Week 2: Frank vs. Mr. J (FRANK WINS SHUTOUT 8-0)

UnbornBuddha · 03-14-2016, 08:11 PM

Mr J: First I'll start by quoting my favorite couplet
"with each year that passed he despised the simplistic nature
Now he only mingled with government officials & linguistic majors"

Next, I will say that everything flowed well and to me connected. However, nothing ever really happened, which was the point. The man was tired and reflecting, and at the end was happy he could rest and so on. The depiction was good, but the action portrait was kind of dull. Now, it's not because of what you actually depicted, mostly because there was a sense of spirit missing in the piece. You commented on another thread that you hated your topic, well it shows. You seemed tired while writing it, and the outcome and choice of words reflect it. Now, conveying your state of mind to the reader is quite good, but when opposing Frank, someone who writes very colorful, the contrast is apparent.

Frank: Very well done Frank. Now there were some tad blunders I found in the wording, also the actual dialogue while it captured the essence, it seems dialogue is your weakness. But, perhaps I'm wrong. Imagery and depicting a scene is where your strong foot lies. The reason I say this is because some other pieces I've read of yours display some questionable dialogue. You are good at capturing the voice, but the actual stream of words have a clunkiness and unnaturalness to them. Anyhow, I grew up in Chicago, so scenarios like these are quite ordinary. Yet, even though their common, they are tragic nonetheless.

Vote: Frank

03-14-2016, 08:11 PM	#10
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	Mr J: First I'll start by quoting my favorite couplet "with each year that passed he despised the simplistic nature Now he only mingled with government officials & linguistic majors" Next, I will say that everything flowed well and to me connected. However, nothing ever really happened, which was the point. The man was tired and reflecting, and at the end was happy he could rest and so on. The depiction was good, but the action portrait was kind of dull. Now, it's not because of what you actually depicted, mostly because there was a sense of spirit missing in the piece. You commented on another thread that you hated your topic, well it shows. You seemed tired while writing it, and the outcome and choice of words reflect it. Now, conveying your state of mind to the reader is quite good, but when opposing Frank, someone who writes very colorful, the contrast is apparent. Frank: Very well done Frank. Now there were some tad blunders I found in the wording, also the actual dialogue while it captured the essence, it seems dialogue is your weakness. But, perhaps I'm wrong. Imagery and depicting a scene is where your strong foot lies. The reason I say this is because some other pieces I've read of yours display some questionable dialogue. You are good at capturing the voice, but the actual stream of words have a clunkiness and unnaturalness to them. Anyhow, I grew up in Chicago, so scenarios like these are quite ordinary. Yet, even though their common, they are tragic nonetheless. Vote: Frank