a funny story in retrospect, but not at the time it happened

[Badweather]

I was thinking about this one time I was hungover in the kitchen, making breakfast for myself.


It was an omelet, actually.


I cook one side of it, flip it, and I'm getting all of my fixin's ready, and as I'm piling them on the cooked side


I SHARTED in my fucking pajamas

right then and there I realize

"yo..fuckin' YO, i can't just fucking leave this omelet like this.


my roommate is in the living room watching wendy williams. I'm midway through cooking a hearty breakfast, but I've got dripping loose stool clasped in my buttcrack. How I even managed to hold liquid between two solids is a whole 'nother story.


What do I do? Do I say fuck this omelet, try to waddle past my roommate and end up in a 3 minute long conversation about the real reason why i'm waddling? Or do I just man the fuck up and finish the omelet, slide that bitch in the microwave, and then waddle past?


I decided to go with the latter. It was a painful decision to make, but I did it.


Needless to say, it's hard to cook an omelet when I've got the "thousand yard stare," focusing on keeping most of the spill contained in a quivering butt crack. It was horrible.


But TODAY....I realized it's pretty funny in retrospect.


Once I went upstairs and cleaned up the back yard, I came back down and started eating.

Sure I was disgusted with myself, 'cause I literally made breakfast with shit in my pajamas, and the idea that maybe somehow I got shit in my omelet was a very real threat. Which led to thinking about the restaurant business and maybe I've had a meal prepared by a sweaty cook with shit in his pants too. But...

yeah...i made breakfast with dookie all in my shit before.