Skullkid -- Elysium

Zen · 07-22-2014, 07:17 PM

Splitty: You just voted and told me to stop being random. Truth is, this was random as hell, but there was a whatadayacallit, general theme? that stayed throughout. I saw this as you looking back on your own memories and trying to make sense of all of it, and for the most part I dug it. I didn't like the first two opening lines because they were just sorta there, but the rest was great. Especially the story of god line which was my favorite line from this whole piece. Actually, just reread it and I don't know how I feel about the sadness and bullshit line. Kinda sticks out when compared to the language you used in the rest of the verse, which is a good and a bad thing. It's good because I'm sure that's what you intended for it to do, but it's bad because it threw the rhythm off for me. Every line before that one was great except for the first two, and after that line it never picked up again with the same quality that you started off with. Still, that's the only things I have to complain about and that's just because I'm nitpicking. Very good stuff, man. Now could you not leave anymore condescending votes? Condenscending Split is my least favorite Split :/

Black: I thought this started off a little slow for you, but once you hit the martyr and savior lines it picked up quick. Especially the last four or five lines or so. It really was the perfect way to close this out. I've read, and fed, so many verses of yours that it's gotten to the point where I don't know where to critique you, because really there isn't anything to critique you on. While the start of this verse was slow, it still wasn't bad. This was all solid writing, maybe a little below par with some of your other stuff, but not by much. Your usual style was here with crisp rhymes which are always good, but the descriptive language is what sets you apart from most. When you describe a scene, you're painting a picture in the reader's mind. Good stuff as always.

Great work fellas.

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07-22-2014, 07:17 PM	#21
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Splitty: You just voted and told me to stop being random. Truth is, this was random as hell, but there was a whatadayacallit, general theme? that stayed throughout. I saw this as you looking back on your own memories and trying to make sense of all of it, and for the most part I dug it. I didn't like the first two opening lines because they were just sorta there, but the rest was great. Especially the story of god line which was my favorite line from this whole piece. Actually, just reread it and I don't know how I feel about the sadness and bullshit line. Kinda sticks out when compared to the language you used in the rest of the verse, which is a good and a bad thing. It's good because I'm sure that's what you intended for it to do, but it's bad because it threw the rhythm off for me. Every line before that one was great except for the first two, and after that line it never picked up again with the same quality that you started off with. Still, that's the only things I have to complain about and that's just because I'm nitpicking. Very good stuff, man. Now could you not leave anymore condescending votes? Condenscending Split is my least favorite Split :/ Black: I thought this started off a little slow for you, but once you hit the martyr and savior lines it picked up quick. Especially the last four or five lines or so. It really was the perfect way to close this out. I've read, and fed, so many verses of yours that it's gotten to the point where I don't know where to critique you, because really there isn't anything to critique you on. While the start of this verse was slow, it still wasn't bad. This was all solid writing, maybe a little below par with some of your other stuff, but not by much. Your usual style was here with crisp rhymes which are always good, but the descriptive language is what sets you apart from most. When you describe a scene, you're painting a picture in the reader's mind. Good stuff as always. Great work fellas.