W3: Soulstice (1-0) vs. Witty (1-0) -- Witty 4-2

[dead man]

this guy said sherlock holmes. really tho?

soul - i neglected to vote on the finals match. sorry man. i still don't know who i would have casted for but its great to see your versatility in arriving from weeks of concentrated, dense writing into what i assume is your natural mode. good shit.

still linguistically dense with a lot to pick apart. but you have the room to play with descriptions and ideas without worrying about limitations. very rhyme centric and technically sharp without becoming overly rigid. this is another limitation that works against a lot of people but you've always been able to write fluidly and turn a phrase like a motherfucker. that last stanza killed me because i have had a few very similar relationships, friendships, acquaintances, whatever you'd call it. that followed this same trajectory. that initial identity is what you will always associate with long time companions. new memories and interactions but that first impression seems to be so crucial to our concepts of others. you described it in such a way that brought it to life and brought my own experiences straight into recall. that is effective communication.

While I felt the same, you were always Venice to me
Beautiful waterways that stretched in the streets
Persephone’s sexual fete. That lusty, erotic veneer
As you danced with a man who would be gone in a year

great.


We were touring the boat. I remember. You said nothing worthy of note.
Or, it was all blurred out by the vodka shots poured towards our throats
Occasionally hitting their mark, waiting for something missing to spark
In the core of your soul. The sea breeze tussled your hair as you posed next to me
Something in the air suggested we were two destined souls so
I later checked out the photo but nothing was there.

lines of the verse. broke your compulsive syllable pattern for the final lines and brought it to a close on a heavy note. time lapsing done well. I've seen many verses in a similar vein but this was one of my favorites. its said that time is a face on the water. you took us for a swim. thanks


witty - people always sleep on how well you write because of your discussion activity in lieu of your competitive participation. but yea. we've been reading each others work for years now and have been able to track growth development and shifts in the way one another writes. i had 2 problems with this verse, first and foremost. 1. it was too long for my personal taste. not because of the line length itself, but because of the actions that took place. you could have condensed these stories into much less space and made it more poignant imo. the build-up seemed unnecessary to a point. you are generally straight forward and image heavy, formidable mechanically and accessible to any audience so in competition you are a tough opponent. i think you stretched your descriptions a bit here, however, and lost a certain amount of luster your actual writing contains it itself.

And misery as any remaining sympathy dies, now is the time
Inside the house, the clock strikes on the hour and chimes

With the grace and peace of a harpist, the ease of an artist
Her easel a harlot, finally finding her release in the darkness
She makes her gag on a poisoned apple, and leaves her a carcass

A crystal shoe, all that remains of her glitz, so it will do

lol. smoove criminal.

anyway - the way you tell a story is very easy to follow, which is a compliment in this case because of its wide appeal. you do not leave gaps. we are following every step of the plot progression. and that is also a great quality and a benefit to you as a battler. in most cases, it works to your advantage from my point of view. this week, however, i think your extensive plot progression hindered the stories themselves. mainly because they were not new stories but rehashed fairy tale interpretations that left nothing to mystery or imagination. you were trumped by soulstice's imaginative and relatable tale of liquid identity and its effects on relationships.

great submissions from both of you but

v/ SOULSTICE