![]() |
![]() |
#4 |
WOW
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,591
Battle Record: 29-25
Champed - Writing Challenge League I
Rep Power: 82779338 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]()
cool battle guys
vulgar - sick multis on display here. top notch indeed. especially the first half. the story itself was pretty cool. but felt kind of disjointed or out of sequence so to speak. in the beginning you seem to be describing a apocalyptic landscape but then at this point sit at the control station, composure shaky, a bag of Twizzlers in my grasp, the literal version of an employee who's over his head it seems to go back to what caused the whole situation. which is fine. but the transition wasn't clear enough that it took a line or two to realize that you were in flash back mode. the verse than became a plot driven storyline instead of an overview. for me that threw the whole thing off for for some reason. the rhyming like I said before was exceptional, the flow and mechanics were dope. and the imagery was strong. overall good verse Oats- sick verse. when you tackle a topic you go all in. its a total overview of every aspect. which gives a feeling of completeness. sometimes though it does come off a little bit like a lecture in rhyme form. I feel like you might go into teacher mode a little bit maybe its just me. its like a professor asking questions to his students to provoke thought. look at all the question marks in your verse. you use this style a lot and its cool and works very well for you. it just lacks emotion and it feels like a safe zone for you. ok enough of me bashing a really good verse. the rhymes are really really good. your use of inners is very well done. the rhyme scheme very advanced. and the content was thought provoking. and complete. overall - tough battle to vote on. vulgars verse was full of imagery and really awesome multis. while oats wrote a full thesis on a topic. both were really good. im going off of preference and I think that the shortness of vulgars verse is the deciding factor for me. vote - oats
__________________
A.bove T.he R.est
|
![]() |
|
|