Being Set Free

Artifice · 07-03-2016, 11:09 PM

drama bred the second you hopped off of the bed
& started to fret about awful thoughts caught in your head
the cause & effect's got me nauseous, upset
these talks tend to put me down like sick dogs at a vet
& all of the stress that you got off of your chest
blossomed with vex & grew to become caustic with threats
instead of hurt feelings being dropped in a sec
you bottled & fostered bothers, brewing constant regrets
in moments of awkwardness where we ought to reflect
no problems addressed meant we kept acknowledging less
& all your arguments were such a logical stretch
after the first few i learned to choose to abolish the rest
in truth, there were never a lot of promises kept
toyed with my emotions to the point that the model was wrecked
like equations you made sure you were always correct
funny in trying to find why you ended up solving for ex
sad you tried to cash in on an impossible bet
banked on winning & saw me bounce like a fraudulent cheque
i think, you thought you would stay caught in my net
but when you dropped anchor my ship sailed, took a nautical trek
for you my love was deep, reaching quantum in depth
now settled at six feet, i don't weep or honour it's death
& when you left so did all that seemed wrong in my head
finally able to get a good night's sleep, sprawled on my bed

Otto Peighlaught · 07-04-2016, 03:55 PM

I appreciate you keeping the scheme as long as you did on one hand. On the other it tired out the momentum of the verse. I will say this: you did something that I don't quite often encounter. That is the beginning felt slower to me, content wise, than the rest. It was an uphill pull, like a rollercoaster that continued into a downhill thrill. the logical stretch / ought to reflect bit was very easy to relate with, and well expressed. I dont know how to quantify the feeling, but this doesnt seem to be a stand-alone verse. Something that would go well in a collab or part of a song. It doesn't carry itself, instead it lends to something bigger. I hope you take that as a compliment, either way. Thank you.

UnbornBuddha · 07-17-2016, 12:43 AM

While I do enjoy the display of keeping a good scheme going for a while, here a lot of the rhymes were kind of easy for the kind of rhyming I expect from you. Your trek and work at the AOWL left a good impression on me. And this just isn't at that level. Now of course this probably meant to be at that caliber, so I will judge it as such.
It was okay, there were nice things about some of what you said. Albeit a good amount of the thoughts felt unoriginal. Sentiments I've read before, almost in the same way. I mean there is a limited number of emotions within humans, but the spectrum of how they can be conveyed is myriad. I think if you expanded this range of conveyance you would have a more luminous picture for the spectator to gaze upon.
Anyhow, those are my thoughts, thanks.

07-03-2016, 11:09 PM	#1
Artifice Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Posts: 269 Battle Record: 17-9 Champed - Art Of Writing League - GWL Picture Challenge Rep Power: 3944949	Being Set Free drama bred the second you hopped off of the bed & started to fret about awful thoughts caught in your head the cause & effect's got me nauseous, upset these talks tend to put me down like sick dogs at a vet & all of the stress that you got off of your chest blossomed with vex & grew to become caustic with threats instead of hurt feelings being dropped in a sec you bottled & fostered bothers, brewing constant regrets in moments of awkwardness where we ought to reflect no problems addressed meant we kept acknowledging less & all your arguments were such a logical stretch after the first few i learned to choose to abolish the rest in truth, there were never a lot of promises kept toyed with my emotions to the point that the model was wrecked like equations you made sure you were always correct funny in trying to find why you ended up solving for ex sad you tried to cash in on an impossible bet banked on winning & saw me bounce like a fraudulent cheque i think, you thought you would stay caught in my net but when you dropped anchor my ship sailed, took a nautical trek for you my love was deep, reaching quantum in depth now settled at six feet, i don't weep or honour it's death & when you left so did all that seemed wrong in my head finally able to get a good night's sleep, sprawled on my bed

07-04-2016, 03:55 PM	#2
Otto Peighlaught Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2016 Posts: 17 Rep Power: 3436003	I appreciate you keeping the scheme as long as you did on one hand. On the other it tired out the momentum of the verse. I will say this: you did something that I don't quite often encounter. That is the beginning felt slower to me, content wise, than the rest. It was an uphill pull, like a rollercoaster that continued into a downhill thrill. the logical stretch / ought to reflect bit was very easy to relate with, and well expressed. I dont know how to quantify the feeling, but this doesnt seem to be a stand-alone verse. Something that would go well in a collab or part of a song. It doesn't carry itself, instead it lends to something bigger. I hope you take that as a compliment, either way. Thank you.

07-17-2016, 12:43 AM	#3
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	While I do enjoy the display of keeping a good scheme going for a while, here a lot of the rhymes were kind of easy for the kind of rhyming I expect from you. Your trek and work at the AOWL left a good impression on me. And this just isn't at that level. Now of course this probably meant to be at that caliber, so I will judge it as such. It was okay, there were nice things about some of what you said. Albeit a good amount of the thoughts felt unoriginal. Sentiments I've read before, almost in the same way. I mean there is a limited number of emotions within humans, but the spectrum of how they can be conveyed is myriad. I think if you expanded this range of conveyance you would have a more luminous picture for the spectator to gaze upon. Anyhow, those are my thoughts, thanks.