Week 3: The Law vs. Breathless (BREATHLESS WINS 6-5)

UnbornBuddha · 03-20-2016, 03:07 PM

TheLaw: This is the first work I remember reading from you, I can't remember your past work, albeit I've seen you give feed in the past. Interesting title for the piece, a world of irony. Ironic, indeed. The piece had its ups and downs. The downs were some of the word choices were offputting, which you kind of did just for the sake of rhyme. The -ation rhyme scheme is always a tricky one, in many respects the -ation suffix encompasses a lot of good words, but it can be very novice if not properly utilized in an unconventional fashion. "class of amputation" for example is kind of a strange choice of words. I personally don't think splintery is a bad word choice. The narrative and theme were okay, I found no fault and enjoyed it. I loved this image "grungy human scenery" its very strong to me.

Breathless: This is extremely poetic. It doesn't really fall into the rap category, I feel. I really can't say much, I think it was well executed. It had a simplicity to it, but it also has this surreal aura to it that made the whole piece feels transcendent, in a good way. The words that came to mind to describe the essence of your piece is "Beautiful pain". An oscillative state between misery and pleasure, but ultimately pain won out.

Vote goes to: Breathless

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03-20-2016, 03:07 PM	#6
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	TheLaw: This is the first work I remember reading from you, I can't remember your past work, albeit I've seen you give feed in the past. Interesting title for the piece, a world of irony. Ironic, indeed. The piece had its ups and downs. The downs were some of the word choices were offputting, which you kind of did just for the sake of rhyme. The -ation rhyme scheme is always a tricky one, in many respects the -ation suffix encompasses a lot of good words, but it can be very novice if not properly utilized in an unconventional fashion. "class of amputation" for example is kind of a strange choice of words. I personally don't think splintery is a bad word choice. The narrative and theme were okay, I found no fault and enjoyed it. I loved this image "grungy human scenery" its very strong to me. Breathless: This is extremely poetic. It doesn't really fall into the rap category, I feel. I really can't say much, I think it was well executed. It had a simplicity to it, but it also has this surreal aura to it that made the whole piece feels transcendent, in a good way. The words that came to mind to describe the essence of your piece is "Beautiful pain". An oscillative state between misery and pleasure, but ultimately pain won out. Vote goes to: Breathless