SYSTEMATIC

UnbornBuddha · 09-30-2014, 02:26 AM

This was excellent and educational. I particularly enjoyed this lines
"See my time isn't time, it's just a parallel linear quotient
coinciding with lineal solstice, riding around in a carousel
through the fairytale of theorems in motion
See, dimensional physics is step you've never envisioned
it's a leg up on ethical physics. time travel is a limited specialty
imagine alien schemes, an assembly of spirits on lines A-to-B
on a similar spectrum waving beamed retinal visions of entropy"

The essence of this lines are encompassed by a a type of warp speed imagery that is travelling in the mental axis of one's mind. Since one of the tags state a DBZ connotation I will therefore state that it also resembled the world of the death where the spirits are awaiting in line to be sentenced by King Yama. Their forms being amorphous and ethereal.
On another note, you tend to jump around a lot with many comparative assertions. Formulaic wise this connotes ambiguity. But not so much of an ambiguity that one needs to put on their detective lens to solve the mystery. Considering the last few lines I would venture to say this was a rendition of a suicide note, but the writer never committed the atrocious act, and so it's more of a reflection/ journaling of the angst when such contemplation takes hold.

A bit more straightforwardness would serve this piece well, as well as more interconnection of the thematic factors at play. Because although they point to a theme they do not fully depict the bigger picture. These nuances that I point to are in no way a nitpicking to try to exemplify a detriment, but rather simply notions that came forth as I read and analyzed the text.

A coming together of all the role playing elements that are happening in the main stage of the writing will suffice to culminate a truly outstanding piece. A scrupulous focusing on the merging of it all will prevent the reader from iatrogenic metaphorical poisoning when ingesting the medicine imbued in the literary world you've crafted.

Thank you.

09-30-2014, 02:26 AM	#18
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	This was excellent and educational. I particularly enjoyed this lines "See my time isn't time, it's just a parallel linear quotient coinciding with lineal solstice, riding around in a carousel through the fairytale of theorems in motion See, dimensional physics is step you've never envisioned it's a leg up on ethical physics. time travel is a limited specialty imagine alien schemes, an assembly of spirits on lines A-to-B on a similar spectrum waving beamed retinal visions of entropy" The essence of this lines are encompassed by a a type of warp speed imagery that is travelling in the mental axis of one's mind. Since one of the tags state a DBZ connotation I will therefore state that it also resembled the world of the death where the spirits are awaiting in line to be sentenced by King Yama. Their forms being amorphous and ethereal. On another note, you tend to jump around a lot with many comparative assertions. Formulaic wise this connotes ambiguity. But not so much of an ambiguity that one needs to put on their detective lens to solve the mystery. Considering the last few lines I would venture to say this was a rendition of a suicide note, but the writer never committed the atrocious act, and so it's more of a reflection/ journaling of the angst when such contemplation takes hold. A bit more straightforwardness would serve this piece well, as well as more interconnection of the thematic factors at play. Because although they point to a theme they do not fully depict the bigger picture. These nuances that I point to are in no way a nitpicking to try to exemplify a detriment, but rather simply notions that came forth as I read and analyzed the text. A coming together of all the role playing elements that are happening in the main stage of the writing will suffice to culminate a truly outstanding piece. A scrupulous focusing on the merging of it all will prevent the reader from iatrogenic metaphorical poisoning when ingesting the medicine imbued in the literary world you've crafted. Thank you. Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 09-30-2014 at 02:28 AM.