A letter to home (AOWL NS)

Pharaohs Army · 03-21-2016, 01:35 PM

very impressive rhyming
nice
dare i say dope. yeah dope

The half-smile for me alone.
i like this phrase, concisely shows a bond

here is my one critique
This past while I can't see it, though. Even so; I miss your feel and hold and how no matter where we are your feet are cold.
There is something about this structurally that makes it less smooth than the rest of the piece. Yes, even when re-read or slowed/sped. Upon further examination I'd suggest a comma or period after the word "hold", but that is just my personal opinion.
Also not sure what the first sentence means "The past while i can't see it, though"

Tone-wise I think you successfully portrayed what you were going for
Can feel Tim's connection with (and longing for) Lynn

*Edit: I don't like my suggestion about the comma anymore. That doesn't work- splits it too much. Was tricky line for text but I've got it now.
iLove to rap this bruh, thanks

03-21-2016, 01:35 PM	#2
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	very impressive rhyming nice dare i say dope. yeah dope The half-smile for me alone. i like this phrase, concisely shows a bond here is my one critique This past while I can't see it, though. Even so; I miss your feel and hold and how no matter where we are your feet are cold. There is something about this structurally that makes it less smooth than the rest of the piece. Yes, even when re-read or slowed/sped. Upon further examination I'd suggest a comma or period after the word "hold", but that is just my personal opinion. Also not sure what the first sentence means "The past while i can't see it, though" Tone-wise I think you successfully portrayed what you were going for Can feel Tim's connection with (and longing for) Lynn Edit: I don't like my suggestion about the comma anymore. That doesn't work- splits it too much. Was tricky line for text but I've got it now. iLove to rap this bruh, thanks Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 03-21-2016 at 02:08 PM. Reason: