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07-13-2013, 04:40 PM
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loose leaf bruce lee
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,077
Battle Record: 7-6
Rep Power: 1853216   |
Flatine...../\....../\......./\.......................
Death lurks and it looms, urgently moved to the emergency room.
Surgeons hurridly use surgical tools for nursing the burgundy wound.. Cant face this murderous doom, frightened by the red that is gushing.. Rib skeletal structures cracked from the lead in my stomach.. Hot metal's wrecking my functions, bleeding excessively.. Death manifesting next to me desperately trying to get the best of me.. Im getting weak, two hot metal stones in a torn spleen.. One more injection, and ill be overdosing on morphine.. I was only fourteen feelin my head gettin heavy.. saw the gun, saw him pull the trigger, i never was ready.. Two metal pellets settling in me, didnt think he'd be packin heat.. Or that he'd be blasting three after me, because i didnt have the G.. Blackness surpassing me, minutes from being laid to rest.. My brain is vexed playin chess with the angel of death.. Should of brang defense, death is malevolent. Pledging I'll be checking in on every single one of my relatives.. Everything has a relevance, I yearn for it all.. Its like playing a game of tennis with a murderdous ball.. So learn from me y'all, i feel the scalpel slice to to right, Im blinded by light, finding im striving to stay alive in this life.. The shine is too bright, cant be hypnotized by his might, Cant let these fiending demons win, im gonna fight till i die.. The surgeons having trouble locating the metal.. Im facing the devil, cant sink underground.. Gotta stay on this level.. Suddenly I close my eyes to pass time. Then I wake up... a holy spirit hearing a flatline..
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Last edited by Dove Dozer; 07-15-2013 at 07:25 PM. |
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07-13-2013, 05:30 PM
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#2 |
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White Earl
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Philly Cat.
Posts: 12,354
Battle Record: 10-15
Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x)
Champed - Netcees Writers League
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Rep Power: 50036761  |
Yo.. this shit was deep for real.. on some like yoo, the angel of death trying to get me and I actually see him standing there type shit. That aspect of this was nuts not to mention the flex of rhymes and syllables you went in on. Solid drop my dood. Good to see something new.
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-A.bove T.he R.est |
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07-15-2013, 04:24 AM
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Don't believe the hype
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 572
Battle Record: 4-5
Rep Power: 0   |
bump
gunna give this a through feed...just need time to have this permeate my posturepedic memory foam (organically created by nasa and as seen on TV). and after your attachment to this peice wans give ideas to get to that next level sell shoes online because those without technique critique.
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What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope. Last edited by Coup; 07-15-2013 at 04:45 AM. |
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07-15-2013, 04:07 PM
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#4 | |
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loose leaf bruce lee
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,077
Battle Record: 7-6
Rep Power: 1853216 |
Quote:
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07-15-2013, 04:09 PM
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Junior Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
Rep Power: 37 |
This is straight fire. You murdered it son. Some parts I thought the flow could have been tighter... but overall I enjoyed reading this. One of my favorite on this website.
RTF: Juicy Booty |
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07-15-2013, 11:34 PM
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Mic Check
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Calgary Alberta Canada
Posts: 708
Battle Record: 13-10
Rep Power: 3742225 |
intro was nice. well constructed, concise rhyming. good shit
Death lurks and it looms, urgently moved to the emergency room. Surgeons hurridly use surgical tools for nursing the burgundy wound.. Cant face this murderous doom, frightened by the red that is gushing.. Rib skeletal structures cracked from the lead in my stomach.. Hot metal's wrecking my functions word. nice I felt the rest wasn't up to par with that^^ and fell off a little flow wize after it. Not to say the rest was bad.. just not AS good. the content was ehhhh to me. but to each their own on that typa shit. u can handle this typa shit easily man.. rhyming 2, 3 words... or like 3-5 syllables.. would be nice to see u attempting more agressive scheming. i also don't see much inner bar rhyming from you.. or like cool switchbacks of one scheme then pop another one in,.. then back to the original. you know?? anyways not trying to shit all over u, just giving honest feed. p.s. i know ur style is great for audio so i get it. its very consistent u can't complain about that. i would just like to see u challenge urself a little complexity wise. Keep posting bro
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My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete. |
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07-17-2013, 02:10 PM
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#7 |
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loose leaf bruce lee
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,077
Battle Record: 7-6
Rep Power: 1853216 |
Thanks for the feed.. ill it you back beats
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07-17-2013, 03:10 PM
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#8 | ||||
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Don't believe the hype
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 572
Battle Record: 4-5
Rep Power: 0 |
Quote:
Let's see where you take us... Quote:
this above section tried to flesh out backstory, but it was too shallow to work...think of ways to show it differently Quote:
to cover your death and to get across the impact I felt you wanted you have to give us some tangible or some investment. you started off well by saying you got shoe and saw the gun...but that was it, and oyu then continue with more telling/describing...show us like why do you have to stay on this level ? what's at stake. why do you have to live ? we where given nothing...expanded on the moment. what fall did you learn from ? you said a lot but what did you actually create ? create some tension, up the antee...if oyu died there are things at stake, develop these things to bring an impact...blah blah. you needed a world in wich we were looking into while reading....otherwise we aer 1000 miles away just listening. not a bad peice, I just felt like speaking my mind. I realize i ain't the best Quote:
Thing is, we learned nothing...just some details...offer some observations and how they motivate or otherwise this character......offer insights into his mind beyond simple sound bite statements.. do you see what I mean ? Give this depth and color outside the parable you gave it, which was telling...not bad though. those who cannot do critique.
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What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope. Last edited by Coup; 07-17-2013 at 03:38 PM. |
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