WEEK TWO: CORLEONE (0-0) vs CANDY (0-1) CORLEONE WINS 5-2

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK TWO

@corleone @Candy


Verse Due: FRIDAY APRIL 1ST @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:

GOOD LUCK

[Candy]

check check
votes

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150356
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150353
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150354

[Candy]

The Solidified Vampiric Dust
..

One lick of a shot, Two lashes above rot
My fangs sang the lost - shocked at whats forgot
Somber summer strings of a violin are rubbed
Entry and exit wounds found by the pond of slugs
A princess to queens a requiem rare.. found
Slowly no sound bound, tied to ups n downs
Wings extended spring out with mouth made to smile
A symphony vile secrets true bible
Stakes made by mistake stab and gush the air
A fair young maiden aware yet so bare
A nightinggale bride/high on life she sucks "hear"
Through the soundless dead.. and regurgitates tear
Beyond cement blocks and past the graves tone
A grey shone of sun elopes her lobes shown
From throne to throne paired no bones unexposed
Matter chatters broke my crown opens hope
Now my wings fire, on site out of sight
The air becomes thick with sick scent of life
A child is born in the vampiric dust scene
Forged of love/sin and everything between
Graffiti to earth, a jupiter moon slung
A song never drummed for life it was once

..

[corleone]

quick keystyle..

It was on the 28th day of march.. where the story unfolds,
.. A lady named veronica, had just passed and grown old//
Grandmother of three, minus the child her daughter aborted,
.. is where the pain and misery began as officials reported//
broken hearted at nearly seventy (70), thoughts of committing suicide,-
run through her mind, as she only recalls the blade she used when-died//
her greatest passion stood as a painter.. a world-class entertainer,
ran for mayor.. and else things which ultimately made her-greater//
she was from down south.. charlotte, north carolina,
an athlete.. who ran track-meets for sports at her-college//
raised by her mother.. abandoned at an early age by her father,
an attractive black woman who only dated white-collared,-
gentlemen.. who never cared for her heritage nor ethnicity,
but still, she stood strong and maintained her testimony-religiously//
her bestest moments were as typically, drawn out to as far sicily,
where men would fall to her feet, literally, she was irresistibly//
.. she was traditionally a beautiful woman,
hair to her thighs, the perfect kind in the eyes of a trueman//
she was exclusive.. a true dime piece to us hustlers,
who later fell short to many drug addictions with smugglers//
.. among others, she became known as a popular customer,
the block was smuttin’ her, to find out the whole city was fucking her//
.. her name was veronica, to the world,
rest in peace to a young, fly, beautiful girl..//

[Adverse]

Okay guys thought this one was kind of underwhelming in all honesty

Candy
This verse this week seemed even more discombobulated than your usual material, I think a lot of it was you rushing through this week’s battle so you could sign out which I can understand. I liked the vampiric imagery, the senses you were invoking etc. but your story just didn’t make a lot of sense to me, nor did it really pertain to the topic. I think you really need to slow down and make sure bar by bar that you’re telling a coherent story that makes sense to us all, because I wasn’t catching on at all here

Corleone
You did alright in your first bout man but competition is only going to get stiffer so I hope you’re not going to keystyle the whole way through this league. I’ve seen you tell some good stories in the open mic tbh. This story was alright, it was more coherent than Candy’s was but I mean nothing really happened, it was kind of bland, you’ve got to build up your characters, make us care about them and hold the theatrics for the ending of your verse (the suicide etc) build some suspense up.

Overall this wasn’t the best matchup in the world not to mention you guys got a difficult topic, I think I’d roll with Cor because he had a more put together story.

V/Corleone

[Eviction]

Candy
I liked how you started off alliteration was cool in the beginning found by the pond of slugs was a dope metaphore, I get the feeling that this is unfinished because it seems like you have incomplete ideas and lines that should have been elaborated more clearly, what stuck out to me as the highlight of your drop was your metaphors, I highlighted below in quotes by what I mean by incomplete ideas, I sometimes prefered the first line over the second.

Corleone
I thought I remembered you as a troll, and I peeped a few of your shit before and it was trash so this is beyond what I expected from you, I liked how you opened this up, and how I can instantly expect a story driven piece, it took a dark turn straight out of the gate which makes me want more of a back story leading up to this, but maybe next time save topics like this for longer pieces so you can get more of your story out, despite this making my mind wonder this was more than what I expected from you and a pretty decent drop, also I am only going to say this once, stop with the extra periods and dashes at the end of bars and all that extra shit I almost wanted to vote against you because of that alone.

Favorites from candy
Entry and exit wounds found by the pond of slugs
Stakes made by mistake stab and gush the air
Beyond cement blocks and past the graves tone

Favorites from corleone
she was exclusive.. a true dime piece to us hustlers,
who later fell short to many drug addictions with smugglers//
.. among others, she became known as a popular customer,
the block was smuttin’ her, to find out the whole city was fucking her//
.. her name was veronica, to the world,
rest in peace to a young, fly, beautiful girlv

/\ that whole section was fire, not very poetic or noteworthy but it did its job at closing this chapter.

V/ CORLEONE

[Dank]

I actually preferred this topic to the one I was granted this week! Believe it or not, there’s something less direct about the image which leaves more open to interpretation though there does seem to be a similar theme here of love also having its hidden dangers once you get into it. A kind of ‘Buyer Beware’ type deal with the caveats as a warning as to the very real probability as you to you getting hurt in the process. Dope.

Candy: The title of your verse caught my immediate attention with the mention of the “Vampiric” here, on first glance at the topic I hadn’t even noticed that but on a second look - the razors barbs DO look like the fangs of a vampire being bared, with the lollies red appearance appearing to indicate blood surrounding it which is a crazy visual idea off-bat (See what I did there?). “Somber summer strings,” was an awesome alliterative lead-in I thought that may sneak by some heads. I’ll tell you another one that stood out to me actually toward the middle of your verse, the play on words around “gravestone/graves tone” which was fresh as fuck to me, I’ve not seen that done before but it worked really well in the context of this. I don’t know if Adverse has noticed but you have never tended to tell a story in the traditional storytelling sense, instead you opt for a more topical route - relying on ubiquitous imagery, words, unique turns of phrase and evoking emotion. It’s almost like the difference between how a surrealist may choose to paint a picture as opposed to someone doing cubism for example. The two may be in the same broader medium, using the same tools and palette, but the desired end result is considerably different in how the choose to approach and convey their finished article. The vampiric shit was dope, completely left field and I missed it at first so props to you for making that observation, it was great!

Corleone: Great storytelling here, for real, it reminded me of old Mos Def on the Blackstarr album. The flow was butter to me and the ellipses, pauses etc were all in the right spots. It shows that you record actually because I didn’t just read this, I could hear it being spat as you went off. The whole “grandmother of three, minus the child her daughter aborted,” was dope as fuck and worded really well to execute it like that. I fucked with the “suicide/run through her mind” internal rhyme heavy, actually loved your scheming throughout this because you bounced it around and played with it that showed more complexity than a lot write with - you clearly know what you’re doing, and for a keystyle this was pretty ill actually. I think you’re heavily slept on because of either your text battles or Discussion board personality or whatever it may be, but none of that counts when you’re in the league here and competing like this. I know this was the second verse you dropped this week, but it was very good and I have to commend you on that. I think if you take the time to formulate something longer each week, you’re a problem. Stay up Cor.

[Adonis]

Candy - I enjoyed the criptic style even if at points it seemed jumbled or awkward, it still worked in a sense of like, camoflauge or discreet effect, not sure how to convey what i'm saying really but I enjoyed it through and through. As for the story, not postive, but I took it as a women turned vampire, pregnant then stabbed and turns to dust by the baby lives. Either that or the baby would be the girl who dies, but lives on through the morphing into vampire. I'm sure im missing something regardless, as I get a vibe you are talking more in a general sense of the world, but again, unsure. All in all tho, I enjoyed this take and felt you utilized the topic perfectly and executed some very off the wall concepts within lines that were flipped in not the most traditional sense, but flipped nicely irregardless. Solid read

Core - Story was cool, straight narrative type which is complete opposite of competitor. There were some wording issues like "she was irresistibly" doesn't work imo. Also, i don't mind using end rhymes mid sentence, but it seemed like you did it a tad too much. It jumbled the flow for me some causing me to go back and read the sentences as complete sentences to figure out exactly what you were going for. You also said "Thoughts of commiting suicide" followed by "she recalls the blade used when died" means either she is recalling her death after the death or else it doesn't work imo. All in all tho, I thought the verse was a fun read that was paced well, and given its lack of length I thought you actually built the character up pretty well.



Vote - Candy

IMO candy had the more well writen piece as a stand alone, though I am probably a bit biased as he went straight topical verse story mode which allowed me to delve into lines and and try and decipher which had it open up in a my mind leaving more of a lasting impression. Good battle gents

[Dominate]

Candy - I liked this verse more than the one you submitted last week. A vampire romance theme fits the topic well enough - a 'dangerous love' take. You have a very unique style. I appreciate elements of it - good vocab, imagery, interesting turns of phrase. There are some artistic elements like alliteration ("somber summer strings") and wordplay(?)("graves tone") in there. My main issue with your writing is that in most lines it's either too thick with metaphor for me to get it or just doesn't make any sense. "A symphony vile secrets true bible" is a good example of what I'm talking about. Bucking the rules of grammar/the English language can be an artistic device when done selectively and infrequently but it just feels too constant in your verses to me and comes off like you don't have a good command of the mechanics of language. Maybe I'm just a big dumb dumb and you're cleverly saying something profound that I'm missing. Sorry.


Cor - got some Carolyn from Maryland she lady heroin vibes here lol. If this was truly a keystyle then it's pretty good for that I guess. It's 2022 though and nobody really cares about how quickly you're able to write a verse - people (well, me at least) want to see the best piece of writing you're able to put up within the given amount of time. I like the enthusiasm of dropping early/quickly but I really would have preferred to see what you could come up with using a little more effort. This piece was pretty lacklustre to me. You described the life of a woman but did so in a way that was kinda boring. There were some heavy events listed - suicide, abortion, abandonment, - but there was nothing in the writing that resonated emotionally. It was all very surface level. Not sure about the connection to the topic either. Mechanically this wasn't bad, some OK rhyme schemes and it flowed well enough. "Grandmother of three, minus the child her daughter aborted" was a well written individual line and points to what you might be able to do with a little more thought and effort in subsequent weeks.


I'm voting for Candy. Cor's verse was more coherent but less interesting and not as good a take on the topic IMO.

[Adverse]

3-2 Corleone in the lead

[Universe]

Candy:

(The following is an inner monologue and should be ignored for my real opinion at the end of the vote - I have no idea how this manifested itself onto the screen and cannot delete it)

I mean, did you think the razor blade in the heart lollipop were teeth? And then, what? You saw the red of the heart and thought of blood and decided to make a vampire piece? Is that how your mind works? Because I don't get it... Like at all.

Also, I still don't understand you in almost any way. Your biggest battle every week is with the english language and you usually lose. Your voting is horrendous and almost downright fraudulent. These people calling you "cryptic" probably haven't read a Candy verse before and have no idea that you're perpetually unintelligible ."Graves tone" was most likely not even intended as wordplay... You probably were literally talking about a graves tone... Anything that ever connects with anyone on any level is a fluke.

(End of inner monologue)

Not really feeling this, Candy... but great effort!


Corleone:

Well I can understand you so you're already ahead of the game. Didn't really see any connection to the topic though... this just reeks with generalities. But I like your effortless style and flow and the old school '//' at the end of your bars tug at my heartstrings.

That said, this verse gets slaughtered by any real competition but fortunately for you, you were up against Candy, who pretty much can only beat Sinacog.

So...

Vote: Corleone

[Objective]

Candy:

Your piece reads very much as a poem to me, which to me means flow and syllable count is incredibly important, also being poignant and to the point. Removing "are" in line 3 would help it to be just that.

Somber summer strings of a violin rubbed
vs
Somber summer strings of a violin are rubbed

I also really like the ideas here:
Wings extended spring out with mouth made to smile
A symphony vile secrets true bible
^My only problem with it is that it reads a little cryptic, to say the least. A little bit more of a clear message and what you want to translate to the reader would help you out a lot, I think. You can be as deep and cryptic as you want but it can't be too difficult understanding the string of words you put together. "A symphony vile secrets true bible" is an example of that since it doesn't seem to clear up what was going on in the previous line, and as a standalone sentence I can't decipher it either.

Stakes made by mistake stab and gush the air
^I enjoyed this a lot tho. Beautifully written, also a good example of cryptic but to the point and easy to understand as a reader.

Like, man... This piece is kinda cool to me cus I enjoy poetry, and see some true potential in what it can be if you keep developing this style and pay more attention to each line. Think through the story you want to convey to the reader, make metaphors clearer etc. if you intend to use them. The style is cool but needs serious work to get there. I think it would serve you well reading some lyric poetry and its techniques.

Picking up a few key elements to clarity, pacing and subject matter will help you drastically going forward if you intend on keeping this style up. Spend more time polishing clarity in your story/sentences you'll improve your pen game further. I've read better from you in the past and looking to see even better as the league keeps going.

You got it in you, just can't overcomplicate your shit too much. Find a balance to the story and topic at hand, and I think you may come forth with something that can sway doubters in the future.

Corleone:

First off, welcome to the league.

I've been looking forward to check out your topical game. The story is cool but it's difficult to see how the topic given make sense to the story you're laying out. My main tip to you would be to take a look at previous GWL finals and Battle of the Week verses to see how different people have picked apart a topic given. That said, this wasn't an easy picture to get if you're new to it all, hopefully next weeks picture will serve you better when it comes to this.

I enjoy your oldschool forum-style of setting up sentences and sticking with it. It got this nostalgic feel when reading. It's a style of its own and personally as a reader it helps the entertaining factor and differentiate you as a writer, whether or not this particular style will hurt you going forward or not is something future will tell.

That said tho, your story is coherent and I enjoyed what I read for what it was, and that's enough to snatch my vote this week.

Vote: Corleone. I think neither writer pertained to the topic given that well, so the determining factor of snatching my vote was a coherent verse/story and pacing. Something of which Corleone had going for him this week. Looking forward to see more from each writer as they progress throughout the league.