Week 3: Clutbuck vs objective- CLUT WINS

Universe · 04-09-2020, 05:18 AM

Ugh. Not a fan of either verse to be honest. Let's delve deeper.

Clutbuck - I don't know what made you think telling a story about a fisherman and his "work/life balance" was a good idea but I just couldnt get into it. This was clearly an overpopulation topic, and there was a good opportunity to tell a unique story here about what would occur (on a small scale, no pun intended) if we simply ran outta room on the planet. The options were limitless. This approach, Clutbuck aka Lars aka my old friend, seemed way too forced. The dialogue had some decent moments but I was expecting a punchline that, quite frankly, never came. You added some cool alliteration again but you should've done more with that like last week's verse. That could be your whole Clutbuck alias gimmick in the future. Its unique, and if you can harness it and perfect it, its gonna make you stand out. As it stands now, you're just one of those people on the scale... lost in the shuffle. Find your voice.

Objective - At least you headed in the right direction topic-wise lol. I liked how you started things out and thought "this is promising".. but for me it quickly evaporated into a sea of juxtaposition and filler. I mean by the end you were talking about Orwell and Jojo memes. You need to remember topicals are about telling a story... no more, no less. You are being much too grandiose here. Pick something simple based on your topic and focus on it, dissect it, and let us into your world. (But make it more interesting than a convo with a fisherman lol) ... which you did I guess...in a way...

This just comes down to personal preference... I read both verses twice. I would've gave it to Clut if he hit us with a cool punchline at the end but nothing happened and it just seemed weirdly off topic to me, so...

Vote - Objective (by a gnarly cunt hair)

04-09-2020, 05:18 AM	#5
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178707	Ugh. Not a fan of either verse to be honest. Let's delve deeper. Clutbuck - I don't know what made you think telling a story about a fisherman and his "work/life balance" was a good idea but I just couldnt get into it. This was clearly an overpopulation topic, and there was a good opportunity to tell a unique story here about what would occur (on a small scale, no pun intended) if we simply ran outta room on the planet. The options were limitless. This approach, Clutbuck aka Lars aka my old friend, seemed way too forced. The dialogue had some decent moments but I was expecting a punchline that, quite frankly, never came. You added some cool alliteration again but you should've done more with that like last week's verse. That could be your whole Clutbuck alias gimmick in the future. Its unique, and if you can harness it and perfect it, its gonna make you stand out. As it stands now, you're just one of those people on the scale... lost in the shuffle. Find your voice. Objective - At least you headed in the right direction topic-wise lol. I liked how you started things out and thought "this is promising".. but for me it quickly evaporated into a sea of juxtaposition and filler. I mean by the end you were talking about Orwell and Jojo memes. You need to remember topicals are about telling a story... no more, no less. You are being much too grandiose here. Pick something simple based on your topic and focus on it, dissect it, and let us into your world. (But make it more interesting than a convo with a fisherman lol) ... which you did I guess...in a way... This just comes down to personal preference... I read both verses twice. I would've gave it to Clut if he hit us with a cool punchline at the end but nothing happened and it just seemed weirdly off topic to me, so... Vote - Objective (by a gnarly cunt hair) __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..