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#9 |
WOW
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,591
Battle Record: 29-25
Champed - Writing Challenge League I
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ok cool battle here. you both matched the flow of the original almost flawlessly. both pieces had the same cadence of the lexicon verse. not sure if that was intentional or not
objective - I liked the direction you took. the paragraph section wasn't as good as the short bar section imo. you got philosophical to a degree which was cool, examining human nature. the structure was ok not great, and the end rhymes were a little basic. this piece could have used more multis. nigma- you took a different while similar direction. if that makes sense. instead of looking at human nature as a whole on a global scale like objective did you looked at human nature in an individual. yourself. the flow was good. I hated , hated, hated the font. made the whole post look immature when in reality it wasn't at all. I had to force myself to overcome that and see it for what it was. and I was able to because im awesome. anyway you got a tad lazy here and there My tools for survival Hooligan at minor ages Few detained arrivals Derival? Pride pent in me Crimes Dead on Arrival using arrival twice like that, I understand is on purpose and used for effect but it came off lazy to me. and survival and arrival are too easy of rhymes. overall I liked the piece though. stuff like this True, I was a wise youth Who grew into a shy dude Ruined my insides the signs An idol who despises you cool overall- the end rhyming, flow and structure were about even imo. so im gonna go on the topic I enjoyed more which was objective. was a little more poignant and had a more powerful message. good work guys thanks for the reads.
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A.bove T.he R.est
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