A letter to home (AOWL NS)

Pinot Grij · 03-21-2016, 04:12 PM

Yo, I was extremely impressed by this verse. The flow was buttery and the transition between rhymes was natural. The story flowed as well. There were some hiccups with a few rhyme choice options that were a little weird, but overall the readability of the lilting flow kinda overshadowed those flaws.

A couple spots that were hiccups for me - "broken and shit", not really the kinda stuff you'd find in a love letter.

"I've mentioned you to a friend or two." - that's dope.
"Honestly, I haven't really started to move in because I left my heart there with you, Lynn." - dope.
"She's both tough and romantic. A hub for the frantic." - dope

The closing paragraph was appropriately romantic and emotional. Nice details in there and it was very nice that the signoff fit the scheme as well. You also immersed your piece in the period, which is always hard to do.

Overall, a very smooth and fun read.

03-21-2016, 04:12 PM	#3
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195064	Yo, I was extremely impressed by this verse. The flow was buttery and the transition between rhymes was natural. The story flowed as well. There were some hiccups with a few rhyme choice options that were a little weird, but overall the readability of the lilting flow kinda overshadowed those flaws. A couple spots that were hiccups for me - "broken and shit", not really the kinda stuff you'd find in a love letter. "I've mentioned you to a friend or two." - that's dope. "Honestly, I haven't really started to move in because I left my heart there with you, Lynn." - dope. "She's both tough and romantic. A hub for the frantic." - dope The closing paragraph was appropriately romantic and emotional. Nice details in there and it was very nice that the signoff fit the scheme as well. You also immersed your piece in the period, which is always hard to do. Overall, a very smooth and fun read. __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.