Apologetic Nostalgia

[Certain]

It took me a second to fall into this. Really, it took me a stanza. The first stanza's abstract images just didn't connect with me, mostly because I didn't think your metaphor was ideal in reflecting the pain of sacrifice.

Then your second stanza started, and I was pulled in the entire way. You had a few really gorgeous descriptions, full of all the images of frustrated youth romance that resonate so deeply in me, that you dragged out:

the only traces were dust clouds unsettled by her window
Some moisture on her sleepy cheek and an impression on her pillow

By sunrise, clouds winked "don't worry, her parents aren't on to us"
But looking back, perhaps those clouds were much more ominous

thinking of what to tell her while I'm pawing off lipstick

one of us stayed quiet, the other didn't bother to listen
but looking back, who did what becomes a foggy admission

Those are such strong passages of writing that it's easy to miss how deft your mechanics were. The rhymes were deep, unique and rarely forced. (OK, I noticed that "calls across the pacific" line and wondered if you really went to Asia.)

So then you returned to your intro for the close. The writing was a bit stronger and more direct and tied in with the verse I just read, which was good. Inherently, I'm a minimalist. I like reading the story without too much comment, and I think I might have preferred this piece had it just been the second, third and fourth stanzas alone. But I did love, "How many apologies does it take to pave over them?" I guess to me the emotion rode higher in the storytelling than the surveyal. But there's definitely a worthwhile removal from the situation that you gain, a detatched understanding of what happened that couldn't be as smoothly told if blended into the storytelling.