American History X (league verse from other site)

fenix osiris · 04-14-2013, 12:10 AM

American History X
by trajik

he was president of a land considered to be heaven sent
the initial leader long before pension cheques and credit checks
newly conquered settlement in which slavery was prevalent
it was believed there was evidence to caucasian eminence
the slaves not in the cotton fields were tied and knotted together
in squatted positions, hot or cold they were caught in the weather
if they got hungry they were brought a single rotten apricot
he sought out to fill his teapot then they became an afterthought
plotting the constitution but a spill created an inkblot
his anger built up like a blood clot, whilst debating gunshots
frustrations were taken out on the negros who weren't jamaican
forsaken but thinking they're awakened shaken you're mistaken

physical - not violent, quietly guiding one he'd confide in
to an invisible room where two of them could hide in silence
she'd been there before, wasn't scared but shy, staring beneath her feet
his debonair allowed his bare skinned mare to share her sweetest treat
having an affair, he would say a prayer before he'd eat, and cheat
married to martha but she'd hardly compare to petite and sweet
invading her shady regions but he treated her ladylike
never behaved in degrading ways during escapades at night
he'd include food, she chewed it up before the nude fun ensued
exuding a good attitude, she expressed her gratitude
she was easily wooed and enjoyed when their groins were enjoined in lust
devoid of noise, within her moist loins his soldiers deployed in thrusts

spring always brings life, and she'd sing to her newest offspring
from the fling with her king but knew she couldn't say anything
it would sting knowing everything must remain a mystery
because the time they spent aligned would be detained in history
he had lighter skin but no one seemed even slightly suspicious
she prayed with all her might, focusing all of her nightly wishes
hoping he'd find a better life, free of plight and the need to fight
feeling like he's destined for greatness because he was seeded right
in between the lights and shadows, she was able to escape
the fate before it could claim her baby, the fables of this great
land up north, they say slavery's hard but finding freedom's harder
and of course her son would become known as george washington carver

will return all feedback.

Zen · 04-14-2013, 12:58 PM

she'd been there before, wasn't scared but shy, staring beneath her feet
his debonair allowed his bare skinned mare to share her sweetest treat
having an affair, he would say a prayer before he'd eat, and cheat
married to martha but she'd hardly compare to petite and sweet
^^My favorite lines in the whole verse. The wording here especially in the debonair line was crisp. Very nice.

The first stanza tbh I didn't enjoy too much. There was nothing wrong with it in terms of mechanics but I think it was a little boring imo. But the second stanza and the third stanza were quite enjoyable. That's when the story finally began to take hold and ended with the birth of GWC. Nice touch although I thought it might end with a famous person being born after reading about the affair lol. But really this is a good verse and I enjoyed it. Keep droppin holmes.

fenix osiris · 04-14-2013, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZenLand

she'd been there before, wasn't scared but shy, staring beneath her feet
his debonair allowed his bare skinned mare to share her sweetest treat
having an affair, he would say a prayer before he'd eat, and cheat
married to martha but she'd hardly compare to petite and sweet
^^My favorite lines in the whole verse. The wording here especially in the debonair line was crisp. Very nice.

The first stanza tbh I didn't enjoy too much. There was nothing wrong with it in terms of mechanics but I think it was a little boring imo. But the second stanza and the third stanza were quite enjoyable. That's when the story finally began to take hold and ended with the birth of GWC. Nice touch although I thought it might end with a famous person being born after reading about the affair lol. But really this is a good verse and I enjoyed it. Keep droppin holmes.

thanks dude, link me to a piece and i'll feed it.

also, did you know george washington carver invented peanutbutter? i'd consider him to be famous for that... lol

Zen · 04-15-2013, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fenix osiris

thanks dude, link me to a piece and i'll feed it.

also, did you know george washington carver invented peanutbutter? i'd consider him to be famous for that... lol

Haha that's the only thing I know he invented though he supposed to have invented allot more.
And here's my piece you can feed when you get the chance.
http://artofbattling.com/showthread....enLand-Part-II

fenix osiris · 04-15-2013, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZenLand

Haha that's the only thing I know he invented though he supposed to have invented allot more.
And here's my piece you can feed when you get the chance.
http://artofbattling.com/showthread....enLand-Part-II

cool man i plan to get that sooner than later dude. voting in a league before i work today. possibly after work, looking forward to reading it.

04-14-2013, 12:10 AM	#1
fenix osiris Member Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 58 Battle Record: 1-0 Rep Power: 38	American History X (league verse from other site) American History X by trajik he was president of a land considered to be heaven sent the initial leader long before pension cheques and credit checks newly conquered settlement in which slavery was prevalent it was believed there was evidence to caucasian eminence the slaves not in the cotton fields were tied and knotted together in squatted positions, hot or cold they were caught in the weather if they got hungry they were brought a single rotten apricot he sought out to fill his teapot then they became an afterthought plotting the constitution but a spill created an inkblot his anger built up like a blood clot, whilst debating gunshots frustrations were taken out on the negros who weren't jamaican forsaken but thinking they're awakened shaken you're mistaken physical - not violent, quietly guiding one he'd confide in to an invisible room where two of them could hide in silence she'd been there before, wasn't scared but shy, staring beneath her feet his debonair allowed his bare skinned mare to share her sweetest treat having an affair, he would say a prayer before he'd eat, and cheat married to martha but she'd hardly compare to petite and sweet invading her shady regions but he treated her ladylike never behaved in degrading ways during escapades at night he'd include food, she chewed it up before the nude fun ensued exuding a good attitude, she expressed her gratitude she was easily wooed and enjoyed when their groins were enjoined in lust devoid of noise, within her moist loins his soldiers deployed in thrusts spring always brings life, and she'd sing to her newest offspring from the fling with her king but knew she couldn't say anything it would sting knowing everything must remain a mystery because the time they spent aligned would be detained in history he had lighter skin but no one seemed even slightly suspicious she prayed with all her might, focusing all of her nightly wishes hoping he'd find a better life, free of plight and the need to fight feeling like he's destined for greatness because he was seeded right in between the lights and shadows, she was able to escape the fate before it could claim her baby, the fables of this great land up north, they say slavery's hard but finding freedom's harder and of course her son would become known as george washington carver will return all feedback. __________________ aka: trajik \| a-minor

04-14-2013, 12:58 PM	#2
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	she'd been there before, wasn't scared but shy, staring beneath her feet his debonair allowed his bare skinned mare to share her sweetest treat having an affair, he would say a prayer before he'd eat, and cheat married to martha but she'd hardly compare to petite and sweet ^^My favorite lines in the whole verse. The wording here especially in the debonair line was crisp. Very nice. The first stanza tbh I didn't enjoy too much. There was nothing wrong with it in terms of mechanics but I think it was a little boring imo. But the second stanza and the third stanza were quite enjoyable. That's when the story finally began to take hold and ended with the birth of GWC. Nice touch although I thought it might end with a famous person being born after reading about the affair lol. But really this is a good verse and I enjoyed it. Keep droppin holmes.