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#4 |
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,868
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It started off well to me with transitions to the next line etc., then towards the end it got abit more sporadic in terms of flow. I couldn't really get what you were talking about at times to be honest, here's an example:
It stings but if its a bumble be grateful if it didnt stung you Or maybe sting is the way it's pronounced, I be lazy without taming my mouth From saying out loud the wrong annunciation ^ Ok, but wat? The closure seemed out of place to me as well. But you did have some cool lines here and there, the intro definitely caught my attention. My mind can vroom, fly past in time lapse ^ Thought this was dope af. The piece was cool enough but I thought it got worse, lazy even, towards the end. Remove fillers, organize your piece/thoughts and I think it would have been more coherent and better overall.
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o |
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