrase itself isn't too inspiring. Well not when compared to great repetitions like "On the *** day" (bible) and "I have a dream" (MLK), but your repetition was interesting because you used it to create a thematic link. E.g., all the characters while different had this common connection, signaled by the repeated "I remember." Probably, seems like over-focus on one small aspect of your writing, but it was a big highlight for me.

Innovator, also enjoyed the repetition at the end there, creating the cyclical link between the first character and after his progression throughout the story, it still ends up with the same rhetoric. Very interesting and good stylistic choice. Liked how it was ambiguous, interpreted as a child at the beginning playing with a toy gun (the actual reference to so-called 'Smith & Wesson' , 'butterflies,' 'my innocence' + the title made me interpret this) and at the end a young captain now expressing these views he heard as a child. Further enjoyed the ambiguous time setting of the writing, it could have been USA civil war, WII, or modern, it was good not to give a clearly defined time period. Voted for Certain Serpent.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Switch to Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Threaded Mode

08-14-2013, 05:37 AM	#6
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	Enjoyed how both submissions started with the word I. Considering the topic translates to roughly "your own choice," it was a fitting way for both to start. Certain Serpent, liked the repetition. It is a simple technique and the repeated phrase itself isn't too inspiring. Well not when compared to great repetitions like "On the *** day" (bible) and "I have a dream" (MLK), but your repetition was interesting because you used it to create a thematic link. E.g., all the characters while different had this common connection, signaled by the repeated "I remember." Probably, seems like over-focus on one small aspect of your writing, but it was a big highlight for me. Innovator, also enjoyed the repetition at the end there, creating the cyclical link between the first character and after his progression throughout the story, it still ends up with the same rhetoric. Very interesting and good stylistic choice. Liked how it was ambiguous, interpreted as a child at the beginning playing with a toy gun (the actual reference to so-called 'Smith & Wesson' , 'butterflies,' 'my innocence' + the title made me interpret this) and at the end a young captain now expressing these views he heard as a child. Further enjoyed the ambiguous time setting of the writing, it could have been USA civil war, WII, or modern, it was good not to give a clearly defined time period. Voted for Certain Serpent.