Vulgar vs Adonis OPEN FOR FLOATS

slech · 01-17-2016, 10:48 PM

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"Cristobal Wasn't Her Name"

Sucked into your personal space
I became an accidental pilot
of your cloudy visions
spinning the turbines which fanned our hearts

---This was real nice imagery---
Is it true that fairy tales only happen
to the unaware, those who took it for granted?
who don't know better yet bathe
in the moist pebbles of excellence
and rest firmly between paperweights
---Allright solid here--
made of the ruthless gushing wells of fortune
I cannot understand the intangible governance
that characterizes human affection
--Nice, Intangible Governance that characterizes human affection--
I cannot quantify loyalty
or fill a bottle with a potion or a laxative
to contain or promote fidelity
--Wooo, Ok ok, I like this---
Only high country or family ties
seem to guarantee that pureness in its own right
The old motto that men are from Mars
and women are from Venus
was disproved by your worldly gaze
Starmaker's seer's globes
A wondrous orrery built at a moment's whim
---Nice wordplay here---
but which could collapse in an afterthought
Spontaneous eruption like Heartsong
the cold expectancy of primate's devotion
the exchange of ideas, fluids, decimal places
to the seconds that trace us
into sand crystals we'd rather smoke
than lose to the wind
I'd rather take a drought
from the painted cigar of lust
than navigate through vapor rings
just to take a second drink
----Allright wasn't a fan of the ending but over all, enjoyable piece---

vs.

Our relationship has run ashore
You might have steered clear of smoke signals
Narrowly missing the loading dock
But you failed to notice the twinkles spark
My eyes were your hidden treasure
X marks the spot
---okay okay, solid-
Your heart engulfed mine,
Tangling, strangling
Early on we spent each waning moment
Each wanting more
Needing the others time and soul
We combined, eventually two halves becoming whole
-Decent wording, not too complex but simple. Short and sweet-
This barren girl playing vitriol
You watered and provided the light of sun
Giving every opportunity to provide for one
But he'd never come
And we've careened our being
Emptied lungs – Spitefully flung
Each night we'd fight – Each day made numb
-allright, not bad here-
And now were left within this rift
Talking stern on a sinking ship
Unknowingly adding water while spewing spit
I'm sorry I wasn't good enough my captain
Let's capsize our demon captives
Drown to the depths with the dream we calloused
-cool ending-

overall mvgt to vulgar here. a bit more emotion and writing polish.

01-17-2016, 10:48 PM	#14
slech > Join Date: Nov 2015 Posts: 150 Battle Record: 1-3 Rep Power: 3807832	[IMG]http://eventcateringhouston.com/media/catalog/product/***he/2/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/s/o/soda-float.png[/IMG] "Cristobal Wasn't Her Name" Sucked into your personal space I became an accidental pilot of your cloudy visions spinning the turbines which fanned our hearts ---This was real nice imagery--- Is it true that fairy tales only happen to the unaware, those who took it for granted? who don't know better yet bathe in the moist pebbles of excellence and rest firmly between paperweights ---Allright solid here-- made of the ruthless gushing wells of fortune I cannot understand the intangible governance that characterizes human affection --Nice, Intangible Governance that characterizes human affection-- I cannot quantify loyalty or fill a bottle with a potion or a laxative to contain or promote fidelity --Wooo, Ok ok, I like this--- Only high country or family ties seem to guarantee that pureness in its own right The old motto that men are from Mars and women are from Venus was disproved by your worldly gaze Starmaker's seer's globes A wondrous orrery built at a moment's whim ---Nice wordplay here--- but which could collapse in an afterthought Spontaneous eruption like Heartsong the cold expectancy of primate's devotion the exchange of ideas, fluids, decimal places to the seconds that trace us into sand crystals we'd rather smoke than lose to the wind I'd rather take a drought from the painted cigar of lust than navigate through vapor rings just to take a second drink ----Allright wasn't a fan of the ending but over all, enjoyable piece--- vs. Our relationship has run ashore You might have steered clear of smoke signals Narrowly missing the loading dock But you failed to notice the twinkles spark My eyes were your hidden treasure X marks the spot ---okay okay, solid- Your heart engulfed mine, Tangling, strangling Early on we spent each waning moment Each wanting more Needing the others time and soul We combined, eventually two halves becoming whole -Decent wording, not too complex but simple. Short and sweet- This barren girl playing vitriol You watered and provided the light of sun Giving every opportunity to provide for one But he'd never come And we've careened our being Emptied lungs – Spitefully flung Each night we'd fight – Each day made numb -allright, not bad here- And now were left within this rift Talking stern on a sinking ship Unknowingly adding water while spewing spit I'm sorry I wasn't good enough my captain Let's capsize our demon captives Drown to the depths with the dream we calloused -cool ending- overall mvgt to vulgar here. a bit more emotion and writing polish.