Week 1: Lucipher Howlz vs Johnny 6 feet LUCIPHER WINS

[Inno]

AOWL Season IX

@Lucipher Howlz vs @Johnny 6 feet


Verse due: Friday 13th MID Est time


Line Min: 10

Max: 50

Check ins: 48 hours after thread post


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451


Topic:

[Johnny 6 feet]

Checking in. Good luck.

[Lucipher Howlz]

checking in.

[Johnny 6 feet]

Lockdown


I dreamt a dream 2020 would be a regular year
Until some twat ate a bat and threw a wrench in the gears
Now I'm sitting like a fat fuck sweating in a sauna
Stone cold sober since I quit drinking and smoking marijuana
Handshakes were standard, hugs were cool, flirtation continued on schedule
Instead of social interaction being placed on a pedestal
Now friendships are pixelated, and we're searching for who to blame
And 6 feet is standard distance instead of my username
Time was always in short supply, now he's here in abundance
Except for those targeted by the microscopic tyrant among us
Communication hampered, expressions censored within masks
Separation anxiety caused by invisible prison glass
I'm limbo-ing past old ladies as I'm shopping for groceries
Praying to the Gods of toilet paper I get some, hopefully?
Jumping Like cats on hot tin roofs at a single cough
Sending prayers for nearest and dearest; every one I'm thinking of
My thermometer spends so much time in my mouth; I'm charging rent
And how great I can watch Netflix until my heart's content?
A sad state of affairs when a hermit like me misses human company
Sharing an umbrella in the rain is a forgotten luxury
It may sound trite but the human race is stronger standing together
But we can't shelter each other in this viral stormy weather

...see you all next year :)

[Lucipher Howlz]

" No one knows me"

When I was a young boy every time it rained it poured-
Not scared of thunder but always had to change my drawers-
Dad would insist on boy clothes till my brain was sore-
Beat it into me until heroine was in my veins and pores-
Too much pain & force, I refused to change & maintained my course-
Waging war, against my fathers love even tho I craved for more-
enraged wit' scorn, he fucked with the bull until It displayed its horns-
Then came a storm, My mom went ghost cus of who I wanted to be-
So both my parents were monsters when it came to the haunting in me-
But I felt cautiously free, When I drank & got high with this nauseous debris-
like a shark in a sea, of toilet water until I felt this darkening need-
To not be scared of who I am and shake like Parkinson's disease-
I'm startin' to be me, A girl in a man's body & my heart is on my sleeve-
Farthest from belief & the hardest to believe is who I became now-
The same child who use to wear boys clothes but then changed styles!-
Now I have insane piles of nail polish & lipstick to make great smiles!-
I create miles, of the road I make , it only took that old soul to hate-
Veins as cold as a frozen lake, You don't know the toll it takes-
To be born a cow then get sold as steaks- but this mold I'll break-
Different on the inside but tongue in cheek why control my taste-
Gray skies with no umbrella my life was hard with motherless help-
Now shits changed and I'm stellar within my own colorful self-
But I believe in destiny, changed from that kid who was teased relentlessly-
No friends with chemistry no shock my dad had no need to mention me-
So he got the best of me, thats why I went from Stephen to Stephany-

[Universe]

J6F:

Cool little verse, Johnny. Technically sound as always. Easy on the eyes and smooth. But tbh, I didn't really see how it connected to the topic until the very end... and even then I was like... "Ehh, okay...?". Don't get me wrong, I liked it... but you DO have an affinity for being fairly loose with your depictions. Remember our battle? It was similar to this picture actually, and you connected "rain" with "reign" and made an entire piece about a King's reign. Quite frankly it pissed me off that THAT was your take on the topic, and even more so that the voters didn't give a shit lol. But I only bring it up because it needed to be said.

Moving on, and taking your interpretation at face value... these were my favorite parts:

Highlights:

"Time was always in short supply, now he's here in abundance
Except for those targeted by the microscopic tyrant among us
Communication hampered, expressions censored within masks
Separation anxiety caused by invisible prison glass"

- This painted a great picture on 2nd read through.

"A sad state of affairs when a hermit like me misses human company
Sharing an umbrella in the rain is a forgotten luxury"

- I loved this idea of not being able to stand close under an umbrella anymore. I think your take is growing on me lol.

Overall, another good showing from one of the best topical guys on here.


Lucipher Howlz:

My first time reading something from you and I was impressed. Nice connection to the topic and some killer multi's to boot. Flow was gravy. That said, I almost feel like you relied on your multi's TOO much... weird to say but sometimes you need to let a rhyme scheme go and just tell a story.

I felt your multi's almost cheapened the piece at times because it made you water down what you were trying to say for the sake of the verse. Look, I get how hard it is to do this... and you did a GREAT job here, but I wish there was some more substance in this piece. Something I could really sink my teeth into and gnaw on for a little while. It just all seemed rather.. surface.

Also, having a 25 line verse is just weird and screws up the flow. Did you forget a line?

But, with all that said, there was some great parts for sure...

Highlights:

"Too much pain & force, I refused to change & maintained my course-
Waging war, against my fathers love even tho I craved for more-"

- Real shit.

"I create miles, of the road I make , it only took that old soul to hate-
Veins as cold as a frozen lake, You don't know the toll it takes-
To be born a cow then get sold as steaks- but this mold I'll break-
Different on the inside but tongue in cheek why control my taste-"

- Very nice.

Great battle here... Was close actually. Johnny's loose take on the topic irked me again but I think upon another read it kind of hit its mark. Technically, maybe a few more multi's would be nice to see but not much to improve upon here. Come back soon... Lucipher connected to the topic better and had superior multi's. Flow was about even... Hmmm...

I actually want to vote for Lucipher but I think his shallow story is kind of holding me back. The plot was nothing new and has been done miles better before (by yours truly ;P), and I also DON'T want to vote for Johnny because of his loose connection but, fuck... I think 6 Feet won me over... even though I hate that it's ANOTHER fucking Covid-type piece. Eh, he made it work. As he tends to do...

Awesome battle, fellas. You guys both pissed me off because I kept going back and forth over the winner lol, but...

Vote: Johnny 6 Feet

[Dank]

Johnny: I liked the current take. It places the reader firmly in the present and is relatable to us all on a level right now; I think you were maybe pushed for time here as the scheme employed is looser than usual, and the writers voice isn’t as clean as I’m used to reading from you. I enjoyed the use of your username, that was a cool touch I thought, the God of toilet paper was amusing to me also. I think you touch on the subject tangentially but I would have preferred something more direct employed here - your final third was my personal favourite and you were very strong in this section I thought:

Communication hampered, expressions censored within masks
Separation anxiety caused by invisible prison glass
I'm limbo-ing past old ladies as I'm shopping for groceries
Praying to the Gods of toilet paper I get some, hopefully?
Jumping Like cats on hot tin roofs at a single cough
Sending prayers for nearest and dearest; every one I'm thinking of
My thermometer spends so much time in my mouth; I'm charging rent
And how great I can watch Netflix until my heart's content?
A sad state of affairs when a hermit like me misses human company
Sharing an umbrella in the rain is a forgotten luxury
It may sound trite but the human race is stronger standing together
But we can't shelter each other in this viral stormy weather

Lucipher: Good to see you back again. This was a very different verse, so props on the originality and creativity, I’m surprised Universe didn’t enjoy this as it seems right up his street conceptually. I think you shone in terms of your technical ability and mechanics here, your multi-schemes were very effective in terms of rhyme placement and creating an implied rhythmic cadence, but as well as that I think in terms of your storytelling and creativity/originality you offered up more here for me to enjoy than Johnny did personally, I think you utilised the picture well - both going for out-the-box approaches somewhat for sure but I felt you did a better job overall of arching yours back toward what was displayed. This was my fave section from you:

I'm startin' to be me, A girl in a man's body & my heart is on my sleeve-
Farthest from belief & the hardest to believe is who I became now-
The same child who use to wear boys clothes but then changed styles!-
Now I have insane piles of nail polish & lipstick to make great smiles!-
I create miles, of the road I make , it only took that old soul to hate-
Veins as cold as a frozen lake, You don't know the toll it takes-
To be born a cow then get sold as steaks- but this mold I'll break-
Different on the inside but tongue in cheek why control my taste-
Gray skies with no umbrella my life was hard with motherless help-
Now shits changed and I'm stellar within my own colorful self-
But I believe in destiny, changed from that kid who was teased relentlessly-
No friends with chemistry no shock my dad had no need to mention me-
So he got the best of me, thats why I went from Stephen to Stephany-

Vote - Lucipher Howlz

[Objective]

Johnny - The first 4 lines are okay, can relate. Nothing that catches my attention but cool enough. Not really feeling schedule/pedestal.

Now friendships are pixelated, and we're searching for who to blame
And 6 feet is standard distance instead of my username
^Hah, getting into it now, huh? Thought this was clever.

Enjoying how you keep it going too.

Separation anxiety caused by invisible prison glass
^Well put

Okay ender. Overall I thought it was a cool idea, the mid section was your best one for sure. Were you a bit uninspired with the pic? Average showing, safe and had its moments.

Lucifer Howls - Enjoyed the intro and the following six lines leading into it as it catches my attention and I get invested in the character now.

To not be scared of who I am and shake like Parkinson's disease-
I'm startin' to be me, A girl in a man's body & my heart is on my sleeve-
^Pretty cool, thought the execution could have been better towards the end if you hadn't broken up your multi-scheme with the word "disease" as it breaks up the pattern you got going. It's nitpicking but something I noticed nonetheless.

Farthest from belief & the hardest to believe is who I became now-
^I also think it could have flowed better if removed "the" from this line as it flows better without and conveys the same message.

The same child who use to wear boys clothes but then changed styles!-
^Could be a slight improvement here as well in terms of repetition and choice of words. "Who" is used twice within the same couplet and could be exchanged with "the same child that use/used to" to make it slightly more fresh.

Now I have insane piles of nail polish & lipstick to make great smiles!-
I create miles, of the road I make , it only took that old soul to hate-
Veins as cold as a frozen lake, You don't know the toll it takes-
^Thought this was solid, but instead of "only" perhaps "road I make and it took" to lower the syllable count to improve flow.

Different on the inside but tongue in cheek why control my taste-
^You focus a lot on commas/punctuation elsewhere in your piece but dropped it here, why? Drops the overall image of your piece.

Decent closure. Cool story about a person transitioning into someone else. Going through some stuff for sure.

Vote: Lucipher Howlz. Thought his piece was a bit better stitched together with a story going on. Topical-wise it was about even. I enjoyed Johnny's piece as well but more of an OM-drop to me, rather than a competitive topical piece that'd snatch my vote in this one. Thanks for the reads, both were entertaining in different ways.

[Mr. J]

That first verse was smooth and I enjoyed reading it. Didn't correlate too well with the topic at first but as it blended itself in at the end it deserves another read which made me realize what you were working towards. I felt it read smooth and that always boosts the read for me.

The second verse was more technical with the way the writer chose to take the topic. At certain points I felt you could have eased up on the technicality and transitioned smoother but with the bulk of what you brought forth you really made use of the topic at hand. Which may have pushed me to favor your verse in this blending of style.

Although I felt that the second verse was done well and the first verse had a build up to work out what it was going for. I felt both performed well and brought an interesting take on their topics. It's the first week and seeing something like this will evolve into some complex works, looking forward to it.

Feel like I have to give it to the second writer though. It wasn't as smooth as I hoped for but it read well into the topic at hand. First verse was pretty hilarious in retrospect and the build up at the end was nice but overall I felt writer 2 edged it out with a bulkier verse. Nice battle.

V/Second verse

[Candy]

johnny:
dude cool lil personal piece of write.. your expression in it came off very poetic and the subject still relevant your word usage was dope.. very well played and delivered lines.. piece

howlz:
i actually like this better then johnnys more of a tale it unfolded nicely with some good word play and the imagery in its direction was dope really felt what you were saying so thanks for that.. line for line description was very colourful..

vote = lucipher howlz

[MMLP]

6 feet – I hear ya bro lol, cant wait! I liked the read, technically very sound and well on par with Howlz, although the concept just didn’t land for me and that's the main difference here. I (for example) kinda felt backed in a corner to write a pandemic-type verse with my topic, but with yours it felt needless. Corona verses won't work for me personally (hypocrite warning)! I get the sentiment, were all in the same boat and hopefully yes 2021 society will be more normalised and we’ll all hang out properly but this should be a platform to get away from that reality shit haha. Onwards and upwards. Maybe I’d feel differently reading it another time, who knows!

Howlz – yo that ending made me LOL, twist came seemingly left field, out of nowhere but you read it back and it makes sense! I thought it was gonna drag out to a emotionless verse tbh but I liked it. 1 or 2 phrases were lost me on but overall I like your style, id maybe implement bit more of a structure to your multi placing (internally) to get more a nature flow cuz clearly you can rhyme/ storytell which is hard af to do but otherwise, first of ive read from you. I liked it

Going with Howlz for the more impactful take! Good battle lads!

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Johnny Six Feet
First and foremost, I remember reading some of your pieces in the HOF on RR, or maybe it was RIA, I can't quite recall. However, I do remember your name, and I also remember thinking that you were pretty dope back then. With that aside, lets get to it.

Lockdown

I dreamt a dream 2020 would be a regular year
Until some twat ate a bat and threw a wrench in the gears
Now I'm sitting like a fat fuck sweating in a sauna
Stone cold sober since I quit drinking and smoking marijuana
Handshakes were standard, hugs were cool, flirtation continued on schedule
Instead of social interaction being placed on a pedestal
Now friendships are pixelated, and we're searching for who to blame
And 6 feet is standard distance instead of my username

Topic wise, at least so far, this seems to be a classic case of "much too soon", or perhaps maybe "much too obvious". In any case, it's hard to say anything new or compelling about the whole Covid-19 situation. Mainly, due to the fact that we're all living it simultaneously, as well as constantly. With that said, I do however, think that your writing is very clean and clear, it's easy to follow, and well put together in general. That last line is also pretty fire.

Time was always in short supply, now he's here in abundance
Except for those targeted by the microscopic tyrant among us
Communication hampered, expressions censored within masks
Separation anxiety caused by invisible prison glass

Once again the subject-matter, in and of itself, is meh. But boy oh boy, that doesn't take anything away from how precise and well executed your wording and imagery is. Fire!

I'm limbo-ing past old ladies as I'm shopping for groceries
Praying to the Gods of toilet paper I get some, hopefully?
Jumping Like cats on hot tin roofs at a single cough
Sending prayers for nearest and dearest; every one I'm thinking of
My thermometer spends so much time in my mouth; I'm charging rent

Pause.

And how great I can watch Netflix until my heart's content?
A sad state of affairs when a hermit like me misses human company
Sharing an umbrella in the rain is a forgotten luxury
It may sound trite but the human race is stronger standing together
But we can't shelter each other in this viral stormy weather

After all is said and done, I don't feel that this piece offered anything new to the Covid-19 conversation, no new insights or perspectives, so to speak. Then again, I'm a bit of a tinfoil hat type of guy, so I'm usually on the hunt for something more controversial or unpopular in opinion. However, with all of that being said....the way that you worded this piece was top-shelf. Everything was clean and clear, and easy to follow. The concept itself was...eh...whatever. But the overall execution was at an elite level. So bravo to you in that regard. Very skillfully written my dude. I dug it.



Lucifer Howlz
Ex, it's been ages my dude. I'm glad to see you're still pushing the pen.

" No one knows me"

When I was a young boy every time it rained it poured-
Not scared of thunder but always had to change my drawers-
Dad would insist on boy clothes till my brain was sore-
Beat it into me until heroine was in my veins and pores-
Too much pain & force, I refused to change & maintained my course-
Waging war, against my fathers love even tho I craved for more-
enraged wit' scorn, he fucked with the bull until It displayed its horns-
Then came a storm, My mom went ghost cus of who I wanted to be-
So both my parents were monsters when it came to the haunting in me-
But I felt cautiously free, When I drank & got high with this nauseous debris-
like a shark in a sea, of toilet water until I felt this darkening need-
To not be scared of who I am and shake like Parkinson's disease-
I'm startin' to be me, A girl in a man's body & my heart is on my sleeve-

I don't think I ever read a transgender piece before. But the retrospective abusive childhood narrative is one I've read countless times, and to be honest, it's not a narrative I'm particularly fond of, primarily because of how frequently it's written about in these sorts of competitions. However, with that being said, like Johnny,although your topic isn't necessarily to my liking, I do however have to acknowledge the sharpness of your pen. I mean, you haven't missed a single step. Every syllable seems to roll off the tongue with ease. And there is also a crystal clear progression to your story as well. I'll continue.

Farthest from belief & the hardest to believe is who I became now-
The same child who use to wear boys clothes but then changed styles!-
Now I have insane piles of nail polish & lipstick to make great smiles!-
I create miles, of the road I make , it only took that old soul to hate-
Veins as cold as a frozen lake, You don't know the toll it takes-
To be born a cow then get sold as steaks- but this mold I'll break-
Different on the inside but tongue in cheek why control my taste-
Gray skies with no umbrella my life was hard with motherless help-
Now shits changed and I'm stellar within my own colorful self-
But I believe in destiny, changed from that kid who was teased relentlessly-
No friends with chemistry no shock my dad had no need to mention me-
So he got the best of me, thats why I went from Stephen to Stephany-

I'm not going to front. That shit flowed so well, and the pacing was so dope, and the wording was so compact and concise, that I didn't want to break it up, or even stop reading it. You killed that entire second half.


Vote:________
Fuck! This is probably the most even battle I've read in a long time. I mean, I read each verse multiple times just to see who did what better, and to be honest, you guys we're clicking on the same cylinder in virtually every category of note. I can genuinely say that neither of you out wrote the other, and that both of you displayed tremendous skills in the area of rhyme scheme, word placement, and clarity of written voice. Although, I wasn't a big fan of either topic, I'd be lying however, If I said I wasn't impressed by both of your executions and lyricism. But, with all of that aside, and after reading each verse more than once, I think I'm going to give the nod to Lucipher Howlz on the grounds that his verse, in particular his closing lines just hit a tidbit harder. Super close battle though, and a super dope one, too. Props to both.