im pretty sure i did this wrong

Vapeo · 05-30-2016, 08:36 PM

ain't in a circus, life ain’t a game
but I insist on playing it, call me insane
you can catch my drift, just don’t fumble it like Peterson
hear me out first, please don't jump the gun

don’t jump the gun, don’t jump the gun
hear me out first, please don’t jump the gun
ain't in a circus, life ain’t a game
but I insist on playing it, call me insane

Air quotes i prose extensively, call that air hopes
big time intellectual, thats a Hail Mary tho
but, i'm resilient and i got the mind strength
all ya haters want my take? homie I ain't gonna break

yeah i play it up, but I wait till game time
if ya wanna call me out, go and check the statline
wanna tell that i’m wrong, go ahead disprove me
am I lying if I say you like a movie?

yeah i'm watching you but I ain't really interested
the plot real cheesy, I can already predict the end
the prince rescues the princess, they live real fancy
ain't Iggy like Azalea, please don’t romanticize b

Its not black and white see, don’t misunderstand me
Grab a dictionary, but don’t try to define me
I don’t care if you mind me, I’m here drinking my lime tea
Casually observing you behind my back maligning me

I’m playing Wii, but you play with me
Not entertained by disdain from you thats plain to me
Why you judging me, I don’t see your J.D.
Got 20/20 vision, don’t even try to diss me

So you can miss me, with that apathetic plea
Asking me to cease and desist, from being me
Don’t challenge me, I ain’t tryna fight b
Just understand me, i’m just tryna live life see

ain't in a circus, life ain’t a game
but I insist on playing it, call me insane
you can catch my drift, just don’t fumble it like Peterson
hear me out first, please don't jump the gun

don’t jump the gun, don’t jump the gun
hear me out first, please don’t jump the gun
ain't in a circus, life ain’t a game
but I insist on playing it, call me insane

I know you cannot know me, yeah I understand that
But try to understand me, I simply just demand that
I know you want respect, and I agree that you deserve it
But that depends on one clause, only if you earn it

We in this mess together, we’re all human beings
So don’t don’t belittle me, we’re equal, do you know what I mean
We’re all kings and queens or we’re all in poverty
Nevermind the 1 percent, it’s an analogy

Slow down hit the brakes, real talk
I ain’t tryna run when I could just walk
What’s the point of taking action when you don’t need to
Yeah I know you got feelings, but I’m a real being too

I’m not acting, ain’t following a script
I been me since day one, i was never big
On the fake feelings and small talk and little shifts
Ain’t waving hi to the world, stuck on that Javascript

Just Belief · 05-30-2016, 08:54 PM

Overall this was a good piece. I like how you seperated it into 4 line stanzas but i felt the piece was too long. I started losing intrest about halfway through, but you got me back at the 1 percent /analogy line. That stanza and the last two were my favorites of this piece. The flow was coo and you had some nice metaphor/similie lines.

I just think it needs more work and direction such as the don't jump the gun lines they sound like a nice hook and even title to me. But i think you shouldve put the hook at the begenning middle and end or just the begenning and end for more dramatic effect.

Vapeo · 05-30-2016, 09:17 PM

aii thx bro

Vapeo · 07-01-2016, 11:08 PM

bump

veritas · 07-02-2016, 04:51 AM

Explain what you have against the circus?

05-30-2016, 08:36 PM	#1
Vapeo Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2016 Location: NY State Posts: 109 Battle Record: 0-2 Rep Power: 0	im pretty sure i did this wrong ain't in a circus, life ain’t a game but I insist on playing it, call me insane you can catch my drift, just don’t fumble it like Peterson hear me out first, please don't jump the gun don’t jump the gun, don’t jump the gun hear me out first, please don’t jump the gun ain't in a circus, life ain’t a game but I insist on playing it, call me insane Air quotes i prose extensively, call that air hopes big time intellectual, thats a Hail Mary tho but, i'm resilient and i got the mind strength all ya haters want my take? homie I ain't gonna break yeah i play it up, but I wait till game time if ya wanna call me out, go and check the statline wanna tell that i’m wrong, go ahead disprove me am I lying if I say you like a movie? yeah i'm watching you but I ain't really interested the plot real cheesy, I can already predict the end the prince rescues the princess, they live real fancy ain't Iggy like Azalea, please don’t romanticize b Its not black and white see, don’t misunderstand me Grab a dictionary, but don’t try to define me I don’t care if you mind me, I’m here drinking my lime tea Casually observing you behind my back maligning me I’m playing Wii, but you play with me Not entertained by disdain from you thats plain to me Why you judging me, I don’t see your J.D. Got 20/20 vision, don’t even try to diss me So you can miss me, with that apathetic plea Asking me to cease and desist, from being me Don’t challenge me, I ain’t tryna fight b Just understand me, i’m just tryna live life see ain't in a circus, life ain’t a game but I insist on playing it, call me insane you can catch my drift, just don’t fumble it like Peterson hear me out first, please don't jump the gun don’t jump the gun, don’t jump the gun hear me out first, please don’t jump the gun ain't in a circus, life ain’t a game but I insist on playing it, call me insane I know you cannot know me, yeah I understand that But try to understand me, I simply just demand that I know you want respect, and I agree that you deserve it But that depends on one clause, only if you earn it We in this mess together, we’re all human beings So don’t don’t belittle me, we’re equal, do you know what I mean We’re all kings and queens or we’re all in poverty Nevermind the 1 percent, it’s an analogy Slow down hit the brakes, real talk I ain’t tryna run when I could just walk What’s the point of taking action when you don’t need to Yeah I know you got feelings, but I’m a real being too I’m not acting, ain’t following a script I been me since day one, i was never big On the fake feelings and small talk and little shifts Ain’t waving hi to the world, stuck on that Javascript

05-30-2016, 08:54 PM	#2
Just Belief Emcee 4 Life Join Date: May 2016 Location: CA - L.A County Posts: 15 Rep Power: 0	Overall this was a good piece. I like how you seperated it into 4 line stanzas but i felt the piece was too long. I started losing intrest about halfway through, but you got me back at the 1 percent /analogy line. That stanza and the last two were my favorites of this piece. The flow was coo and you had some nice metaphor/similie lines. I just think it needs more work and direction such as the don't jump the gun lines they sound like a nice hook and even title to me. But i think you shouldve put the hook at the begenning middle and end or just the begenning and end for more dramatic effect.

05-30-2016, 09:17 PM	#3
Vapeo Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2016 Location: NY State Posts: 109 Battle Record: 0-2 Rep Power: 0	aii thx bro

07-01-2016, 11:08 PM	#4
Vapeo Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2016 Location: NY State Posts: 109 Battle Record: 0-2 Rep Power: 0	bump