Week 4 - Objective (2-0) vs. Just Write (2-0) - JUST WRITE WINS 6-0

[PancakeBrah]

Just Write-

Cool little verse. The idea/concept was cool and pretty original mostly due to your execution. Instead of toying and twisting the old nursery rhyme or interpreting it in a different way you simply added flourishes and a touch of macabre to the proceedings. This type of concept can be corny or lazy in the wrong hands but I felt you did well and nailed it. It wasn't too romantic, it was almost a matter-of-fact re-branding of the rhyme with increased detail and a bit of liberty in the recapturing for a darker effect. I often wonder why the majority of writtens here are so focused on the less savory, macabre. I do it too. It's presupposed depth, I guess. That's neither here nor there. As I've said, in terms of story/concept/central idea I enjoyed this and the connection to the week's topic wasn't shoehorned in. Everyone knows they went to fetch a bail of water. It's the central action that lead to Jill's death. In terms of mechanics, you wavered between good and just okay. There were certain rhymes that I felt were forced, where you would put in an unnecessary adjective that made the reading clunkier for the sake of completing a rhyme. Also, a couple of the rhymes were pretty generic. There were other portions where you hit the nail on the head in terms of mechanics and allowed your standard-level multi-syllabic style flesh out the content as opposed to the content being relegated to second place behind keeping in step with the rhymes you felt you needed to create. In the non-rhyme department, there were a couple spots where your wording felt a bit dry, as in there were spots where I lost interest. For all these small qualms I still think this, overall, was worth the read. Nothing mind-blowing, but interesting. Thanks.

"There was no calling the cops, only my emotional sirens
As I lay their screaming til no more tears could seep through my eyelids.
The men who attacked us weren't just out for the money it seemed
They wanted to feel the thrill of a kill and the apealing rush that it brings
They busted my cheek, fucked up my teeth, broke all four of my crowns
They threw me to the bottom just in time for me to see my sister tumbling down"

My favorite portion of your verse.

Objective-

I understand the concept but it didn't feel correct. It felt shoehorned in to be deep but there's no real connection. Your opening line hurt you; the mismatched plural/singular tense right off the bat gives the reader the distinct preconception of unfinished or rushed work. Whether or not that's the actual case here is irrelevant. Your second line was probably the best line of your piece but it wasn't necessarily strong. Throughout the piece your rhymes were simplistic. Simplistic not only in terms of syllables, which can be fine, but in terms of originality and creativity. force/course, face/place, sink/drink, etc. I understand what you were going for; content over mechanics with an emphasis on message. If the message and point is weak and contrived, though, all we're left with is kindergarten rhymes supporting a weak idea. The Africa line was cringeworthy to me. I know this has been overwhelmingly negative but I've read some of your work before and this is not up to standard. You have the ability to be an upper-echelon competitor in this league but I don't know what you were going for here. Look forward to your next drop.

v/Just Write