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#7 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,752
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446146 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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Clutbuck, i liked the simple narrative of your verse, it wasn't a super compelx world bending topical, it was just a simple tale but i think it was told well. And i liked how everything came full circle in the end ans kind of wrapped it up neatly with a bow.
Objective - I like your writing man but i think aometimes it is overstuffed. You fit so much into one line and sometimes it's unfathomable, it starts bursting at the seams. It all starts blending together and i think the narrative you're trying to tell loses its way at times, i think the sporadic nature of your verses pays off in some cases, but i don't think it did here. That's just my opinion, i did like your topic though and like Scar said you had some amazing one liners but as an interwoven topical i don't think it worked well. V/Clutbuck |
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