seaside

[dead man]

we

spent our first night together watching the storm
barrel over oblivion. oblivious to my warnings
you waded waist-deep into our watery fortress
while I sipped sandy Coors and laughed along with the chorus
drenched in sweat and salt, watching twilight dissolve
speaking whispered nothings on the odds of it all
i found you where the disco ball fluorescent revolves
at a table with a vodka soda next to the bar
downhill to moonlit melodies, molasses mirage
we abandoned metropolis with a walk and a song
blankets laid on concrete by our lakeside crevasse
paradise between our midnights and our morning alarms
i can't express how much it meant. like, only a week
passed until we felt like we had met in our sleep
and woke together gasping under gossamer sheets
heartbeat in my hand. sanctuary, at peace
reclusive in pairs. consider barriers breached
from Addison to Belmont down to Fullerton beach
i know it doesn't matter to whoever may read this
but it taught me how the world can shape-shift over a weekend
you are seaside. seagull soaring over shallow serenity
throw my flag at the referee. we played each other impeccably
24/7 distant memory i mildly regret
just another indiscretion that we'll try to forget
but i'm hopeless. just another scumbag scourging the floor
treating honest women like i feel anymore
than a modest indifference. it's momentary recourse
into love and hate and apathy then open the door
and close it on your way out. we paraded the shore
footsteps in the gravel meant we'd been here before
i want to give you more. but it's not in the cards
so we watched the storm pass into the dawn.
au revoir

[Wise Wiggles]

Flow butter. Very precise with what you want to get across, as always. Always a knack for connecting with the reader. You paint a picture very easily with your words, you paint an ambiance, you paint the feelings and happenings that happen to us humans. We experience them unknowing that they will never be felt that way ever again. They may never be felt with that person ever again. Thanks for the read bro. Stay up. I still read them..

[dead man]

you're a good man, wiggles. thanks.

[PancakeBrah]

"just another scumbag scourging the floor
treating honest women like i feel anymore
than a modest indifference. it's momentary recourse
into love and hate and apathy then open the door
and close it on your way out"

Well, that summarizes most of my open mic efforts in four~ lines.

After not reading Open Mics for awhile this was a good dive back in. I had a qualm or two with your wording here and there but I don't feel like being overly critical anymore. Captured the title perfectly while leaving some personal mementos. Appreciated the read.

[Split Eight]

we

spent our first night together watching the storm
barrel over oblivion. oblivious to my warnings
you waded waist-deep into our watery fortress
while I sipped sandy Coors and laughed along with the chorus

>This was dope. Sweet transitions & loved the way you used water as a concurrent theme. "Watery fortress" was poignant and 'waist-deep' was a cool description.


drenched in sweat and salt, watching twilight dissolve
speaking whispered nothings on the odds of it all

>great couplet, even as a standalone. "Twilight dissolve" is very visual and lends itself to a feeling of progression

i found you where the disco ball fluorescent revolves
at a table with a vodka soda next to the bar
downhill to moonlit melodies, molasses mirage
we abandoned metropolis with a walk and a song
blankets laid on concrete by our lakeside crevasse
paradise between our midnights and our morning alarms

>the feeling of "this can't last forever" was strong here


i can't express how much it meant. like, only a week
passed until we felt like we had met in our sleep
>second line was great. powerful & succinct

and woke together gasping under gossamer sheets
heartbeat in my hand. sanctuary, at peace
reclusive in pairs. consider barriers breached
from Addison to Belmont down to Fullerton beach
i know it doesn't matter to whoever may read this
but it taught me how the world can shape-shift over a weekend

>the sentence-like composition of the latter half of this section conveys plainitude and honesty, yet what's being expressed (which is more abstract) is still encaptured and pulled along by a thread


you are seaside. seagull soaring over shallow serenity
throw my flag at the referee. we played each other impeccably
24/7 distant memory i mildly regret
just another indiscretion that we'll try to forget
but i'm hopeless. just another scumbag scourging the floor
treating honest women like i feel anymore
than a modest indifference. it's momentary recourse

>I feel like you headed in a new direction abruptly here.

into love and hate and apathy then open the door
and close it on your way out. we paraded the shore
footsteps in the gravel meant we'd been here before
i want to give you more. but it's not in the cards
so we watched the storm pass into the dawn.
au revoir

>The sentiment expressed here is gorgeous. Very ephemeral, bittersweet, and worth picking through.


Great piece. Very personal and very approachable, I feel like the picture you painted here was grounded in reality to a deeper extent than some of your other verses. You never ascribe significance through unexplained anecdotes or referenced memories that aren't directly described like many people, yet you curiously seem to have a 'canon' that's hinted at or built by overlapping images and simultaneous perspectives on a common event. It's great to feel that recognition when you realize you have already internalized a memory you shared with us, and you address it again. It's very tactful, and yet it feels genuine not forced

First time feeding in a shamefully long time & im very happy I picked this piece first



Thank you.

[Cimmerian]

I enjoyed it. Some nice phrasing.

Keep doing.

Cimm.

[oats]

cool drop, not enough multis, rtf.




jk, I liked this, will leave proper feed sometime in the near future.

[Mr. J]

you waded waist-deep into our watery fortress
while I sipped sandy Coors and laughed along with the chorus
drenched in sweat and salt, watching twilight dissolve
speaking whispered nothings on the odds of it all
i found you where the disco ball fluorescent revolves
at a table with a vodka soda next to the bar
downhill to moonlit melodies, molasses mirage
we abandoned metropolis with a walk and a song
^^^^
This was a great way to start off the piece, really draws you in from the jump
your use of vocab is always impressive and paints a picture that's not hard on the eyes
your structure and pace of this whole section really sets the tone in classic 'black' fashion
really dope work here, it's very fluid and keeps everything moving at a steady pace
dope so far...


i know it doesn't matter to whoever may read this
but it taught me how the world can shape-shift over a weekend
you are seaside. seagull soaring over shallow serenity
throw my flag at the referee. we played each other impeccably
24/7 distant memory i mildly regret
just another indiscretion that we'll try to forget
but i'm hopeless. just another scumbag scourging the floor
treating honest women like i feel anymore
than a modest indifference. it's momentary recourse
into love and hate and apathy then open the door
and close it on your way out. we paraded the shore

this whole section was the haymaker to the piece, that knockout substance
you really pour it on right here and it's amazing how you kept the pace going
I really enjoy reading your thought out plots because of the way you weave it together
almost the same way a spider would when it's caught in it's web
this is really...I don't know...human? yea that works it draws on so many aspects
it pieces together the puzzled form which is us as a whole...and I'll always enjoy that from you brah
dope work here...deserves more love & a HOF nomination to say the least