Ryan 12 vs Mordycai (topical) - RYAN WINS

King Ra. · 12-09-2013, 10:19 PM

Wow, those smiley faces killed me. Hahaha.

Anywho, let's get it: Mordycai, I've read your pieces in the AOWL and it seems to me you have a grasp of topicals & know the ins & outs. I'm sure you're not new to this. With that said, I honestly feel that your piece here really fell short from what I've read from you thus far. I believe this was your first match up here? Maybe shaking off dust or just getting your feet wet and it showed. Based on the topic, I feel you didn't really connect to it. Your wording in this piece seemed off to me. This is due to your choice of terminology you used coupled a bit with your scheme which wasn't really too fluent. Lines are a bit stretched, so a better rhyme scheme would have helped a bit. But the connection to the topic wasn't very strong and your story wasn't really set very well. Towards the end it got a bit better, but beyond that a lot of hiccups. I didn't like the last two lines in the end though. I feel you definitely could have approached this much better because there really isn't an image set as I read. Structure is good, the scheme is a bit basic, lacked in the key areas overall. Ryan12, this is really my first time reading something from you outside of Discussion. I must say, I came away very impressed with what you put together. First off, this flowed very, very well. You had a nice scheme and set of pace going. I feel you did a better job here with the content in connection with the topic. Not only that, you painted a picture first, then eased in the theme perfectly. A lot of short pieces tend to miss out on key aspects, but your piece, imo, was damn near perfect in terms of rhyme scheme, imagery, content, storytelling and connection to the topic. I really see no negatives here. Great job.

I got to go with Ryan12 for dropping a damn near perfect piece here that connected with the topic, painted a picture and told a solid story from beginning to end with no mishaps.

MVGT: Ryan12.

12-09-2013, 10:19 PM	#16
King Ra. The Throne, The Crown Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,667 Battle Record: 21-35 Rep Power: 1932963	Wow, those smiley faces killed me. Hahaha. Anywho, let's get it: Mordycai, I've read your pieces in the AOWL and it seems to me you have a grasp of topicals & know the ins & outs. I'm sure you're not new to this. With that said, I honestly feel that your piece here really fell short from what I've read from you thus far. I believe this was your first match up here? Maybe shaking off dust or just getting your feet wet and it showed. Based on the topic, I feel you didn't really connect to it. Your wording in this piece seemed off to me. This is due to your choice of terminology you used coupled a bit with your scheme which wasn't really too fluent. Lines are a bit stretched, so a better rhyme scheme would have helped a bit. But the connection to the topic wasn't very strong and your story wasn't really set very well. Towards the end it got a bit better, but beyond that a lot of hiccups. I didn't like the last two lines in the end though. I feel you definitely could have approached this much better because there really isn't an image set as I read. Structure is good, the scheme is a bit basic, lacked in the key areas overall. Ryan12, this is really my first time reading something from you outside of Discussion. I must say, I came away very impressed with what you put together. First off, this flowed very, very well. You had a nice scheme and set of pace going. I feel you did a better job here with the content in connection with the topic. Not only that, you painted a picture first, then eased in the theme perfectly. A lot of short pieces tend to miss out on key aspects, but your piece, imo, was damn near perfect in terms of rhyme scheme, imagery, content, storytelling and connection to the topic. I really see no negatives here. Great job. I got to go with Ryan12 for dropping a damn near perfect piece here that connected with the topic, painted a picture and told a solid story from beginning to end with no mishaps. MVGT: Ryan12. __________________ Vetwork, bitches.