WEEK 8 MAG: SUCK MY DICK

[UPN Zuch]

WEEK 8 MAG: SUCK MY DICK

NOT WASTING TIME. I should have lost to Wanderer last week. I keyed some bull shit and squeeked the W by a vote. I’m trying to win this week against Tony so let’s just get this show on the road so I can write.

This week we have:

Reviews
Previews
League Top 10 punches
UPN/NC Throwback
Verse of the Week
No Show Heat
Power Rankings

Thank you for your patience this week.


Let’s go...




Week 7 Mag 8 Reviews



*by my beautiful and incredible hard working wife, Mrs. Jamie Zasucha. I’m so proud of you honey.*




*i sucked zuchs dick while writing these reviews, just so you all have a nice visual. it really happened.*


*EVERYONE PLEASE READ THE BEGINNING OF COOP VS JAMIEBABY REVIEW AND BEG ZUCH FOR WHAT I ASKED FOR IN THERE. IT WILL BE A GREAT MAG NEXT WEEK IF WE CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN.*


*I am sorry for the lack of humor and the rushed, late Mag. If anything feels rushed or not as funny as usual, I had an extremely busy week and I didn’t have a lot of time. Everything will be back to normal next week. Thanks for your patience! Now, since I’ve had about four hours of sleep and no food within two weeks I’m going to go snuggle and sex with my man. Jamie and Zuch out for the night.*






featuring Rudge 2. Happy Battle Week Boys!











Zuch (my zuchiebaby honey bunny cinnamon roll lover husband for life and best friend last death and my sex god daddy with the huge beastly dick) vs Wanderer: <3<3<3<3<3 5/5
Was this battle fucking incredible or what??? Wanderer, props to you my dude, you did pretty good at slaying this battle, it’s hard to go up against Zuch. Unbiasedly speaking, he’s very talented and has a way of winning of the crowd with his excellent and amazing writing, but you showed up and gave no mercy. Good for you!!! Matty, you absolutely conquered this fucking battle. I crack my jokes about how your “algorithm” is just a code to get you to champ your own league, but truly speaking it’s your talent. You were born, and destined to write. It’s just your best skill, and I’m so proud of you sweetheart. I will always and forever support you in everything you do, especially writing/Netcees/discord. It’s the best thing to ever happen to you. You both were so talented. It was like wanderer dropped a verse, like t swift with the mic, and then Zuch came in like Kanye and stole the whole ass mic. On to the show ...
Zuch: Wowzers cutie pie!! Rain drop, drop top, you make your girl wet, NONSTOP. Per usual, you blew this out of the park. You wrote this verse how I suck your dick, like a champ with no mercy baby. I love how you never fail to add a little prelim opener before you start every verse, for example: “really quick ...” It’s cocky enough, hilarious, and gives the whole verse a confident start, which is crucial. Opener was bomb per usual, and gave a disturbing but hilarious visual. I don’t love the second bar, because the only train you’ll ever fucking run is the one I hit you with if you ever train another bitch and let her feel your “attrition” you fucking creep. The only attrition you’ll ever be giving, is that fat cock inside me when I yell for you to go harder. But, I did think it was a hilarious and clever bar. Wonderful wordplay, too. Overall, this verse had me rolling on the floor with little Thomas. I was dying, ribs done. I’m sure wanderer even laughed and broke his ribs, they’re so small. You focused primarily on size, which was funny. It didn’t seem repetitive because you took so many different plays/aspects of it, that it only continued to get funnier. 19-29 jeans and SIDS bar were probably my favorite bars of the verse and had me shaking, I was laughing so hard. Shoot a load was HARSH, and fucking KILLED. Most definitely was the line of the verse/week and she’d be lucky to have your load, it’s golden. Closer was hilarious and tied everything together. Baby, you hit this twig hard. You focused on one topic, but it wasn’t repetitive because you took it from so many different angles (that’s what she said.) You had humor throughout, and your wordplay was fire as fuck, on point per usual. Extremely consistent, delivery was on point, with wit throughout. 10/10 verse to me. This was perfect. Couldn’t have said it better than you did, king. Tops off to you, and I’m talking about my real top ;) See you in the bedroom boo.


Wanderer: Good for you bud. You showed up and gave no mercy. I love seeing a hot battle between two talented people, and I especially love when someone goes up against Zuch and actually comes close with him. Props to you, that’s not easy to accomplish. Your opener, in my opinion, was BOMB. I thought it was hilarious that you called Zuch out on champing his own league, and the way you described shifty was witty, funny, clever, and creative. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Losing to blue bar was creatively put, but I’m normally not a fan of those bars. That weeks over with, and I feel like you could’ve used better ammo than who he’s lost to. Bath towel bar was awkward and felt forced, and the wording could’ve been better. That bath towel bar honestly felt like it was thrown in last minute as an extra bar because you needed one more, not your best work. Algae bar wasn’t your best either. You’re an extremely talented writer, and you have a creative mind, your concepts are just weak, or need to be tweaked. You could’ve had some good ammo, but instead you went with weaker concepts. Then, you randomly switched to a harsh threat/gun type of verse in the middle. I’m not a huge fan of those gun/threat bars, I’ve said it before, I love verses full of humor and stabs at one another. Then you bounced right back with HOFers/Searching Archives bar was HARSH HOT FIRE. Made me laugh hard, too. (Zuch spends a lot of time, most of his time, on archives.) Closer has a strong and great concept, but weak and awkward wording. I can tell just from you’re verses, that you’ve got a very creative mind and are a talented writer. Props to you again!!
Overall: Close call, both did great. Zuch’s verse seemed, overall, more experienced with a higher level of wording, wordplay, and creativity. He had a lot of humor, which always takes the W home and I love, plus his delivery was smooth, consistent, and on point. Wanderer did a great job, and came with a lot of funny, harsh bars. I think he only needs a little bit of work with wording, and wordplay. Consistency was 90% of the time on point, for him, work on that as well, and work on not throwing in forced bars. Other than that, you’re just as talented, and you’re very creative. I enjoyed reading both verses. Good job fellas. Tops off to you Zuch, and pat on the back to Wanderer (Zuch would be pissed if I took my top off to you.



Blue vs Resin: <3<3<3<3<3 5/5
This was hot shit. Harsh bars from both gentlemen. Blues wife was clearly with Aero again this week, because he must’ve had a lot time on his hands to throw these fire ass bars down. (RIP Blue and his wife’s relationship.) (RIP Aero.) You both are HOFers and Top Notch writers, it ain’t no fire drill, issa real fire up in this bitch after you two showed. DAMN. Shit was like outta 3D action movie. Ya’ll had my legs tremblin like every time Zuch fucks me with that big manly thing. (Wasn’t sure he was a man until I saw it, he’s a motherfuckin MAN.) Again, sorry Blue on the Aero Mr.Steal your girl but at least you still came with stop drop and roll fire.
Blue: I always love your writing. Your verses are full of talent, and always the way I like them. You stick to straight personals, you never allow room for gun bars. You always mix up your personals and never keep to one topic. You always make things hilarious, and tie in wordplay/relative events. Your wording and delivery is always on point, and you are always consistent as fuck. There’s never an issue when it comes to your verses, except for when they kill a motherfucker. Opener was harsh, already starting off calling res out, I love it. Mulan and To Wong Foo was a killer, had my ribs itchin for more like a damn Dave Chapelle skit. Holy fuck you’re wack bar was badass, and creative. Cash to the bookies was clever and wording was on point the best here. Fly since 09 was a cool concept and it was funny/clever, I think you’re wording was just a tad bit awkward, but it was still delivered well. Closer was perfect, and ended well. Overall your verse was beautiful per usual. Only thing I think you could have done a little better, which may have helped you in the long run, is you could have used better concepts/ammo. You spoke on the gambling issue/being broke, weight issue, and that’s primarily what I got out of the verse. You’re hilarious, so there’s not much for you to work on, but this is one verse that lacked humor on your end. Other than that, claps to you kind sir. You showed up with guns a blazin, even after having your wife stolen.
Resin: You’re a HOFer I hear, so expectation level was HIGH. You hit that level, and beyond. Opener was fire, could’ve been more harsh, but I still loved what you did with it. The beginning of the second bar, headshot got you in a swivel, not my favorite flava. Not one for the gun bars, but the Gigi Bryant tie in was a vibe and made me go for the bar anyways. Newlywed bar had me dying, participation medal was hilarious and definitely clever. In Vitro his wife with had me signing out, almost resigned from my job of doing reviews, I couldn’t take it anymore. Baseball glove was harsh as hell and badass. Full of confidence and pure aero type shit. Your flow is straight fire, and you’re always incorporating pop culture references which is a refreshing and creative take, that I absolutely love. Your verse was full of humor, and solid ass wordplay. Wording and delivery on point, smooth and consistent. This verse was a shoein for the win.
Overall: Tight verses from the both of you, extremely close call. You’re both talented writers. Resin may have had this in his back pocket by a hair. Blue you always bring your A game too, and your verses are always my favorite. I was surprised Resin didn’t have many gun bars, which I loved and he had a lot of references that made me laugh. Wording was a little better, too. You both did amazing though. Congrats boys.



Fraze vs Eviction: <3<3<3 3/5
Two newbies that I’m just being introduced to. I’ve read both of your writing, maybe once, before? Both are talented, I definitely have some pointers where work is needed. You both have your strong suits and your weaker suits. It is refreshing seeing newbies come in the game and kick ass though. Thanks for the great read fellas.
Fraze: I’m going to start off with the weak shit: concepts. You stuck to primarily one or two, and they were very weak. Work on finding out and digging for personals and make that shut harsh, that’s what helps you take home the w. Work on creativity, and wit, and humor, you’ll be golden. Opener was very soft, not much creativity, or punch, which is key to an opener. Lucifer in the garden was way too Sinacog for me, and wasn’t feeling that shit. One Z-Tip could’ve been fire, but it came off like a creepy old man and honestly, I’m kinky as hell, I didn’t find pleasure in it. Overall, verse was okay. I can tell you have a lot of talent, I heard you just came back again. Maybe work on some things. Work on delivery, flow, consistency, CONCEPTS mainly, and wit. You’ll be fine. You did alright, you just need some work. But you’re not horrible my friend.
Eviction: Again, so many opportunities to have a great harsh opener, but this one was somewhat weak. Not feeling it. Breyonna Taylor was a sick concept, but the delivery and wording was awkward and off. The whole verses delivery was off, and the wording is either forced or awkward. Best I got out of this was name etched in stone bar. Again, you’re another purely talented person, just need to get the dirt of your shoulders and blow the dust off of your socks and work on some things and you’ll be fine.
Overall: This battle was a fire you could put out. You guys are both talented, you just came back so work on a couple of things and you’ll be just fine. I’m going to give this one to fraze only for the reason that I felt that his had less misses and his had more quotables that I enjoyed. I really feel bad for you guys though that barely anyone voted, that’s lame. You guys truly are so good and I enjoy your writing, you deserve better than that. Lame ass lazy bitches on this site, don’t let anyone bring you both down. I’ll be both your talent agent/manger. You got this!! Good luck men!!!


Username vs JaysonFresh: <3<3<3<3 4/5
Hi Tony!!! I love doing a fresh ass battle of yours. User, you are bomb. You are funny and pure and your writing is incredible, and like none other. JaysonFresh, you are new to me from this league, but you came and have always stole the show. You have talent my friend. I love a fresh young caterpillar. It’s beautiful. I’m excited to read this battle!!
User: Your writing is always so perfect. I have to be honest though, opener was not my favorite. Maybe I just don’t understand, but I think you could’ve used something better. Other than that, verse was perfect, on point, 12/10. Of course I love baby cries bar. But my favorite of the verse was rapports a bore bar and HBO script bar. Humor in and throughout the entire verse, A+. Flow was smooth, like Zuchs legs when we fuck, yes he shaves them. Delivery was smoother than mine in June, and mine was badass. Verse was tighter than my pussy and ask Zuch, it’s tight as hell, only has seen Zuchs dick, on my sons life. You go Tony! I’m proud of you!!

JaysonFresh: Always have been a fan of your style. You have a fresh writing style and you always come with the guns, minus the gun bars. I’m so happy you joined the league and I was able to be introduced to your writing. Opener just like Users was weak. Could’ve had better ammo. I like a harsh opener, like most people do. Something that starts off cocky as shit like damn this about to be a rough battle. Lost to last week bars are weak, who cares. Not a strong enough punch. Hunger pains was funny. Overall, I think you didn’t bring your normal talent this week that you normally do. I felt a lot of weak bars, bare concepts, not a lot of what you usually bring. Wording was forced and humor was off, barely there.
Overall: I was somewhat disappointed this week. You both are incredible, and yes while your verses were decent this week, they weren’t up to par. They weren’t your standard verses I normally see from you two. They both seemed rushed and careless. I’m going to give this to user for better quotables, a more experienced and consistent verse, and barely any misses. I hope to see more from you both next week, and less rushed. Good job boys.


Dave vs Destroyer: <3<3<3<3$ 4.5/5
I absolutely love you both. Dave, you’ve continuously gotten better since the summer league. Destroyer, I’ve always loved your writing. I will always support both of your writing. You both are fire as hell, and two writers I’d be scared to battle. Love the pic battle, love one that Orc finally isn’t in lol. Good luck to my favorites!!!
Dave: I always have loved your writing, but this week, I felt it was on the lower end of the spectrum. Opener wasn’t what I expected. Giving up writing was a weak concept, especially for an open. Cash’s farm had to have been bar of the verse, loved it. I died because when I gave birth this summer, Matty and I spent the time in the hospital writing for INF and for Cash, and we did a bomb ass Amish verse, so that bar killed me. Egg roll behind was on point. Middle aged depressed rapist topped and trumped the whole verse, I’m done writing reviews for you folks until you pay my medical bills for killin me. Overall, hot verse but could’ve been stronger. Couple of hot ass punches but not as many as I expected. I feel like a lot of people are tired and don’t give a shit this week. Understandably though. Closer was humorous but I hope to see some stronger punches next week.
Destroyer: FINALLY A HOT ASS OPENER. SHIT I GOT BURNS ALL OVER MY BODY NOW. I loved loved loved that opener. Clever, creative and funny you brought your game. Sunglasses/throw shade bar was the best bar of the week, so hilarious and so clever. Ear lobes, return of the Mack, closer, everything. Finally, this is a verse I was looking for. Finally, someone who didn’t show up tired and careless this week and actually came with some strong ass shit. I am truly proud. I support you des!!!! I love this. You should champ for this fire ass verse.
Overall: Easily hands to des. He came with strong punches, zero misses. Clever and funny, consistent and clean. This was the verse I was looking for. This is a verse I would be proud of. From open to close it was fire. Dave, I always look forward to something from you, but you’re not the only one that showed up tired and careless this week. Great job my favorites!


HDVM vs Scout: <3<3<3 3/5
Decent battle, couple of strong hits from both and misses from both. Close battle. Both were able to use some nice personals. Different styles and takes, and got a laugh in both verses.
HDVM: First half of verse was better than the end. Opener wasn’t as strong as I would’ve liked, but you did have a couple of good punches. Scout the landscape was funny, but that was honestly the best I could grab out of the verse in my opinion. Needs work, but you definitely have the talent. You had some nice concepts and personals, but didn’t seem to use them to your advantage. Keep working!
Scout: Mugshot bar and Wolf Tix was the best. Fat jokes were too much because you didn’t hit from different angles on one concept, it just went on and on and on and on. Tight verse, you definitely had nice wording and a decent flow, just a couple of things to work on but you are talented.
Overall: Decent battle, but you both have things to work on. Make your verses more harsh with personals and you’ll steal the show. Handing this to Scout for more quotables.



Coop vs Jamiebaby (me: the cutest princess queen of all time.) : <3<3<3$ 3.5/5
This was a solid battle, no Jamiebaby is not me, unfortunately. But I love writing and would love to show you guys my verses, I’ve been practicing in secret. If you guys can convince Zuch, I will drop my own verse in the Mag next week!!! Both new writers to me, great job guys.
Coop: I loved your writing. It was humorous with a clean flow. Opener was great, harsh with strong punches and rhymed like a motherfucker. Loved it!!! Broke as a car, Trump me, Flintstones, and Zuch’s bitch were amazing!!!! I was dying the entire time, and the way you rhyme is out of this world. Your verse was extremely consistent and clean, damn. I’m impressed. You’re now on my list of favorites.
Jamiebaby: I wasn’t as impressed but you definitely have talent and deserve some praise. Opener was harsh and I liked it, confident and cocky, key to a good verse. League of their own was humorous, a couple of misses in the middle. Overall, decent verse.
Overall: I was more impressed with coop with the level of consistency, rhyme, wordplay and humor from a newbie to me. You both are impressive and did great.

Spaz vs Mac: <3<3<3<3 4/5
Spaz, you have consistently gotten better since you first signed into the league. Mac, you’ve been on fire since you started and Zuch is a big fan as well. Excited to see what you bring to the table.
Spaz: Noooo. Dead the gun bars please. You had them dead for awhile and I loved your writing better. At least for gun bars they were still decent. Yes, flow and wording was great but the concepts were weak and not my fave and the verse was not my sip of tea. Decent writing for someone else’s flavor, but not my type of game. Still talented though.
Mac: love the personals and the humor, that’s what kills the game. Opener was bomb, shot him right up without using a gay ass gun bar. Closer had me screaming for help, amazing. Hot writer man, you’re always on fire.
Overall: win to Mac for the personals, humor and a clean verse. For killing spaz without a gun bar. Good job!!

Frac vs Aero: <3<3<3<3
Hi Aero, your comment on the mag last week had me weeping, it was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Matt got worried you were going to steal me and called you a creep, but I told him he better step his game up. Frac, nice to see you show up to not one, but two battles. Finally getting your shit in order and priorities straight, I’m proud of you.
Frac: Scene had me dying. Funny as all hell opener and verse, loved it. Whole verse was on fire. Creep bar at the beginning had me dead, borat, pig tails, closer, everything was on point. I’m glad you finally fucking signed in. You’re talented as all hell, time you show it off. You killed the fucking game.
Aero: Scene always kills me as well. Your verses always tell a story and are funny, which is a refreshing interesting take and combo. Opener perfect. Wife jokes funny, everything about this verse hit hard.
Overall: way too close to call. You both had the scene thing going for you, humor, clean and consistent. Both blew it out of the park, keep coming and showing up.



Ajax vs Ahriman: <3<3<3<3 4/5
Ajax is an incredible writer, glad you signed in and came from UPN. Ahriman I’m new to, so still learning.
Ajax: Concepts were strong, and punches hit. Wording could’ve been played better but everything hit pretty hard. Decent verse, humor and intelligence throughout. Clean and consistent. Pull rank had to have been best. Always love reading yours.
Ahriman: Couldn’t make much sense of your verse. Needs work on delivery, wording, consistency, and concepts. I could see your effort but didn’t have a favorite punch.
Overall: Ajax. Cheers!





No Show Heat

INF VS Mod of War


No, but look

You'd need FDR's help diggin up gunbars to source better..
Now that every Scrap Drives ya to recycle old metal, that's a War Effort
At best, its the SAME flip each verse. Bro u've really been witless..
We can search the board & pinpoint lines to different clips like conspiracy theorists
Reachup. this Amphibious creatures lip got me to think son
Normandy Landing; cuz as evolution goes his Ladder STOPPED at the beachfront
Erase this waste of time & space, call a nuke to this faggot
Make the site stain free how I put em on the spot to get removed from the fabric
NBL mag represents you-Zuch & me -Jamie down to pics
Cuz league-wise.. my futures brighter ahead while you just look 'out of it'



Adverse vs Kuality

I’m sick of your shit, patience gone all I got for dude’s hands
Blow after blow, u ain’t seen somebody give Foreigner this many hits since Lou Gramm
Met your bitch at the hotel, chopped it up, deepthroat had my balls on her chin
Living out a suitcase for me, that’s the same thing they’ll find Kuality Inn
For NC’s Borat I’m strapped, TRUST the toolies always on me
One slip n I got ‘arms coming out the waistband’ faster than Rudy Giuliani
Brokenhal0, Mac, Sharp NS...hate to feed the narrative from the reader’s perception
But I ain’t seen a Kuality win all season, and this week won’t be an exception
I got tons of Automatic weapons man Kual gettin eat up
His wig going wayyyy back when I put that M on his forehead- that’s Majin Vegeta
I put the K in Kuality...with headshots, I empty the whole clip from this ratchet
YOU put the K in Kuality...but that’s because you’re an illiterate faggot



UPN vs NC Throwbacks

Alvin Karpis VS Joe Metts

Deep down you’re soft, there’s no way you’re winning this shit
I bet the voices in your head sound like an out of breath veritas mimicking vic
I pitty this bitch, 1 punch will leave ya face lookin black and blue
You’ll tell everybody you Cottonelle & how I wiped my ass with you
You’re a pussy ginger and your whole style is gay
Now it makes sense how Masaii can smell you from a mile away
Been battling on the net for years & I’ll be honest you’re wack
Joe Webb legacy faded fast so no wonder Christian ponder is back
Dohpe this dohpe that, with votes you always needed a crutch
Deon told joe he’s fat and he’s like ‘tu che De’, nah really you’re sneaky as fuck
You’re like 300lbs of no talent and I’m sick of your pictures
I bet you chant Candyman 3x in the mirror hoping for a twix or a snickers
Joes has zero game, I don’t embellish we can tell he hurts
How the fuck you gonna borrow my jersey & have it looking like a belly shirt?
You’re a soft coward, overhyped, reps gone and lost power
Don’t think you can take netcees by Storm cuz he clowned you off prowlers
& stop riding richard corey and butler, you claim they’re the best right?
Faggot the way you love butt and dick I’m starting to question ya sex life
You have that b-more pride and you’re makin it known
You’re gay and a clone, just another Raven coming out thanks to Simone


Turnstiles VS Aloe, PBA 3


8 mile?

this wigga's far from Rabbit, so why you gay's shakin
i'm facin the thugged out hip hop version of Clay Aiken
or another rodent, see it aint wrong to accept
that Aloes face look like he share moms with adept
i'ma freak of nature, my rhymes wail on Phorce's flows
u only hunched cuz ya spine too frail to support ya nose
we might diss Ebro's whiteness and the fact the tyke's so light
but u Pale in comparison, n u the same weight at twice the height
you seem sickly kid, i stay wastin the best of ya
while 'Loe lookin like an aids patient with anorexia
so diss my puffed cheeks, my stub chin, my blackness or thick lips
cuz your face replaced all four with a pink strip of lipstick
in a hoodie n beanie tryin to blend in with the blacks n browns
front's supposed to say NIKE but ya pin head made it wrap around
born the first seed, your rank wasn't earned overnight
cause the 1 look like aloe standin up turned to his right
we pistons n pacers, i drop screens at angles to break backs
u look like a white reggie miller with rip hamilton's face mask
i got superpowers, i peep ya bones yet the rest lay hidden
or does everyone else see thru ya sweats like x-ray vision?



Verse of the week

Ajax VS Ahriman

I get it. I’m scary to most…
You should have scrapped that WHOLE verse; Not just the two lines you were too embarrassed to post.
Your entire drop was a shank. Put your loss in the bank….
This peasant’s not a ‘stone’s throw from power.’ He’s tossing rocks at a tank.
I pull rank with legends. It’s true…
You only ‘pull rank’ when you fall in love with busted strippers that pretend to dig you.
I beat down street urchins like.. Shit. I got nothin’ better to do…
Son… your family’s broken-down camel spits better than you.
Every drop of mine brings impossible violence…
I’m the peak of evolution. You stopped at the Galapagos Islands.
Your name’s ironic… So, you don’t dare disparage;
You’re a less ‘destructive spirit’ than the one your Dad drank to kill your parents’ marriage.
I roll solo; you can’t attack with an army….
The judges will ‘hit the Belfast’ in this battle harder than an Irish bachelor party.



Top 10 Punches by Zuch



10. Every drop of mine brings impossible violence…
I’m the peak of evolution. You stopped at the Galapagos Islands. - Ajax vs Ahriman

9. I get it. I’m scary to most…
You should have scrapped that WHOLE verse; Not just the two lines you were too embarrassed to post. - Ajax vs Ahriman

8. He no killer. Any trigger squeeze is rumored
U went to an all white school.. Even then u were least likely to be the shooter - Fracture vs Aero

7. My niggas Rollin 60 Crip & imbeded in the streets..
If you rollin 60 its like Zuch vs Blue except no1s EVER gonna read.. - Deon vs Scout

6. Bet the thought of my shank inside your skull is pretty stressful..
Blade swarming. Mormon skateboarding..I'll shove-It in ya temple - Scout vs Deon

5. Average for five years, is it any wonder the kids despise him?
Twenty bright ideas over his head and every one is to give up writing - Dave vs Destroyer

4. Blah blah blah this cat’s the worst
I got pink eye too... from all that ass in ur verse - Destroyer vs Dave

3. I been fucking your aunt, and I’m diggin’ her thunder thighs
We had a 3 way, nutted, and I left some kids on your mother's side - UserName vs Jayfresh

2. what the hell Zuch? i wanted someone nuanced dude..
not a mixture of Mulan & To Wong Foo, set to star in Moulan Rouge - Blue vs Resin

1. Gun bars, girls, cadence, flow.. aint nothing here u can part with..
Dawn of the Dead.. you just got eaten alive in every fuckin Department - Resin vs Blue


Power Rankings

1. Resin MIC 4-1

2. Blue Bayou 6-1

3. Zuch 6-1

4. Orc 5-0

5. Scout 3-0

6. Culture 3-0

7. Destroyer 5-2

8. Dave 4-3

9. Fracture 2-1

10. Wanderer 4-3




Battle Previews by Tony


AYYYYYYYE ITS USER AKA THE FAT SCIENTIST, AKA THE CRISCO KID, AKA YO PASS THE GRAVY, AKA THE DINNER DON DADA, AKA SOUNDCLOUD RAPPERS SOUND WAY BETTER WHEN YOU’RE SHITFACED. I’M BACK AGAIN ON PREVIEW DUTY BECAUSE ZUCH STOPPED CARING ENOUGH TO DO THIS HIMSELF BACK IN LIKE WEEK 4. IF WE’RE BEING 700% HONEST, JAMIE’S REALLY THE ONLY THING KEEPING THESE MAGS TOGETHER, POSSIBLY THE ENTIRE LEAGUE ITSELF. GOD BLESS YOU, MA. FIRST THING’S FIRST, HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY FELLOW FATTIES AND EVEN YOU DAD-BOD, USED-TO-BE-CHISELED-BUT-NOW-LOOK-LIKE-DRIED-DOG-SHIT, SIZE-38-LEVI’S-RELAXED-FIT-WEARING LOSERS. FUCK THE SKINNY PEOPLE THOUGH, THIS ISN’T YOUR HOLIDAY. LET’S DIVE RIGHT INTO IT, BECAUSE I GOT FAMILY TO FACETIME AND THIS EDIBLE ISN’T GONNA CHEW ITSELF…

Eviction 1-2 VS Sinacog 2-4
OH JOY ANOTHER SINACOG BATTLE, I CAN’T WAIT TO NOT READ THIS AND VOTING FOR EVICTION STRICTLY OFF OF MY INCREDIBLE BIAS. I WANTED TO GET THIS PREDICTION OUT OF THE WAY FIRST BECAUSE HONESTLY I HATE THAT I EVEN HAVE TO WRITE THIS SHIT EVERY WEEK ABOUT THIS SAME FUCKING GUY. SINACOG, YOUR VERSES ARE 16 LINES OF SHREDDABLE PACKING MATERIAL COSPLAYING AS A BATTLE VERSE. GET FUCKED MY GUY, I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR SEMEN-FOAM TOPPED CHAI LATTE.

PREDICTION – EVICTION, BY A MOTHERFUCKING LANDSLIDE

Adverse 4-3 VS Wanderer 4-3
I SWEAR THESE GUYS BATTLE LIKE 8 TIMES A YEAR. MAYBE I’M WRONG, BUT THIS MATCH-UP IS GIVING ME CRAZY DÉJÀ VU VIBES. WANDERER PROBABLY HAS A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER AFTER LIKE 4 PEOPLE VOTED ON HIS MATCH LAST WEEK. ADVERSE IS ABOVE .500 AND SWINGING HIS DICK LIKE A BOSS LATELY AND SCARED KUALITY OUT OF EVEN SHOWING UP LAST WEEK. I’M PRETTY TORN ON WHO TO PICK BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE WANDERER HAS A HIGHER CEILING, BUT ADVERSE HAS A HIGHER FLOOR. I’M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB AND GO WITH WANDERER IN A RELATIVELY CLOSE MATCH. I THINK THIS SHIT IS ALREADY UP THOUGH, SO WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT I THINK?

PREDICTION – WANDERER

Scout 3-0 VS Ajax 3-1 CONTENDER MATCH
BARCSCOUTIC IS STILL GODZILLA’ING HIS WAY THROUGH THE LEAGUE, OFF TO AN IMPRESSIVE 3-0 START. IDK HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY SHOWN UP, BUT IM SURE THE VERSES WERE ALL EQUALLY SMOOTH. AJAX AKA THE RAINMAKER IS SWINGING HIS TRADEMARK SALVATORE FERRAGAMO BRIEFCASE WITH THE UTMOST (ALBEIT WHITEST) SWAGGER EVER THOUGH, I ALWAYS ENJOY READING AT LEAST 3 OF THE LINES IN HIS VERSES. IM GONNA SIDE WITH THE O.G. HERE AND ROLL WITH AJAX. I THINK THIS SHIT IS UP TOO THOUGH, OR MAYBE JUST BARCSCOUTICS VERSE IS UP, I HONESTLY HAVEN’T LOOKED.

PREDICTION – AJAX

Resin MIC 4-1 VS Destroyer 5-2 CHAMP MATCH
GAMBLING ADDICTION VS. OLD AGE. UNCUT GEMS VS. GRUMPY OLD MEN. RESIN ALREADY DROPPED A WHOLE STACK BETTING ON HIMSELF TO WIN, I GUARANTEE IT. HE PROBABLY ALSO RAN THROUGH AN ENTIRE PAYCHECK DOING THE PROP BETS LIKE “DES SAYS ASIAN IN HIS VERSE” OR “RESIN BUTCHERS A SETUP.” IM ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE HE’S GOT HIS WHOLE (VERY) EXTENDED FAMILY BUYING SQUARES FOR THIS CHAMP MATCH POOL, OF WHICH HE ALSO PURCHASED 8 SQUARES FOR HIMSELF. DES LOOKS LIKE A FOOT WITH GOUT LATELY, SO IF HE SAYS HE WANTS TO DO PICS AGAIN, RESIN SAY YES.

PREDICTION – RESIN

Brokenhal0 2-4 VS Coop 0-1
I PERSONALLY CHALLENGE ANYONE TO FIND ME A FUNNIER VERSE THAN BROKENHALO’S VERSE THIS WEEK. I DON’T CARE IF THIS IS A PREDICTION SECTION, I ALREADY READ THAT SHIT AND IT WAS 37 FIRE EMOJI’S AND ONE EGGPLANT AND A SPLASH. AND A WINK. THE SMELLY FEET LINE IS LIGHTYEARS AHEAD OF HOW WE’RE WRITING TODAY AND ONLY TRUE ICONS LIKE MYSELF CAN UNDERSTAND THE LEVEL HE’S WRITING ON. COOP IS AIGHT, LOT OF FLAT MATERIAL WITH SOME CLEVER CONCEPTS THOUGH. THIS COULD GO EITHER WAY BUT IM GONNA BE A DICKHEAD ALL THE WAY AND PREDICT HALO

PREDICTION – BROKENHALO

Dave 4-3 VS INF 4-3
4-3 RECORD SHOWDOWWWWWWWWWN. DAVE YOU’RE IN A SLUMP BRO, AND YOU AREN’T GIVING OFF THE SAME ENERGY AS YOU ONCE DID. YOU’RE TOO LACKADAISACAL NOW. ITS TIME TO UNLEASH “DAVID”. EVERYONE THINKS THEY KNOW A DAVE, ITS INFORMAL AND WELCOMING. BUT DAVID? DAVID IS A FUCKING SAVAGE. DAVID STEPS ON YOUR SNEAKS AND DOESN’T SAY SORRY. DAVID FINGERS BRIDESMAIDS ON THE HOTEL ELEVATOR WHILE ALSO BEING THE GROOM. BIG METRIC SYSTEM DICK ENERGY BRO. BE DAVID. TAKE INF DOWN. SHOW HIM WHAT ITS LIKE IN THOSE NORTH WORCESTERSHIREHAM STREETS (OR WHEREVER YOURE FROM). AFTER THIS PEP TALK I GOT DAVID WINING BY A KILOMETER.

PREDICTION – DAVID

Mac 3-3 VS Spree 2-2
MAC YOUR VERSES USED TO INSPIRE ME. I USED TO STARE INTO THE WORDS LIKE A REFLECTION POOL AND SEE THE BEST PARTS OF MYSELF AND THE TEXT GAME AS A WHOLE. THAT IS NOT THE CASE ANYMORE, BUT I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES. SPREE, YOU GOT THAT EFFECTIVE WRITING STYLE THAT SCREAMS 2004, WHEN PEOPLE STILL USED EXCLAMATION POINTS IN THEIR SETUPS, BUT IT WORKS FOR YOU AND THAT’S OK. THIS IS A TOUGH CALL. IF SPREE SHOWS UP AND DOESN’T BLOW DOWN HARD AFTER HIS TURKEY AND LOBSTER COMBO MEAL, I THINK HE MIGHT TAKE THIS.

PREDICTION – SPREE

Jayfresh 3-3 VS iSpaz 3-3
I LIKE BOTH OF THESE GUYS SO IM NOT GONNA CLOWN LIKE I USUALLY WOULD PLUS THIS EDIBLE HAS FLAT OUT OFFICIALLY KICKED IN AND MY GIVE A FUCK LEVEL HAS DROPPED SIGNIFICANTLY. JAY AND I’S BATTLE LAST WEEK WAS PRETTY LACKLUSTER ON BOTH OUR ENDS, BUT HE’S DOPE DON’T GET IT TWISTED. SPAZ DEFINITELY HAS SKILL AND HE ACTUALLY TAKES CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM WELL, WHICH IS BOTH UNEXPECTED AND WELCOMED. AIGHT ENOUGH DICK SUCKING, I GOT JAY IN A COOL LITTLE BATTLE.

PREDICTION – JAYFRESH

Fracture 2-1 VS Hotdogvendorman 2-1
FRACTURE BEEN ON A TEAR EVER SINCE HE STARTED TAKING TEXT SERIOUSLY AGAIN, AND THIS WEEK HE GETS AN OPPONENT WHOS KNOWN FOR DROPPING SOME DOPE SHIT OF THEIR OWN. DEON (IM CALLING YOU DEON BECAUSE IM NOT CALLING YOU HOTDOGVENDORMAN, IT WAS COOL IN 2006 WHEN I FIRST TALKED TO YOU BUT NOW IT KINDA LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE PICK YOUR OWN RAP NAME MEMES PEOPLE POST ON FACEBOOK WHERE THE COMBO IS THE LAST FOOD YOU ATE, YOUR GRANDMOTHERS MAIDEN NAME AND THE COLOR OF THE SHIRT YOURE WEARING) IS A GUY IVE KNOWN FOR A LONG ASS TIME AND USED TO TALK TO AND CREW UP WITH FOR A BIT BACK IN THE DAY SO I ALWAYS RESPECT THE WORK HE PUTS OUT. I THINK IF DEON COMES FULL POTENTIAL LEVEL HERE, THIS COULD BE A FUN (AND FUNNY) ASS BATTLE SO IM JUST GONNA SAY THE CULTURE WINS AND LEAVE IT AT THAT.

PREDICTION – THE CULTURE (NOT CULTURE WHO BEAT ME LOL FUCK YOU RED ANGRYFACE EMOJI)

Fraze 1-1 VS FGR 1-1
DEEMING THIS THE BATTLE OF THE F’S. BOTH GUYS NAMES START WITH F, I MEAN. NOT SAYING YOU’RE SKILL LEVEL IS AN F OR ANYTHING. LOL THAT’D BE FUNNY THOUGH. FRAZE HAS SOME COOL MATERIAL, I THINK IVE SAID THIS LAST WEEK AS WELL, HE’S A GOOD WRITER, AND A PRETTY AWESOME VOTER. HIS ONLY LOSS IS TO FRACTURE SO I CANT FAULT HIM THERE. FGR IS DOPE, AND I GUARANTEE THERE’S A GUNBAR OR 10 IN HIS VERSE. RESPECT ALL AROUND HERE, THIS COULD BE CLOSE, BUT BASED ON ME READING MORE OF HIS MATERIAL, IM GOING WITH FGR

PREDICTION – THE LETTER F

Zuch 6-1 VS UserName 4-2
WACK BATTLE, NOBODY READ THIS

Maximus 0-1 VS Universe 1-4
THE GOD HAS RETURNED! UNIVERSE MAKES HIS LONG AWAITED MONTHLY CAMEO APPEARANCE INTO THE NBL, ROCKING THE ABSOLUTE WORST RECORD IN THE LEAGUE. MY GUY, SINACOG HAS 2 WINS. WHAT THE FUCK. UNIVERSE I LOVE YOU BUT YOU HAVE TO STAY IN THE LEAGUE AND NOT GET LESS WINS THAN SINACOG. EVEN IF YOU’RE NOSHOWING, JUST STAY IN. I’LL WRITE THE VERSE FOR YOU. WE CAN’T LET THIS GO DOWN LIKE THIS BRO. MAXIMUS I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE, IF IVE READ YOUR VERSE BEFORE AND IM LYING, IM SORRY, IM REALLY FEELING THE MILIGRAMS OF THIS EDIBLE RIGHT NOW SO JUST IGNORE ME. HOW ARE YOU?

PREDICTION - UNIVERSE





Outro



Yo we out. That’s it. That’s all we got. Thanks for reading.




Zuch