AOWL Week 9: TYSON (2-3) vs. Patrown (2-2) [TYSON WINS, 5-4.]

Just Write · 04-18-2013, 01:44 AM

TYSON,

Man i'll be honest I've had some free time to look at some closed battles and i have to say this was not up to standards. I know you said you were experimenting but im just being honest. I'm a stickler for flow and PERSONALLY, i couldn't catch it man.. content was I thought there were some thought provoking points and really thought out idea. You definitely nailed the topic. These were some of my favorite lines.

The life of no sight is dark but I'm never alone
Flys buzz outside the minds crutch I hear the beauty in tones
Words become home for they paint pictures of the unknown

Sonar tapping into clues blind but my attention knows no equal
The sudden pounds of the drum rumbles the soul in retrospect of my heartbeat
Rhythm fast when lies are a mist detected my ears are detective
See thru the farse of my disability meaning I'm deformed and decripete

My counterpart speaks the days past she confides in me
Leaking her soul and I soak it up drenched when she crys on me
Ears always open and mouth sealed taking lessons that u usually wouldn't hear
The stutters from the penmenship of a boxer brings tears to my eyes
For it reveals the pain that killed his brain to achieve the meals to sustain
I hear crickets to determine night, bird's to determine morning...years hold no fear
Time humbles the normal perception of self through what the mirror appears

Patrown,

I really enjoyed this man, the flow, the word choice, content wise it was powerful. About 3/4 of the way in I was like "WTF does this have to do with the topic?!?!" but you had that Really powerful last line that brought it all together. the only complaint I do have is the fact that you used the word "Doughnut " in such a prestigious presence of vocabulary. it just stuck out like a sore thumb in my opinion.

my favorites

Blink if you’re to weep so each eye can shed its burden
Making room for newer tears, cleansing fear from greasy curtains
There’s only sorrow in the truth if it emerges against your will
Dimensions reverse in seconds once tragedy’s revealed

but would go nuts if I didn’t answer a call
even if I’d respond by texting a picture of my wall
I was never home, or alone in her mind’s eye
One day she threatened suicide, I said “fine, die”

When the mirrored glass breaks, I’ll pick up a jagged piece
Cut both wrists and write four words, “think before you speak.”

ok i went back and read both verses and started to enjoy your piece a little more tyson, and i respect you trying something new. i'm always trying to delve into different spectrum's of my writing zone. in the end I'm going to go with the piece I enjoyed the most and thats Patrown good battle guys. now I'm gunna roll a blunt then hit the rest of these pieces up.

04-18-2013, 01:44 AM	#13
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	TYSON, Man i'll be honest I've had some free time to look at some closed battles and i have to say this was not up to standards. I know you said you were experimenting but im just being honest. I'm a stickler for flow and PERSONALLY, i couldn't catch it man.. content was I thought there were some thought provoking points and really thought out idea. You definitely nailed the topic. These were some of my favorite lines. The life of no sight is dark but I'm never alone Flys buzz outside the minds crutch I hear the beauty in tones Words become home for they paint pictures of the unknown Sonar tapping into clues blind but my attention knows no equal The sudden pounds of the drum rumbles the soul in retrospect of my heartbeat Rhythm fast when lies are a mist detected my ears are detective See thru the farse of my disability meaning I'm deformed and decripete My counterpart speaks the days past she confides in me Leaking her soul and I soak it up drenched when she crys on me Ears always open and mouth sealed taking lessons that u usually wouldn't hear The stutters from the penmenship of a boxer brings tears to my eyes For it reveals the pain that killed his brain to achieve the meals to sustain I hear crickets to determine night, bird's to determine morning...years hold no fear Time humbles the normal perception of self through what the mirror appears Patrown, I really enjoyed this man, the flow, the word choice, content wise it was powerful. About 3/4 of the way in I was like "WTF does this have to do with the topic?!?!" but you had that Really powerful last line that brought it all together. the only complaint I do have is the fact that you used the word "Doughnut " in such a prestigious presence of vocabulary. it just stuck out like a sore thumb in my opinion. my favorites Blink if you’re to weep so each eye can shed its burden Making room for newer tears, cleansing fear from greasy curtains There’s only sorrow in the truth if it emerges against your will Dimensions reverse in seconds once tragedy’s revealed but would go nuts if I didn’t answer a call even if I’d respond by texting a picture of my wall I was never home, or alone in her mind’s eye One day she threatened suicide, I said “fine, die” When the mirrored glass breaks, I’ll pick up a jagged piece Cut both wrists and write four words, “think before you speak.” ok i went back and read both verses and started to enjoy your piece a little more tyson, and i respect you trying something new. i'm always trying to delve into different spectrum's of my writing zone. in the end I'm going to go with the piece I enjoyed the most and thats Patrown good battle guys. now I'm gunna roll a blunt then hit the rest of these pieces up. __________________