Week 9: 15. Adonis (3-5) vs. 16. dyedinthewool (1-2) \\ Adonis wins 7-2

[millz]

Adonis....


so i would like to say congrats... you have apparently took an evolutionary leap to becoming a better writer. something i was not sure you ever would do. the framework and style in which this piece was attempted was actually brilliant and loads better than anything ive read from you. with that being said there still is massive massive room for improvement. something i try very hard to focus on is wording, and some of your wording just isnt fleshed out enough. take for example your opening couplet

A gazebo covered by lush greenery draped.
Vines choking fence made perfect for shade.

if you read that out loud the wording doesnt come across as natural, its almost incomplete. it would be better off if it was worded something like this

A gazebo is covered by a lush greenery; draped in
vines choking the fence that's so perfectly shaded


thats not perfect, but i think after reading it you get to see my point. it just feels more natural and is far more complete. and i think this is really the only point where your piece struggles. the potential is there but the wording needs to be fixed. some parts of it just dont feel right. as far as concept its very well thought out. its resonates with something that is real, and relatable without exactly being thrown in the face... which is good.

vs.


dyed. first off i want to start with this. the writing in the beginning of this was much much smoother then the writing at the end. some of it was simple, but that wasnt a problem. sometimes simple can be more effective. and in this case it was... in the beginning. so while i think for the most part your word choices stood out over adonis for being more natural. i think your piece lacked a bit, where adonis story excelled. sometimes people focus to hard on trying to do something new... add a new twist, or do something that hasnt been done before. well your piece has been done to death. so you are faced with 2 options. you can either, a, give it a new twist. which most people completely fail at. or b, you can focus hard on writing it well. i tend to focus on the writing it well part. there is nothing wrong with approaching a topic or context that has been used. the exciting part is how you execute it. to me this was set up real nice, but it felt completely rushed its like the story started on a walk for 85% of the story, and you fit the last half of the content in the 15% of space left to fill. sometimes this can be a casualty of line limits, but in this case i only count 13.5 couplets... which is odd to me as its usually easier to writing in even numbers and even more specifically in multiples of 16. i really think your piece would of benefited from using that last 2.5 couplets to flush out more the ending of this story. would of added more emotion and captured the reader better.

vote-adonis