First S&G-flow verse ever, feedback is highly appreciated.

Zen · 05-17-2013, 02:50 PM

After just reading your AOWL verse this week and really enjoying it I decided to peep this and see if this was good, and it was. I still felt that the syllable count could have been cleaned up in a few spots, or simply just remove one word from a line and it'd work better for me.
Fuckin' sisters after it's done on some; ''That's what's happenin' son!''
Aint no lackin' in fun; I make city rats pity gats go backpackin' and run,
^^My favorite two lines in this piece. They made me lol and I have no idea why.
Great work here man. Keep droppin in the OM.

05-17-2013, 02:50 PM	#5
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	After just reading your AOWL verse this week and really enjoying it I decided to peep this and see if this was good, and it was. I still felt that the syllable count could have been cleaned up in a few spots, or simply just remove one word from a line and it'd work better for me. Fuckin' sisters after it's done on some; ''That's what's happenin' son!'' Aint no lackin' in fun; I make city rats pity gats go backpackin' and run, ^^My favorite two lines in this piece. They made me lol and I have no idea why. Great work here man. Keep droppin in the OM.