|
09-07-2014, 06:47 AM
|
#1 |
|
6ft of Seperation
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,541
Battle Record: 3-5
Champed - Faggot of the Year (2015)
Rep Power: 0   |
Don't Wait.
 They say that time waits for no man it's a wasted treasure in this land a faceless pleasure that we take for granted the time we're handed.. no dollar sign to date can measure.. "Everyone is so rushed in the world today Don't flush life & let it be swirled away Flourish to the grave, have courage & be brave" As me and my grandson reminisce on the past I tell him about my mistakes & how I dismissed what I had I twist & I grasp how ignorant and foolish I had been not to mention the brilliant schooling I had missed the love connections I could of had I know no ones perfect but truly... it made me sad as I'm teary eyed I look at the lessons I taught my grandson I can't clearly hide that the past held my thoughts for ransom I'm speechless as nothing seems to escape my mouth I'm reaching towards bleakness, minds a drape or shroud.. hearts failing out.. but I smile one last time because my past can't frustrate me now Piece I did on RB. Thought it would be cool to show this side of my writing. And to get some feedback. 1. Last edited by Clayray; 09-07-2014 at 07:11 AM. |
|
|
|
09-08-2014, 09:42 AM
|
#2 |
|
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 30
Rep Power: 0 |
As a rhyme, it's a lil basic for my taste, As a poem if that was what you were aiming for then it's decent. The grandson part kept me picturing you as a old man.... not sure if that's accurate. Keep it up bro
|
|
|
|
|
09-08-2014, 10:07 AM
|
#3 |
|
6ft of Seperation
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,541
Battle Record: 3-5
Champed - Faggot of the Year (2015)
Rep Power: 0 |
Nah I'm not old lol but predicate it man, I think the way it's structured makes it seem poem-ish
Good looking on the feed though |
|
|
|
|
09-08-2014, 12:06 PM
|
#4 | |
|
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: on the couch
Posts: 842
Battle Record: 2-6
Rep Power: 0 |
i thought it was tight.
__________________
Quote:
|
|
|
|
|
|
09-08-2014, 06:06 PM
|
#5 |
|
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Zooyork
Posts: 2,124
Battle Record: 7-12
Rep Power: 0  |
Nicely done. Stayed on topic, the message was there. Cool structure, very poetic.
I twist & I grasp how ignorant and foolish I had been not to mention the brilliant schooling I had missed the love connections I could of had I know no ones perfect but truly... it made me sad as I'm teary eyed I look at the lessons I taught my grandson I can't clearly hide that the past held my thoughts for ransom I'm speechless as nothing seems to escape my mouth I'm reaching towards bleakness, minds a drape or shroud.. This was my favorite part. The structure helped me keep track of the flow. This was a good display of wit. Very poetic. enjoyed this read. Stay up.
__________________
Sho Money | Camp Bell This site is whack
Team Alpha EMG |
|
|
|
|
09-09-2014, 09:11 AM
|
#6 | ||
|
HALL OF FAME
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: portal 7 to the 9th exponent
Posts: 16,160
Battle Record: 3-5
Rep Power: 0 |
Quote:
__________________
Quote:
|
||
|
|
|
|
09-09-2014, 10:25 AM
|
#7 | |
|
6ft of Seperation
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,541
Battle Record: 3-5
Champed - Faggot of the Year (2015)
Rep Power: 0 |
Quote:
__________________
GraveyardShift
|
|
|
|
|
|
09-09-2014, 11:14 AM
|
#8 |
|
Kill.It.Nonstop
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 666
Battle Record: 3-3
Rep Power: 662201   |
it's a wasted treasure in this land
a faceless pleasure that we take for granted the time we're handed.. no dollar sign to date can measure.. dopest part to me...can see you can Write no doubt...Like to see a different style see wha' else you got in store...I'll be on the look out... the whole talkin' to grandson piece was dope too... Some deep thoughtz word up Hit me up |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
Linear Mode
