...

Vapeo · 05-30-2016, 08:35 PM

Illusions everywhere, surreality
Cogito, ergo sum, your being emanates emphatically
Nothingness is none, existence can be proven
Unless of course, everything that you think is a delusion

Think back to when you opened your eyes, for the first time
What if you only opened them once in your lifetime
What if you were born with eyes, but you were still lacking sight
What if you are blind to the truth, stuck in a paradigm

Were all lacking sight, we can’t all envision
What it means to be perfect, eternity’s vision
Momentary drops, in the backdrop of time
Enslaved despite freedom, manumission’s mimes

Running laps in the race of time
Our foresight is simply mistakes, made ahead of time
Chasing the money attempting to further our lives
But we’re furthering the same lies that we incentivise,

Why? Do we insist on abstaining from the truth
Of course we’re ignorant , but that’s still a futile excuse
Pervading ignorance can only induce
Disaster, to deduce that, don’t need to be a certain sleuth

Its elementary, already in schools
The idea that different people can have their different truths
But truth is not subjective, I’m wholly amused
Not surprising that people believe in fountains of youth
Its sad to see the state that were in
We can’t even begin to even see the state that were in
I know that that’s technically a contradiction
But so are most of our odd, unfounded convictions,

For example, we all know about the Holocaust
What about the grand crimes that no one's taught about
Like how half a grand is what a life’s worth now
Planned Parenthood, is it 500 per slice now?

Its indelible, everything around me
I’m busy eating up, like it’s a chocolate brownie
My dopamines high up, i think I need an edible
THC is 10 a gram, wow that’s incredible

That's the thought process, of a kid with issues
Instead of helping, society furthers his misuse
Sooner or later, you see him in a Times issue
Friends and family with red eyes, hands on the tissues

Pervasive lier, it’s called cognitive bias
Human Intellectuodeficiency Virus
There’s a cure, but we have to find it
Maybe it's in our minds, lying in the detritus

Where is our purpose, what is our goal
We have souls so why should we be cold
What are we doing, chasing that ice
We need to learn how to correctly live life

yeah,

Pharaohs Army · 06-08-2016, 08:10 PM

I see the potential. Not kidding.
Vapeo, I should take you under my wing before this limegreen groupthink echo chamber gets a hold of you.
(shots fired?)
na.. ya'll kno what i mean

PancakeBrah · 06-18-2016, 07:08 PM

Illusions everywhere, surreality
Cogito, ergo sum, your being emanates emphatically
Nothingness is none, existence can be proven
Unless of course, everything that you think is a delusion

Emanates emphatically doesn't seem to be something that means anything. Emphatically isn't specific to the point, and could be switched out with any number of words. Emphatically just rhymes so it was used. 'Nothingness is none' also doesn't make sense. I get what you're trying to say but you're saying it awkwardly with no real reward for doing so. 'Illusions everywhere' and 'Unless of course, everything that you think is a delusion' makes the whole thing a non-starter.

Think back to when you opened your eyes, for the first time
What if you only opened them once in your lifetime
What if you were born with eyes, but you were still lacking sight
What if you are blind to the truth, stuck in a paradigm

Being stuck in a paradigm sounds downright dreadful. I'm not sure what connection the first line has with the line of questioning. The comma and the word 'still' makes the third line choppy and incorrect.

Were all lacking sight, we can’t all envision
What it means to be perfect, eternity’s vision
Momentary drops, in the backdrop of time
Enslaved despite freedom, manumission’s mimes

The placement or use of 'all' in the first line is problematic. The second all refutes the statement of the first half of the line. Eternity's vision is nonsense. I have no clue what the third line is referencing or means. Manumission's mimes is the first strong phrase in the whole piece.

Running laps in the race of time
Our foresight is simply mistakes, made ahead of time
Chasing the money attempting to further our lives
But we’re furthering the same lies that we incentivise,

Fine.

Why? Do we insist on abstaining from the truth
Of course we’re ignorant , but that’s still a futile excuse
Pervading ignorance can only induce
Disaster, to deduce that, don’t need to be a certain sleuth

The last line diminishes the supposed importance and profundity you're trying to convey. Also, 'certain sleuth' sounds like you're referencing someone specific when I don't think you are.

Its elementary, already in schools
The idea that different people can have their different truths
But truth is not subjective, I’m wholly amused
Not surprising that people believe in fountains of youth
Its sad to see the state that were in
We can’t even begin to even see the state that were in
I know that that’s technically a contradiction
But so are most of our odd, unfounded convictions,

'Truth is not subjective'. Wew lad, wew. You can cut the second to last line.

For example, we all know about the Holocaust
What about the grand crimes that no one's taught about
Like how half a grand is what a life’s worth now
Planned Parenthood, is it 500 per slice now?

The entire piece has been broad strokes, referencing such a common historical reference like the holocaust seems a bit cheap. Like when someone brings up Hitler in an internet argument. Also, you've taken an obvious political stance in a piece where you've basically spoken in middle of the road pseudo-intellectual platitudes. Just an odd mix.

Its indelible, everything around me
I’m busy eating up, like it’s a chocolate brownie
My dopamines high up, i think I need an edible
THC is 10 a gram, wow that’s incredible

This sticks out like a sore thumb but explains a lot.

That's the thought process, of a kid with issues
Instead of helping, society furthers his misuse
Sooner or later, you see him in a Times issue
Friends and family with red eyes, hands on the tissues

Okie dokie.

Pervasive lier, it’s called cognitive bias
Human Intellectuodeficiency Virus
There’s a cure, but we have to find it
Maybe it's in our minds, lying in the detritus

Second line is okay. The rest is meh

Where is our purpose, what is our goal
We have souls so why should we be cold
What are we doing, chasing that ice
We need to learn how to correctly live life

I don't know what chasing ice means.

Overall didn't like it. You said you were a kid, if so then it's not so bad, depending on age. Just a lot of generic, faux-deep phrases strung together. There are hundreds of text open mics like this, if I'm to extrapolate from my experience. I would work on being more specific, and trying to work on insight. These types of ideas are so broad and flimsy. For a piece like this to work you really have to dig a bit deeper. If you're going to keep the ideas at this base level then you need to work on unique wording or phrasing so that even if the reader isn't awe-struck by the depth they're enjoying the writing. Good luck in the future.

Vapeo · 07-01-2016, 11:07 PM

I actually like this critique so much! thanks bro, im definitely gonna learn from it

05-30-2016, 08:35 PM	#1
Vapeo Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2016 Location: NY State Posts: 109 Battle Record: 0-2 Rep Power: 0	... Illusions everywhere, surreality Cogito, ergo sum, your being emanates emphatically Nothingness is none, existence can be proven Unless of course, everything that you think is a delusion Think back to when you opened your eyes, for the first time What if you only opened them once in your lifetime What if you were born with eyes, but you were still lacking sight What if you are blind to the truth, stuck in a paradigm Were all lacking sight, we can’t all envision What it means to be perfect, eternity’s vision Momentary drops, in the backdrop of time Enslaved despite freedom, manumission’s mimes Running laps in the race of time Our foresight is simply mistakes, made ahead of time Chasing the money attempting to further our lives But we’re furthering the same lies that we incentivise, Why? Do we insist on abstaining from the truth Of course we’re ignorant , but that’s still a futile excuse Pervading ignorance can only induce Disaster, to deduce that, don’t need to be a certain sleuth Its elementary, already in schools The idea that different people can have their different truths But truth is not subjective, I’m wholly amused Not surprising that people believe in fountains of youth Its sad to see the state that were in We can’t even begin to even see the state that were in I know that that’s technically a contradiction But so are most of our odd, unfounded convictions, For example, we all know about the Holocaust What about the grand crimes that no one's taught about Like how half a grand is what a life’s worth now Planned Parenthood, is it 500 per slice now? Its indelible, everything around me I’m busy eating up, like it’s a chocolate brownie My dopamines high up, i think I need an edible THC is 10 a gram, wow that’s incredible That's the thought process, of a kid with issues Instead of helping, society furthers his misuse Sooner or later, you see him in a Times issue Friends and family with red eyes, hands on the tissues Pervasive lier, it’s called cognitive bias Human Intellectuodeficiency Virus There’s a cure, but we have to find it Maybe it's in our minds, lying in the detritus Where is our purpose, what is our goal We have souls so why should we be cold What are we doing, chasing that ice We need to learn how to correctly live life yeah,

06-18-2016, 07:08 PM	#3
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	Illusions everywhere, surreality Cogito, ergo sum, your being emanates emphatically Nothingness is none, existence can be proven Unless of course, everything that you think is a delusion Emanates emphatically doesn't seem to be something that means anything. Emphatically isn't specific to the point, and could be switched out with any number of words. Emphatically just rhymes so it was used. 'Nothingness is none' also doesn't make sense. I get what you're trying to say but you're saying it awkwardly with no real reward for doing so. 'Illusions everywhere' and 'Unless of course, everything that you think is a delusion' makes the whole thing a non-starter. Think back to when you opened your eyes, for the first time What if you only opened them once in your lifetime What if you were born with eyes, but you were still lacking sight What if you are blind to the truth, stuck in a paradigm Being stuck in a paradigm sounds downright dreadful. I'm not sure what connection the first line has with the line of questioning. The comma and the word 'still' makes the third line choppy and incorrect. Were all lacking sight, we can’t all envision What it means to be perfect, eternity’s vision Momentary drops, in the backdrop of time Enslaved despite freedom, manumission’s mimes The placement or use of 'all' in the first line is problematic. The second all refutes the statement of the first half of the line. Eternity's vision is nonsense. I have no clue what the third line is referencing or means. Manumission's mimes is the first strong phrase in the whole piece. Running laps in the race of time Our foresight is simply mistakes, made ahead of time Chasing the money attempting to further our lives But we’re furthering the same lies that we incentivise, Fine. Why? Do we insist on abstaining from the truth Of course we’re ignorant , but that’s still a futile excuse Pervading ignorance can only induce Disaster, to deduce that, don’t need to be a certain sleuth The last line diminishes the supposed importance and profundity you're trying to convey. Also, 'certain sleuth' sounds like you're referencing someone specific when I don't think you are. Its elementary, already in schools The idea that different people can have their different truths But truth is not subjective, I’m wholly amused Not surprising that people believe in fountains of youth Its sad to see the state that were in We can’t even begin to even see the state that were in I know that that’s technically a contradiction But so are most of our odd, unfounded convictions, 'Truth is not subjective'. Wew lad, wew. You can cut the second to last line. For example, we all know about the Holocaust What about the grand crimes that no one's taught about Like how half a grand is what a life’s worth now Planned Parenthood, is it 500 per slice now? The entire piece has been broad strokes, referencing such a common historical reference like the holocaust seems a bit cheap. Like when someone brings up Hitler in an internet argument. Also, you've taken an obvious political stance in a piece where you've basically spoken in middle of the road pseudo-intellectual platitudes. Just an odd mix. Its indelible, everything around me I’m busy eating up, like it’s a chocolate brownie My dopamines high up, i think I need an edible THC is 10 a gram, wow that’s incredible This sticks out like a sore thumb but explains a lot. That's the thought process, of a kid with issues Instead of helping, society furthers his misuse Sooner or later, you see him in a Times issue Friends and family with red eyes, hands on the tissues Okie dokie. Pervasive lier, it’s called cognitive bias Human Intellectuodeficiency Virus There’s a cure, but we have to find it Maybe it's in our minds, lying in the detritus Second line is okay. The rest is meh Where is our purpose, what is our goal We have souls so why should we be cold What are we doing, chasing that ice We need to learn how to correctly live life I don't know what chasing ice means. Overall didn't like it. You said you were a kid, if so then it's not so bad, depending on age. Just a lot of generic, faux-deep phrases strung together. There are hundreds of text open mics like this, if I'm to extrapolate from my experience. I would work on being more specific, and trying to work on insight. These types of ideas are so broad and flimsy. For a piece like this to work you really have to dig a bit deeper. If you're going to keep the ideas at this base level then you need to work on unique wording or phrasing so that even if the reader isn't awe-struck by the depth they're enjoying the writing. Good luck in the future. __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder Last edited by PancakeBrah; 06-18-2016 at 11:51 PM.

06-08-2016, 08:10 PM	#2
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	I see the potential. Not kidding. Vapeo, I should take you under my wing before this limegreen groupthink echo chamber gets a hold of you. (shots fired?) na.. ya'll kno what i mean

07-01-2016, 11:07 PM	#4
Vapeo Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2016 Location: NY State Posts: 109 Battle Record: 0-2 Rep Power: 0	I actually like this critique so much! thanks bro, im definitely gonna learn from it