Vulgar vs Adonis OPEN FOR FLOATS

[Inno]

LGPA Season 2: Week IV

@Vulgar @Adonis

Check ins: WednesdayMidnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic: Conception

goodluck!

[Adonis]

Well at least I know you'll show

[Vulgar]

Hello.

[Adonis]

@Vulgar

Lets collab. I have no concept but I feel like something lovely or emotionally driven

Something difficult though, I feel like having fun

[Vulgar]

"Cristobal Wasn't Her Name"


Sucked into your personal space
I became an accidental pilot
of your cloudy visions
spinning the turbines which fanned our hearts
Is it true that fairy tales only happen
to the unaware, those who took it for granted?
who don't know better yet bathe
in the moist pebbles of excellence
and rest firmly between paperweights
made of the ruthless gushing wells of fortune
I cannot understand the intangible governance
that characterizes human affection
I cannot quantify loyalty
or fill a bottle with a potion or a laxative
to contain or promote fidelity
Only high country or family ties
seem to guarantee that pureness in its own right
The old motto that men are from Mars
and women are from Venus
was disproved by your worldly gaze
Starmaker's seer's globes
A wondrous orrery built at a moment's whim
but which could collapse in an afterthought
Spontaneous eruption like Heartsong
the cold expectancy of primate's devotion
the exchange of ideas, fluids, decimal places
to the seconds that trace us
into sand crystals we'd rather smoke
than lose to the wind
I'd rather take a drought
from the painted cigar of lust
than navigate through vapor rings
just to take a second drink

[Adonis]

Ext? I'm dead at the moment. Plan on writing over a cup of coffee tomorrow morning

[Vulgar]

lol ok.

[Adonis]

Our relationship has run ashore
You might have steered clear of smoke signals
Narrowly missing the loading dock
But you failed to notice the twinkles spark
My eyes were your hidden treasure
X marks the spot
Your heart engulfed mine,
Tangling, strangling
Early on we spent each waning moment
Each wanting more
Needing the others time and soul
We combined, eventually two halves becoming whole
This barren girl playing vitriol
You watered and provided the light of sun
Giving every opportunity to provide for one
But he'd never come
And we've careened our being
Emptied lungs – Spitefully flung
Each night we'd fight – Each day made numb
And now were left within this rift
Talking stern on a sinking ship
Unknowingly adding water while spewing spit
I'm sorry I wasn't good enough my captain
Let's capsize our demon captives
Drown to the depths with the dream we calloused

What could have been

[2tripple0]

Okay decent battle yall good job showing at sum points this could be a hard one to choose between without sounding boring I'm sure u think this advise is whack and worthless but I have a choice and an opinion both extremely antagonizing but I'm trying to think of feed to leave both of you I quickly read each verse and at times I had to keep reminding myself with this league and the poetry league in general which is something I have to make it clear that this was the second piece I've posted in like three good weeks which really means half a year ago beginning to post in the cypher threads and once again no meaning to point out that because this was the poetry league I gave my vote to vulgar and found that because Adonis maybe read about what he though was a rather elusive ending her verse just felt weaker albeit she is running this league maybe work caught up with her don't know just found vulgar more appropriate on that level whether or not I'm right

[Adonis]

Haha. @2tripple0

Ima guy though bro. Fyi. Appreciate the vote though. Will get yours later today

[2tripple0]

Lol cldve sworn I seen somewhere a lady Adonis sorry my I don't think it would change much of my feedback great battle tho guys I hope I have more to say in the weeks to come

You are running the league though right @Adonis

[Adonis]

Originally Posted by 2tripple0

Lol cldve sworn I seen somewhere a lady Adonis sorry my I don't think it would change much of my feedback great battle tho guys I hope I have more to say in the weeks to come

You are running the league though right @Adonis

Not this one, just writing. I'm running the winter topical tourney though

[Objective]

Vulgar - I love your style of writing, punctuation however... Not so much, and in this particular piece it's pretty important as you got ongoing sentences that doesn't end at every line making me start the next sentence as if it was continued from the one before. Specially when a couple of sentences starts with ''I'' it may seem obvious but still isn't since it's a capital letter, thinking about the transition from ''made of the ruthless gushing wells of fortune'' to ''I cannot understand''. That was a huge drawback for me.

Beside of that the poem was beautiful and I always enjoy it when writers don't use the topic as title even though I do it a lot myself sometimes. That was a pretty cool detail imo. The cadence of the piece is beautiful that could only be improved by punctuation, your choice of words is dope as usual and the closure is smooth.

Well done.

Adonis - This was pretty deep imo and the metaphore you went by with the sinking ship isn't really original in that sense but you executed it perfectly. Again, like with Vulgar, only punctuation could have improved this piece as far as I know for the time being. It told a pretty sad story about how love can be reciprocated and how it can turn out in the end, the definition of sadness if you ask me. The short last sentence at the very end wrapped it up perfectly.

Great work.

Vote - Vulgar. Both kind of edging to the same theme for their pieces. Whether it was accidental or not or ended up being a collaboration like you discussed I found this battle satisfying as fuck to read as I got engulfed into the atmosphere after Vulgar's read before I headed into Adonis poem. I had to take a second read through to get the full impact this had on me which was a dope reading experience as I kind of felt both characters and situation at hand were given proper attention that way.

I still felt Vulgar's execution was slightly better but it shouldn't detract from the work Adonis' put in as I can see this battle going either way depending on preference. Quality of both was up there and easily battle of the week. Favorite battle of the season so far as well. Dope shit.

[slech]

[IMG]http://eventcateringhouston.com/media/catalog/product/***he/2/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/s/o/soda-float.png[/IMG]


"Cristobal Wasn't Her Name"


Sucked into your personal space
I became an accidental pilot
of your cloudy visions
spinning the turbines which fanned our hearts

---This was real nice imagery---
Is it true that fairy tales only happen
to the unaware, those who took it for granted?
who don't know better yet bathe
in the moist pebbles of excellence
and rest firmly between paperweights
---Allright solid here--
made of the ruthless gushing wells of fortune
I cannot understand the intangible governance
that characterizes human affection
--Nice, Intangible Governance that characterizes human affection--
I cannot quantify loyalty
or fill a bottle with a potion or a laxative
to contain or promote fidelity
--Wooo, Ok ok, I like this---
Only high country or family ties
seem to guarantee that pureness in its own right
The old motto that men are from Mars
and women are from Venus
was disproved by your worldly gaze
Starmaker's seer's globes
A wondrous orrery built at a moment's whim
---Nice wordplay here---
but which could collapse in an afterthought
Spontaneous eruption like Heartsong
the cold expectancy of primate's devotion
the exchange of ideas, fluids, decimal places
to the seconds that trace us
into sand crystals we'd rather smoke
than lose to the wind
I'd rather take a drought
from the painted cigar of lust
than navigate through vapor rings
just to take a second drink
----Allright wasn't a fan of the ending but over all, enjoyable piece---

vs.


Our relationship has run ashore
You might have steered clear of smoke signals
Narrowly missing the loading dock
But you failed to notice the twinkles spark
My eyes were your hidden treasure
X marks the spot
---okay okay, solid-
Your heart engulfed mine,
Tangling, strangling
Early on we spent each waning moment
Each wanting more
Needing the others time and soul
We combined, eventually two halves becoming whole
-Decent wording, not too complex but simple. Short and sweet-
This barren girl playing vitriol
You watered and provided the light of sun
Giving every opportunity to provide for one
But he'd never come
And we've careened our being
Emptied lungs – Spitefully flung
Each night we'd fight – Each day made numb
-allright, not bad here-
And now were left within this rift
Talking stern on a sinking ship
Unknowingly adding water while spewing spit
I'm sorry I wasn't good enough my captain
Let's capsize our demon captives
Drown to the depths with the dream we calloused
-cool ending-


overall mvgt to vulgar here. a bit more emotion and writing polish.

[Inno]

@slecht next week you need to post a more in depth vote.

Vulgar wins